Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Forging Galaxies]

I believe I've given up on life, This year is to be my last year on this earth. Better hope I force myself to live for the next couple months, but at this rate... I doubt that.

[Fanatic]

I can't be happy for everyone else's success. In truth, I hate people. I feel like a failure in everything I do. I'm a huge mess internally. I'm never happy in life and feel like my life is neverending and uneventful.

[Kate*]

Mental illness and disability are not excuses, happiness isn't (always) a choice. Yes, I've "had enough" hence the suicidal ideation (which for the record is NEVER a choice.) Thanks for the blame and the guilt trip through. It totally helped to know that my misery is my own fault and would evaporate if I just made a decision. WHEN are people going to get this through their heads?! It's an explanation, not an excuse and all the positive thinking in the world won't make it disappear. You wouldn't tell someone with a chronic illness in a place other than their brain that "illness is a choice; just choose not to be sick." Don't say it to me because my illness is in my brain.

Just when I feel like I can say I'm starting to feel better and okay without jinxing it, the cat has a fucking STROKE. We thought he was actually dying for God's sake it scared me half to DEATH. I really hope he's okay now and it doesn't happen again. That was one of the scariest moments of my LIFE, but he seems okay now.

I finally have a good day after all of that and I can't enjoy it because I know the crash is coming and I'm afraid for my poor fur baby.

Apparently I can either have about one day of peace every 6 months, or I can function and have a life, but not both. Sometimes I still want to go back and then I remember that they were laying the groundwork for this and I don't want to be where I was less than not wanted, but damaged by the last people on Earth I expected to inflict it while they blamed it on me. Still wish it wasn't such a waste though.

And slapped in the face and slipping again. Awesome!

My dream turned into a nightmare and completely ruined my life and broke me. I get to suffer with this shit for the rest of my life, and you get to go on like I never existed.

I don't know what you're doing, but I was trying to sleep.

[Forging Galaxies]

I really don't know how much I can take of this, I should be dead.
Why can't I just do it?!!!!!!! FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS SHIT!

Am I that scared of hurting other people i love, especially the fucking girl of my dreams?
All these things stopping me because I... I care too much.

What's the point? Nobody appreciates my presence in the damn world, I'm just an annoying disappointment, failure and a piece of shit!!!

[Chuuya]

I needed you. I need you now.

Why did you leave? Why are you isolating me?

[Calaer]

I hate that it's always a fight to try and get Ava to take a nap, but if she doesn't take a nap, she is so grouchy and mean.

[Everglow.]

I wish I was a whole other person. I really hate myself.

[Chuuya]

Where are you? Please just talk to me. Don't leave me alone.

Please

[nothereanymore]

I need a reason to believe this world is worth living in

[Kate*]

I tried again because it's there, but I don't expect to get a third chance at it.

You NEED it and we need you to do it for our own sanity, just fucking GO already. Makes me sound like a horrible person, but I'm not sorry for saying it.

This headache is absolutely ridiculous

I can't stop thinking about that, but he thinks it's a bad idea and he was my go to recommendation for it, so I don't think it'll happen even if it would be fully paid for. I had no realistic chance anyway. I could do that instead, but it sounds so BORING and again, can't afford it. Could consider it as a back up plan, but a back up plan for what? There's no denying that it ruined my life, I really don't think I''ll recover from it.

Gained even more, fucking awesome.

[nothereanymore]

suicidal .

[Celyn]

Antibiotics aren't working. Whatever it is, is still there and wont go away. Watching everyone move on, and I'm here, stuck. All I've done today is get triggered and cry. Ugh.

[MyVisionIsDying]

What fucking part of "I don't want to update Windows 10 becuase people have experienced problems which I'm scared I'll get and will have a big panic attack but a restart to update has been scheduled without my permission." does Microsoft not understand?

I am anxious.

[jamdoughnut]

I need peace, I need someone i know i can talk to, I need happiness. Good please let me be happy. Help me please. I'm so sorry, i...
Please just help me to understand. Please. At least then I'll know what all the pain and depression and longing is for.

I don't feel like doing anything. I purged today. I felt better afterward. I'm gonna keep doing that when I over eat.

[Tigereyes]

I'm really scared for you. I don't want to watch you fall. I want to see you get better, more than anything, but I don't know how else to help you. I've been there for you and I will continue to be there for you through all of this as much as it is possible for me to do so, but this can't go on. I know part of you wants to get better too. You've told me that. You've told me that you're trying. And I see that. I see the part of you that's trying. I wish I had more advice to give you but I dont. I can't even take my own advice, but I'm trying to. I'm trying to be strong for you because one of us needs to be. But this is pushing me closer to the edge. And I'll be the one to fall if there's any chance of that saving you. Not because I have to. But because I want to. You're one of two reasons I'm even here. I need you. You need me. Can't we fight this together? Please...? I know it's hard. Really hard. But we have to get through this... however long it takes. Please don't do this to yourself. Please accept the help. Please fight to get better.

[Kate*]

Even with her limitations she can have everything I want.

Why do I still want that and why do I still want to help you with something that would've been impossible either way? Can I not let go, do I care that much, do I care about you more than you care about me, or am I just nosy and bitter over losing my dream to a combination of disability and hypocrisy? Or maybe I still can't believe in impossible.

