Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Butterscotch.]

Why can't I get my chores done?

[Kate*]

I guess I should've known better. This is the same shit that always happens. But, just the thought of having to take another job or leave is making me sick. And the fact that I'll continue to get fucked over while having to put up with bullshit is just disgusting. You can say all day long you don't know what's going to happen, but I do. We're going under and I've wasted years of my life.

The only way you could possibly fix this, would be to guarantee me the full-time if it reopens; and you won't. Because it may not, and if you planned on giving it to me, I'd have it right now, and this conversation wouldn't even be happening. Your reasons don't matter because they don't change anything. You fucked over one of your best employees and you're extremely lucky you're not losing me entirely just yet.

But no. I'm not okay, and probably won't be okay there anymore; ever.

[Butterscotch.]

Really hating how the holidays are delaying the resumption of my job search.

[Kate*]

I hate when my head and heart are at war with each other. Because logic usually wins, and the loss hurts like hell. This is so fucking stressful, and no matter what I end up doing, the outcome won't be what I want

[Butterscotch.]

Really need a better chair and computer positioning here!

[Kate*]

I don't want to do this

Maybe the fact that there will always be somebody better is my answer.

[Kate*]

Part of me is still hoping for a miracle I won't get, so that I don't have to do this.

It's ironic that when I complain about the situation he's been forced to put me in, you say there's nothing he can do, it is what it is, it's partly my fault etc. But, when the new assistant manager suddenly enforces a well-known company rule everyone else let you break, you get to bitch and go straight over their heads the fuck?!

I guess I shouldn't say I want a day off now that I have 2 jobs. But, I think the stress of the situation, and the fact that I had to use my days off to deal with it, instead of recover is mostly why. In theory, I can probably still get 2 days off a week if we schedule it right.

I hate not knowing what the truth is. Someone who doesn't want to be the bad guy, probably shouldn't be a manager in charge of everything. You think you're protecting me by not telling me what you really think, but your actions and excuses are. Just be honest with me!

[Soda_Voxel]

I just want to be good enough I just want to be like other people I just want to fit in I just want to be normal I just want to have talent and use in this world I can't keep doing this anymore I hate myself so goddamn much

[Soda_Voxel]

Nothing I say matters Everything I say and do is always wrong I am just incorrect as a human being I am never right I am worthless I am pointless

[Kate*]

Change is never easy, and I'm dealing with a shit ton of it at once. I'm shocked my anxiety isn't through the roof, but I'm sure it will show up eventually. It was worse before I decided what to do, so now the main pressure is off and once I figure out the logistics and balance it all, it'll settle down again.

I bent over backwards to stay because you convinced me to trust you and you IMMEDIATELY shafted me and went back on EVERYTHING you said, then set up the schedule so I don't see you for at least 3 weeks. And I could yell at you, but you'll come up with some BS excuse. I'm loyal to a fault I was right to trust no one, and I never should've let my guard down for you. And, as much as I want to believe it's not personal, I can't. Promoting them over me after I was warned is one thing. Telling me you'll do "everything you can" to keep me and get me as many as possible and then IMMEDIATELY do the opposite is just fucked up.

[Soda_Voxel]

Life is so shit that sometimes I don't feel real like this is just a fake life and then I remember this is my only shot I can't go back again and it just makes me so sad and angry

[Kate*]

I don't want to do this and the nerves are finally setting in. I have to accept that, as obvious as it is to me and everyone else, I will never be what you want, and that you can be a decent human in a lot of ways, while still screwing me over. Unless I end up hating this, if it were ever back on the table, you would have to match or do better and in writing, for me to even consider it.

First set of training/shift in the books, and anxiety is still going strong for no reason. I just want to be settled in with consistent schedules so t can calm down.

I really hope tomorrow is all, or at least mostly, the basic, boring computer crap I have to do on the clock. Fear of the unknown, change in routine, and working on what used to be days off is a lot at once.

[Butterscotch.]

So exhausted, and so sick of being exhausted. So sick of my mind spiralling when something doesn't go right.

