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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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love learning, dislike school - April 12th 2013, 05:29 AM

As I'm doing a paper for school, I can't help but complain a bit

A lot's been going through my mind, I'm always changing and understanding things in a new way. I used to be a "good student", in fact I was called the role model student by many teachers. I did my work, and silenced, maybe even suppressed my frustrations towards school. I always had procrastination problems, but I kept it at bay and managed to go to sleep on time and all that. I did have resentment towards school but also convinced myself it was for the best. kind of like hard work pays off? or it is all worth it in the end. I also spent time learning on my own. For example, in science class the teacher was absent at least twice a week and we would have recess instead. I would spend my recess teaching myself from a biology textbook. I worked with what I had. I also helped students who had difficulty. I am the kind of person who stays with my work until I get it done, even if it's difficult. I did struggle at times. I was also constantly being bullied for various things. I complained a lot about homework. I was known as the kid who was always had never ending homework. For me, I built upon what I was given, and made it exciting and challenging while others just rushed through it or copied from their peers. I managed to stay motivated, somehow. That was until before hs.

Hs had some of this but also a lot more outwardly frustration. A combination of obedience and resistance.

Now I'm a freshman in college, and I feel like I look at things in a new way. I started questioning a lot more. Also until 8th grade I was in a small sheltered school for all girls and religious. In high school I went to a public school and I was exposed to the bigger picture of society. It's just that now in college, I have problems.

A. I feel inadequate. That my current level is not enough for a college level. I didn't develop skills, and the demand is becoming increasingly difficult, thus stressful and overwhelming.
B. I love learning but I'm being caught up with school work and poor management skills as well as procrastination intensifying. I am not able to fulfill my interests and self directed learning. Sometimes I put off homework to do what I want to learn instead, since for all these years I've been putting homework first or intending to. When I do have the time, I'm usually exhausted and use the time to catch up on sleep. Or I would have the self doubt talk about how I'm not good enough anyway. This is seen a lot for writing. I want to regain the joy I once had for writing but I put myself down before I even start.
C. I'm angered by many things I am aware of. It's not just school. It's society. It's life. It's everything. School seems so out there and alienated in the grand scheme of things. I'm constantly having urges to protest, to become a social activist for all the issues I care about. To escape somehow from all this. Just ugh, what's school when things are happening around me? I can't stand reading hamlet anymore. I just can't stand anything!!
D. I get stressed out easily. I would learn so much better in a less stressful environment, and if the material i'm learning is a bit more relatable...or not even that. I'm not asking for fun or entertainment or to have it laid back. (if I got what I truly wanted, it would be to run away to the great outdoors :P ) I do love the challenge of things, I really do! But it's just I feel like I have so little power, so little say on what I learn and how I learn it. I just want to learn for myself, but I feel like authority is watching it every step of the way, and controlling it just so they get what they want. I feel like I'm being used to become a productive citizen in society, which could only mean going with their agenda and it's like...ew go away! I don't live for you, I'm learning for myself, not for you. I felt like I always had the sociology in me, but once I took an actual class, I became so passionate about it in an instant. I realized I've been liking sociology but didn't know what it was called! Somehow got in contact with it informally. Also I read a few life changing books in high school such as Fahrenheit 451. See, school isn't always bad. But regents exams suck. Learning JUST to pass an exam sucks. The way things are taught, and how certain deep rooted elements in american culture is, really sucks.

I am appreciative of certain things that I got from school. Yes, school wasn't a total waste. I am not against school, but something about it bothers me, and it's affecting the way I concentrate in school these days. School is not the biggest problem, I do have bigger problems, and I doubt that quitting school will solve it, it just seems that it's become my scapegoat. It's the "system" and all that. Which goes into other issues. I'm also stressing because I still don't have a major yet. I feel like no major is something I'm interested in as a career. Even sociology, I don't really know. I thought about social work, teaching and a few other things. But every career in theory, or how I picture it, is tainted in real life. There is some persistent contamination in the careers I look into.

