Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Dawn.]

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

[Tigereyes]

Weird thing is I'm actually a morning person. Just very chronically ill, so it doesn't look that way. Fatigue level starts at 7-9 and gets worse throughout the day. This life isn't worth living. No one understands. Even watching movies and shows drains valuable energy. Same with video games or coloring or anything that isn't laying in bed, motionless, thoughtless. Even that sometimes drains energy. Nothing restores it. I always feel this way and it will never change. Accidently dropping/throwinh valuable items happens frequently because my muscles won't continue gripping because I'm too fatigued. For years. Must be the depression. Especially when I was content foe a year and felt just as bad.

[Kate*]

They are both supposedly covered so what the fuck is the problem?!

[MWF]

I'm moving to California for no reason. I dont have a job out there and I want to break up with my girlfriend. Fuck, I'm stupid.

[Dawn.]

Why can't COVID be non-existent?

[Kate*]

Just 2 days of work and a possible call to insurance and message to my eye doctor... I can do this!

[Everglow.]

I just want to be sitting in your garden drinking tea and gossiping about the world with you. It's not fair.

[Tigereyes]

JUST HURRY UP AND DECIDE THE FUCKING UNEMPLOYMENT PLEASE. If it's gonna be hell, I need to know ASAP. If it's gonna be fine, it'd be nice to know that too!

[Tigereyes]

Shit's only getting worse. End of the month is approaching. Time is running out. If the govenment isn't going to help or still won't fucking tell us if they will or won't, I'm going to finalize my plan. I can't handle suffering anymore. There is no relief. No support. There is no hope and I don't care. I don't want hope, I just want the pain to end.

[Tigereyes]

Extremely not okay. But nothing can be done besides hope I get lucky and can get money

[Tigereyes]

The odds of me surviving July are not in my favor. It's time to go.

[Tigereyes]

Slept 4.5 hours.. at least my fatigue isn't worse because it's always this bad regardless of how long I sleep. But need to push myself to job search incase I do something crazy and decide to stay alive after tomorrow.

[Tigereyes]

Yesterday my fatigue was ONLY moderate-severe! Levels 6-8 on a scale of 1-10 (because that's the only way it means something to medical professionals ). But today, I'm at my usual 7-9 and likely to hit 10 by this afternoon. Must push through it indefinitely.

8:30am and at fatigue level 9 right as I'm ready to start working... well time for extra, EXTRA caffeine pills 'cause that's the only shitty treatment I've got. Hopefully that'll bring it to an 8-8.5? It also might just not. No, it won't improve throughout the day.

[Tigereyes]

Well it's the end of July.. will I make it to August?

Annnddd yeah, it's going to be a very bad night.

[Everglow.]

I wish so bad that I had the money and the confidence to see a therapist, because SO much of that autism video sounded like me. It would explain so much.

[Tigereyes]

Well I stayed alive and they denied me, So I guess it IS time to die. There is no hope left.

[Tigereyes]

I wish I had killed myself last August.

I need to die.

[Kate*]

I want everything you want to work out for you, but I hope you don't stretch yourself too thin again. Because last time that happened, you ended up in the hospital...

[Dawn.]

I just want to have a clear decision as to what to do.

[Dawn.]

I wish I had done this a long time ago.

[Everglow.]

Everyones back at work, so now I'm all alone again. Already feel so isolated

[Everglow.]

Every time I try and express that I'm unhappy I basically get told that I have no reason to be. I'm honestly going to stop trying to talk about things that are genuinely upsetting me because it only makes me feel like I'm getting on everybody's nerves. Everyone else is allowed to be upset and get support but as soon as I'm upset I'm overreacting.

[Kate*]

Just when things start to work out for you, you end up back in the ER If you can drive yourself, I'm guessing you're not dying. I just hope it's not serious.

[Everglow.]

Fucked my glasses up. Honestly this is just what I needed right now, to be miserable and unable to see.

[Tigereyes]

When all your socks have holes on the bottoms and you still can't afford new socks and won't be able to for the forseeable future (if there is a future).

So very chronically ill with insufficient treatment. Every second is horribly exhausting. Better keep job hunting anyway.

[Kate*]

So, apparently I'm HORRIBLE in a crisis, or I care about him more than I thought. At least I know he's okay for now, and there's a plan in place just in case with someone who can actually get to him. Nothing else I can do

[Tigereyes]

Somehow I doubt I'm good enough for the lowest of low jobs in my field. Even though I'm more than qualified. I'm worthless and hopeless. I don't believe in myself. I'm not positive and outgoing. I'm average. Neutral. Not bad. Good. Not the best. Someone else is more extroverted than me, an ambivert. I'm solidly okay. I don't have a network. I can't convince myself that this isn't a waste of time and energy, but what choice do I have? I can't work retail right now, and I'm barely desireable for that. Not sure my body can take it anymore. Got permanent injuries almost 18 months ago and have never been able to afford treatment for it. Now there's trauma and PTSD from my last job. Last job didn't pay enough for me to build financial security and definitely not enough for therapy. Not to mention everything else I need therapy for from the past 14 years.

