Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

I wish my brain thing wasn't so annoying and jumbled.

I'm having a really bad night and not sure how to cope.

You bring up one case where someone lied and apparently that means lying happens all the time.

Weird to think I consider you a friend.

[Celyn]

I'm so distracted and can't concentrate -_-

I feel shit. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like death would be better. I don't matter.

[Everglow.]

Life is cruel and it's all happened so quickly so far. If it happens again he's so far away. This was why we all worried last time. It's not even anyones fault but it just isn't fair on him.

Not sure I'm doing this right and it's stressful

[Tigereyes]

Why does everyone keep dying..

[Silvan]

I wish I had talked to a certain person yesterday. I'm quite likely not to have a second chance. ever

[Everglow.]

None of this is fair.

[Everglow.]

My anxiety ruins fucking everything. I wish I was a whole other person I hate everything about myself

[Tigereyes]

I've learned not to say things like "I'm sorry, I'm a bad person" because it apparently comes off as manipulative and I never intended it to. But not saying it doesn't change the fact that I still think that way. Now I just keep it to myself until I believe it'd be better for everyone if I were dead.

My head hurts so bad

I need this month to end.
I need this week to end
I need the next two months to pass so I can stop creaking out so much.

[Celyn]

Now thinking about why I'm so selfish and self-absorbed and how I should've done more, but like I really don't know what I could've done?

Should have left work at 12 today.

[Celyn]

Feel like crying right now. Feel like all I do is mess things up. Like maybe I am just exaggerating and dragging people into the mess that is my life. I feel guilty for having my own feelings and everything that I said. But then at the same time, when nothing made sense and I was in pain, of course I'm going to look for explanations even if that means coming to the wrong ones. And even then, I do wonder if there is an element of truth in the wrong explanations. Simply because I just don't understand why life has to be this way, why everything has to be so difficult and backwards?

Don't want to be here

[Tigereyes]

Do you really, honestly, think what you're doing is healthy? That how you're treating me is okay and justified? That I'm just overdramatic? That you always know what's best for me? Because you don't. Stop acting like you do, especially when you don't know half of the shit I've been through because you haven't been open to hearing it. But that's apparently my fault too. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. You used to validate my emotions, but you've broken my trust. You told me you lied multiple times about my emotions being valid.. So how can I be open and honest with you now? Why would I want to? How can I trust you not to invalidate me even more than I already feel? I know you believe you're doing what's right for both of us. Maybe it's what's best for you, but certainly not me. But fuck me, right? It's not your problem what happens to me.

You want my healing to be the same as yours. But we're different. And I never want to end up like you..

[Everglow.]

Hate coming home late on a saturday. Sat on the bus listening to three lads talking to girls and then discussing how she's the kind of girl who would get raped. They were laughing at me too. I'm sure they were making fun of me. It's like being in high school again. I got over my transport anxiety and now it's found it's way back again. People are disgusting. I hate them.

My anxiety is high right now. It's because things are so good and so perfect and I'm worried it's gonna fall apart. I always worry about it falling apart.

[Tigereyes]

It's been another 6 months. I still want to relapse or die. So why shouldn't I?

I think that was a waste.

This is going to be so much work, but I know it has to be done.

[Celyn]

Didn't sleep last night. I cried. I have a cold. Haven't done anything today.

[Silvan]

Since I came back to my country it's been awful. I'm having depressed moods after not having them for like a month or so. I've been sleeping all days, I've got TONS of schoolwork to do after skipping a week of school, but I know I won't do it. I just can't get down to it. I've given it up already. As if this wasn't enough, I've been to drawing classes today and geez I can't fucking draw! I can't fucking draw anything! I haven't been drawing, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A SINGLE POEM let alone a story SINCE ETERNITY and if I don't earn money by creating things, I would have to find a job in like a corporation and if I was to work in a corporation guess I'd rather fucking kill myself, life like the lives of billions of people worldwide is just FUCKING NOT WORTH LIVING!!!

[Tigereyes]

Sometimes you have such a bad day after so many other bad days. And you just want a friend to talk to or hug. But no one's there. Worse.. they're there physically but not emotionally. Instead telling me I'm overdramatic. And so I just want to curl up and cry and be comforted by my cat. But I can't see him. He's gone, and he's never coming back. And I never even got to say goodbye. And now Im even more broken and alone. As they imply that I should be over it by now, as I've barely had the chance to begin to grieve. I regret not ending my life. Because that's only way I'll ever be free..

[Tigereyes]

Stop fucking saying that it'll be okay! Because there's nothing to suggest that it will. This isn't some fucking fairytale. It's real life, and just because you want everything to be okay for me, doesn't mean that it will be. It just sounds fake, like you're giving me false reassurance. And how do I know you're not? Afterall, you have a safety net to fall back on if things don't work out for you. I don't.. and you know this. But it's not your problem.

[Tigereyes]

I know I'm working myself into the hospital again or death. Hopefully the later. Because I can't afford a hospital bill. But I see no othr way, and they all just tell me to push through it.

I'm struggling so much with anxiety tonight. I hate myself for letting the anxiety win

[Tigereyes]

I've figured out that the reason it bothers me so much is because now you're nice to others instead of me, not in addition to me..

[Everglow.]

I really don't want to go out tomorrow but I've already agreed. And now we have to go where there are other people and I don't want to feel self conscious all day. Absolutely dreading the entire day and I'm just not in the mood for it.

[Tigereyes]

There's no reason to try. No reason to hold on. No reason not to relapse. No reason not to die. What have I got to lose when I've already lost it all? Maybe it's time for goodbye.

[Silvan]

I wonder if my father even remembers the most important birthday in my life is this week

[Everglow.]

I'm exhausted.

I'm tempted to cut.

August would make three years but right now I'm not sure that I give a damn.

I can do it. I have the tools

[Tigereyes]

Another bad fucking day, and tomorrow won't be any fucking better.

[Tigereyes]

Maybe it's time for me to go.. If it's only going to get worse, there's no reason to stay if I'm only going to keep suffering. So I'm giving up. No one needs me anymore anyway. It's not worth it. It's been over a decade and it's only continued to get worse. There's no sign that it'll get better. Or even just stop getting worse. So it's time to begin my goodbyes. Death is the only way out of this fucking mess. I've waited far too long to end it.

[Everglow.]

I'm the least favourite anything. And I have absolutely nothing in common with anybody. I feel so lonely sometimes.

If I didn't want to have kids or get married I'd go back on social security because this stress and annoyance isn't worth it.

[Silvan]

I didn't do well on my oral exam today.