Here's the difference between us: I couldn't have seen this coming or been more screwed by a bunch of hypocrites and am dealing with the complete collapse of my life on top of emotional devastation of the worst kind. Despite this, I don't whine to people who don't want to hear it, use my situation as an excuse to manipulate people into giving me my way or doing things for me. Nor do I expect them to bend over backwards because I think they owe me, or threaten to fall into my mental illness if they go against what I want, even if it would be best for me. The only time I told anyone that, it wasn't an empty threat and I was 100% serious. You're the complete opposite, this is in your best interest, and if you "shut down" and throw tantrums it'll be 100% your choice.

I know I need it, I desperately want it, but I don't even know where to start, there's a good chance it'll backfire and I'll feel worse, my trust is completely blown, and fear is killing me.

I can't do this. I have been broken and there is no recovering from it. What's the point of me even being here if nothing will ever work out? Even when I was less miserable than this, it was too hard to do that. Fight on alone it is. I want to tell you, but it was never your job and there's nothing you can do.

[Chuuya]

The thoughts are getting worse.

I am tired of being anxious.

[Celyn]

Anxious and feeling light headed. Too hot!

I really feel like cutting myself tonight.

[Phantom_Girl]

I'm stick of being a push over. It's time I stood up for myself.

[MWF]

Why is America so FUCKING STUPID?!?! This is killing me, where did our hatred come from???

[Calaer]

I hate that Jordan has another work related trip coming up. This one will be eight days long, and it is the longest Ava has been away from him since she was born. Needless to say, we aren't very happy about it.

[Kate*]

There's nothing to do and no way out. My happy ending will never come, but that ending is just a matter of time. I want to tell you, but for no reason because even if I assume correctly that you care, there's nothing you can do and I care enough about you not to do that to you even if you don't return the same.

I want the life I was supposed to have back, I more than earned it damn it! There's a part of me that hopes taking it away from someone who knows her shit hurts you because my life fell apart and it wasn't my fault. And claiming I cause psychological damage no less is just SICK especially considering the damage you left me with. The world makes no sense to me anymore. And when did we, as a society decide that having authority over someone didn't come with the responsibility to treat them with respect, but instead with the ability to mistreat them and avoid responsibility for it by blaming them for your behavior and then get away with it?!

It's amazing how shot my trust is. I don't even trust you anymore and I never questioned whether I could or not.

[Calaer]

I just found out that my referral to the new neurologist was accepted, but I now I have an appointment Monday that I have no idea if I'll be able to get too.

[Celyn]

The house is falling apart. Do I want to move? Was that your plan? What about him? I guess a new start could be good, but currently, I do not want to be anywhere near him. Geee, a new house, with no memories of trauma, things that work...sounds like heaven. Oh yeah, and I still miss her, a lot actually.

[Calaer]

I hate that this is Jordan's last week with us before he has to go on his trip.

I seriously hate creepy crawlies.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Funny how someone you once trusted actually turned out to be so fucking petty. I'm glad I dropped contact with you.

I literally can't breath. I'm falling apart. Please don't let the worst happen.

[Calaer]

Time is ticking away! Jordan will be leaving for his trip soon, and I am NOT looking forward to it.

[Kate*]

Why can't I sleep anymore?!?!

[.Brittany.]

I'm so sick of liars!! They're horrible people when they lie about serious things. I will be happy when I catch you up in your lies.

[Kate*]

Toilet just broke AGAIN! Between the shower/bathtub and the toilet the plumbers have been here 5 (about to be 6) times since Easter. We need a new toilet, just bite the bullet and replace it already!!!!! I know it's expensive, but it's been 3 weeks since he fixed the shower. It's absolutely ridiculous!

Turns out I'm surrounded by non-counselor professionals (thank God), who take my hell of an insurance. Now to build up the courage to start contacting them.

I have no idea what you were doing, but I got about 3 hours of sleep because of it.

I'm convinced that it's trauma at this point, on top of everything else, thanks. You have no idea what it takes just for me to keep breathing and those best equipped to handle it make it worse because they're a constant reminder of the life I desperately wanted and almost had. I don't know if I can do this. As badly as I know I need it, it might just be too hard. You got me to do it once, and I can't rely on you again for that, but it would be nice. I don't need permission perse, just encouragement that I can do it and it'll be worth it. I want a good experience for once; I deserve that.

[Calaer]

I'm really nervous about having to deal with all of this on my own. I wish you were a bit more willing to help me and to make me feel more a peace with everything.

[Forging Galaxies]

I feel like I'm stuck in this abyss, moving around in circles looking for a way out of here and the thought of wanting to just actually die had pass my mind a few times.

I really want to, everything right now doesn't feel... real. Maybe I'm just bat-shit crazy again, I just hope nothing in this world will hurt/demean anyone I really care for... it nearly killed me before. I'm that afraid that I rather just cease to exist before it might happens...

I need the thoughts to stop. I don't want to be thinking about suicide constantly.

[Everglow.]

Cant get into work because of this bike race in London. Spent 3 hours trying. nd I still feel bad/