I feel as though all eyes are on me for everything I do. My dad wants me to choose a "practical" major. Just ugh, I can't express my rage and frustration for certain things. I don't want to do things for the money. But I still want to eat, have clothes, live under a roof, you know? I'm scared out of my pants to face the real world. I'd rather live in my daydream world. That's another thing, I'm mature in some ways, but in other ways, I still played with toys till I was 17. The only reason I don't play with toys now is because they're locked in the closet. One day I'll rescue them, as soon as I organize my room and have a place to transfer them from the closet. Surely I have peterpan syndrome. I don't want to be an adult. Ever!! I'm not good at it, and it makes me unhappy.

Honestly speaking, I love working with children. Whether it's teaching or nurturing personal growth, or anything that is meaningful and dealing with children. But I DON'T want to become a boring teacher who makes kids memorize things. In truth, I had an easier time than most students when memorizing, because I internalize information in a way that it sticks. I do have a problem with passive learning. But what kind of school would actually let me make reforms on my own? such things don't exist. that's why I don't want to be a teacher at school anymore. On one hand I love children and love teaching, but on the other hand I don't want to perpetuate the things I find to be a moral outrage...when it comes down to the problems with mainstream schools. I also want to work with the ones who have it harder. I live in nyc and there's lots of inequality. I'd want to reach out to those who have less resources, less funding but also the ones who are the most oppressed. I want them to help them help themselves. I see that everyone struggles and have conflict in some area of their life, so I'm not saying other kinds of students don't need encouragement, but this is the group I want to focus on. Somehow I feel like I can relate to them. Of course it will mean less pay. But I'll do it. That's where my dad and everyone else comes in to yell at me and give me the stink eye for not becoming a nurse or something. I'd also want to be a writer or a visual artist but that is something that is beyond me right now. I'd first have to get myself to a place where I'm consistently writing or drawing. I do draw but it's more of a doodle. I never took a proper drawing class. Only art history. My drawings have no skill whatsoever. I show it to my sister and she says, "cool, but what is that?" I was going to post some of them here on TH, but I need the courage. They're currently on facebook I posted a total of 109.

I could ramble on a lot more but I have to finish my paper. Haven't even started. It's due monday but I was supposed to get it done friday (now it's friday, a lil past midnight) so I could take it to the writing center. It was my lame attempt to get myself motivated again, for a reason that's beyond me, since I just expressed how school is a pain. And I always have the question,so why do something that's so painful? It's a waste of time. It's hard to draw out the positive when I'm seeing it so negatively. It's way harder to silence my thoughts now that they're wilder than before, an even more dislike for school and a strong love for learning. The thing is, I was often annoyed when I heard classmates saying "I hate school" because I got the impression that they hate the learning. They don't like thinking, they don't like work. With me, I like work, but I want the work to be meaningful! It's getting a lot harder to tolerate and be patient with school. I see school as counterproductive to deep thinking. So is it laziness? Laziness is associated with lack of doing responsiblity. But I don't see school as a responsibility anymore, I see it as something that inhibits my education. Not that I really know better, so Ican't say for sure. I don't knwo where I'm going with this. How to stay motivated. I lost a lot of it. And the little I have left is eroding at exponential rates.


the other thing is, something that sticks in my mind is "I know why the caged birds sing" this phrase is the title for Maya Angalou's book.

It strikes me as true, but doesn't apply to me? I know that negative emotions can be channeled to producing art and other beautiful things as a way of expressing sadness, pain etc


But not for I! When I'm down, I don't write, do art or any of that sort. I cry a whole lot. I feel confined, trapped, no escape and it messes with my mind. I hate it. I don't produce something beautiful. Racing thoughts and anxiety and stress isn't beautiful nor does it lead to a production of something beautiful. I still feel the inability to express and articulate when I'm in any mood. I have the preset feeling that people misunderstand me, I even misunderstand myself too! I fear things, but I can't channel all these negative emotions into something creative. I just can't.


Also, I don't even know what a better school would look like! There will always be problems with the schools. So is it worth getting bothered about? Shouldn't I just suck it up and do what I'm told. It's too hard, sometimes I wish I could go back to those days. I mean, I'm still respectful. But I see my anger manifest through procrastination and being unmotivated and having a short temper/snapping at home. The difference between before and now is not procrastination as much as it is lack of motivation. Because I always procrastinated, yes now it's more, but I used to be a LOT more motivated so was genuine when I tried getting work done. Now it's just like, is this something I even care about anymore? Again, it's not school itself, it's not the professors themselves, it's the issue at whole. Just how everything ties up and connects back to society.
   