I don't want to live like this anymore. If this is going to be my life, I don't want it.

Last time I started my job search in an okay mindset. It made me nearly kill myself after 5 months last time. This time, I'm going into the job hunt very suicidal.

[Tigereyes]

I'm too fucking sick to even stay alive! I can't function. I don't have money to pay someone to help. I'm not sick enough for disability. I can't care for my basic needs. I can't even job search part time hours. I don't have support of family or friends. Am I just going to die from self-neglect? Probably at some point.. the question is just how soon.

[Tigereyes]

Still in bed. Can already tell today is no better.

For days, it has felt like my brain is going to explode. It's so painful that today, I hope it does just explode. Then I could get relief from this migraine at least.

Things get even worse. They won't stop fucking interrogating me. I just tried to not fucking die of COVID at work. Guess I should've just killed myself. Maybe I will. What other options do I have at this point? My entire life is a fucking mess. There's no way out. No hope. No relief. No support. No where to go. I can't go on likke this. I don't want to. I'm trying so hard to stay alive each day, and I don't even know why anymore. All I know is that this isn't working out. I'm at the end of my rope. I just want this to end. I don't care if it resolves or if I die. Just fucking end it already!

I wish this wasn't my life.

I will end it myself if I have to. I'm out of options. As soon as I find an effective out, I'm taking it.

Why did I stay alive so long... for this?
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Why is everything so heavy?
Is there anybody out there?
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple; sometimes goodbye's the only way.
In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Music is all I have for support. It's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Because I need to and want to actually change my life, but I'm powerless. Powerless. That's why I got addicted to self harm and substances. Because it was my only way to control anything. Everything going wrong outside my control. My only comfort. I'm powerless. Not over substances. Over my life. The addictions have always been a symptom of trauma and being powerless. Not something wrong with me. Not inherently evil. A way to survive. But I'm not supposed to cling to them. So how do I hold on? I don't.

Too sick to eat. At least it saves money.

Who will care if I'm not here? If suddenly I disappeared..

I really want today to end, but I really hope tomorrow never comes.

[Everglow.]

Why does nobody ever respond to me?

[Everglow.]

Absolutely fuming. You're a manager...why don't you do your job for once instead of making me do it? I don't get paid enough to be shouted at for half an hour all because you don't like confrontation. I'm not a punching bag. This job is not worth it and you can be rest assured I'll be telling you all about how unhappy I am with you.

[Tigereyes]

Trump's new student loan plan sounds okay at first. Then I looked into it further. If it passes, I cannot take a low pay job to get by for a while because I will have to pay back an even higher minimum payment when I won't be able to afford rent and food and health insurance. Working a low pay job would be the same as taking out another loan against myself, unless I make enough for afford to break even by paying hundreds of dollars of interest per month. This will be the death of me.

[Everglow.]

So now you want to claim that I'm a problem? When other people heard what I said and heard you then say the opposite? Ok cool, if it comes to it I'll take it over your head to your manager and she can do something. I'm not being made to feel shit at a job I've had no issues at for over four years.

[Tigereyes]

Just found out I owe $2500 more on Sept 2nd for some fucked up reason, even though I'm NOT supposed to because of the CARES act shit. Like it's being added to my Principal somehow. It shouldn't! I sacrificed quality of life to pay $275-300 every month while I had my full time job and owed $0/month. Fuck me then. Forever. I don't have that. Wish death would release this debt. There is no way out. I really might need to hurry up and end my life.

Maybe if I don't eat or run the AC at all for 5-10 years straight, I can cover that. That's all I can do to reduce spending.

Why shouldn't I kill myself? If I had just 3 reasons not to, I might stay alive. But I don't.

[Everglow.]

Hate how anxious I'm getting about this. I know I'm within my rights to bring up anything I'm not happy with at work, but I feel like somehow I'll be in the wrong for doing it. Honestly I'm just going to end up crying again about it.

[Everglow.]

Anxiety feels sky high right now. Feel so restless and agitated.

[Tigereyes]

I can barely function. Better stop being disabled and get a damn job.

[Tigereyes]

Is it normal to randomly fall/collapse on the floor all the time due to fatigue and muscle weakness? Or is it depression?

My brain feels like it's literally splitting open. Oh well, keep working.

[Tigereyes]

I need a miracle..

[Everglow.]

It's too hot. 35C is not what us English folk are made for. I need rain and I need it now.