[Dawn.]

I hate my mind going into overdrive.

[Kate*]

Christmas can't come soon enough, I need my normal life back.

And, I still wish I didn't need both jobs. Even though it pays better, and can guarantee hours and advancement you can't, if you offered me full-time tomorrow, I'd jump ship in a heartbeat. The comfort level is worth that much to me.

[Kate*]

Christmas can't come soon enough, I need my normal life back.

And, I still wish I didn't need both jobs. Even though it pays better, and can guarantee hours and advancement you can't, if you offered me full-time tomorrow, I'd jump ship in a heartbeat. The comfort level is worth that much to me. Seriously, 5 days feels like a lifetime ago, and the last 2 days have felt like 12, between which I slept for 13 hours; and I'm not off for another 4. This is insane.

Why can't things work out the way I want them to ONE TIME in 35 years?! I wish I could retire, ever. Because I'm over it and I can't anymore.

You either have the hours or you don't. Because this is exhausting.

[Soda_Voxel]

i just need somebody to treat me gently

[Kate*]

You'll either regret this or not, and do something about it, or not. If I'm as valuable as everyone says, then he shouldn't have to literally FIGHT you every month, to give me what I'm asking for. I can't believe you don't see it. Because within 5 minutes he saw what you don't, and was ready to give me everything I want, and more; while all I get from you is screwed behind my back, lied to to my face, and a shit ton of bullshit excuses. So, even if I decide not to stay, you've already proven that I'll never get what I want from you instead.

[Dawn.]

I hate my own mind playing tricks on me...

[Butterscotch.]

It is completely unfair that I am not able to take the next step forward without having to do this.
It is completely unfair that I'm a to recall things that have got sucked up into the black hole of my mind.

[Dawn.]

I hate overthinking...

[Kate*]

I'm not going to make it to Christmas with my sanity intact. And, with that new schedule, I now have to make it to New Years before things calm down. I avoided this because I knew my limits, and it was too much. But, the situation forced it, and within weeks, I'm BREAKING. I literally CAN'T do this. And you had the solution and didn't use it. Because as long as I'm socially disabled, I'll never get what I deserve from you.

[Dawn.]

I can do this...

[Dawn.]

It's just one thing after the other...

[Kate*]

2 more shifts and I'll FINALLY get a break, but sensory overload almost fucking killed me first.

[Silvan]

And my father behaves like... well, his usual.

[Butterscotch.]

Wish they'd treat me like a human being instead of a nuisance.

[Butterscotch.]

Why, Facebook? Ugh!

[Dawn.]

Let's hope it all works out...

[Kate*]

If things don't get better and/or you don't fix the schedule that you screwed up, then I have to decide if this is worth it. You said overnights would be "rare" 3/4 shifts is not even close. And if it's because of the disability, you were WARNED about that in my interview, and THIS is EXACTLY WHY

Not to mention, I'm going to hear the self-checkout payment sound in my sleep!

[Dawn.]

I had hoped my thoughts would have improved by now...

[Dawn.]

I honestly can't deal with people anymore.

[Kate*]

I would only consider it because it should take about 5 minutes. But, it's not even close to worth risking. I can do it tomorrow.

I can only hope that that schedule isn't official yet. Otherwise, you REALLY suck at scheduling. Or, you just aren't paying attention.

[Dawn.]

All it takes is just one thought...

[Dawn.]

I just have to keep telling myself it'll all be ok...

[Dawn.]

Urgh, if only I could just 'snap out if it'.

[Dawn.]

I hate this emotional rollercoaster I'm on.

[Kate*]

Yes, I know better, but I'm also working overnight tomorrow, and need my circadian rhythm as backwards as I can get it. So much for these being "rare" even I can't handle them this often.

Overnight shift followed by inventory the next day at the crack of dawn. I'm going to be fried, and my sleep is going to be fucked.

[Dawn.]

I just can't seem to find someone who will fit my needs...

[Dawn.]

Why can't I just switch off?