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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 12th 2013, 10:42 PM

Interesting... because I have felt the same about many things, and also suffer the procrastination problem because of it, and stress and anger. I've often felt like other people are trying to channel or guide me into becoming what they want me to become. Finish school, finish university, get a job, work a 9 to 5 for 40 years of my life to pay off mortgage debts, get married have kids, because that's just what most people do. It really does make me sick when I start thinking like that. About the marrying thing... I don't think I'm the only one to have come across people who expect people my age to marry, just because apparently we should (according to them). To me that's the most revolting thing. You know... marrying someone because you feel that you're forced to by peer pressure, family, friends... lol. Just lol... I have to laugh at it otherwise I'd go crazy.

I usually overcome the motivational problem by convincing myself that whatever I do, I do out of my own choice. I hate exams and all that shit too. But just because I take those exams and "conform" to this system, doesn't mean that it controls me. The way I see, is that I'm using it to MY advantage. Not the other way round. To some people, I may appear to be the conforming type, because I do the work that I'm set. To me, it's just coincidental that my interests and someone else's align. If they didn't align, I simply wouldn't do the fucking work or sign the contract. lol. I get the qualifications with some of the highest grades and marks because I work my ass off for it and find the work interesting. Then most others can't compete with me for a job position that I want. In fact, the better you are at something, the more in demand you are. The best scenario is when employers are competing for you, not the other way round. That's what I'm working towards and that's one of my short-term goals, amongst others.

Thinking like that solves a lot of motivational problems for me. But that's just me. You might find some of it helps you.

Some people's attitude is "fuck the system, it won't control me, I'm going to do everything the opposite way to spite it". They're shooting themselves in the foot. It's not the rational choice. It's an emotional response, foreseeable, and therefore easily manipulated... which just defeats the purpose of it anyway.

My attitude is more like "play along and pretend I'm conforming, but ultimately do what I want and as I choose". To do what I want, I try to increase my options. I increase my options like I already described, by working my ass off to be as good as I can be.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.



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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 13th 2013, 04:38 PM

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Some people's attitude is "fuck the system, it won't control me, I'm going to do everything the opposite way to spite it". They're shooting themselves in the foot. It's not the rational choice. It's an emotional response, foreseeable, and therefore easily manipulated... which just defeats the purpose of it anyway.

My attitude is more like "play along and pretend I'm conforming, but ultimately do what I want and as I choose". To do what I want, I try to increase my options. I increase my options like I already described, by working my ass off to be as good as I can be.
The attitude is leaning towards the first one...I agree it's an emotional response. It would evolve then to an attitude of finding another way. To somehow be "independent" of the system. For example, I'm bothered by GMO foods, so my solution would be to grow my own fruits and vegetables. Which is crazy, considering I live in a small city apartment. I haven't done that yet because my dad freaked out at the mention of it So it's similar how I react towards school (self directed learning) which is also time consuming between that and procrastination and school assignments.


The second attitude does seem to work. I would have to train myself to think in that mindset though. Wouldn't doing it this way perpetuate the existing system. For me, I'm trying to boycott it, again an emotional response, but I can't help it


Thank you for this, it is something to think about.

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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 13th 2013, 06:41 PM

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Wouldn't doing it this way perpetuate the existing system. For me, I'm trying to boycott it, again an emotional response, but I can't help it
It perpetuates it in the short term, yes. In the longer term, no. Because it benefits me. And the way I see it... the stronger I get, the weaker the system gets, because ultimately, I owe almost no allegiance to it. When push comes to shove, I'll just ship out and not give a damn about what I'm leaving behind, and how it might harm people who ultimately wouldn't give a shit about harming me either. People whom I care for is different. I keep my circle of friends fairly small. Quality over quantity.

I was of the boycotting mindset at first, years ago. It really didn't work for me, and I saw what it did to other people. It often leads to depression and self-pity over several years. Because it hardly achieves anything constructive. When someone is making an effort and not seeing results, it's demoralizing.


Some people reading this might wonder why the fuck I have such a problem with "the system". I don't really need to explain myself but feel like it. My life is amongst the most dysfunctional of all I know, although I've known many even worse which affected me too sometimes. Things got bitterly twisted at the age of 4 by the court system in the UK. Long story short, my biological dad was abusive and my mum wanted a divorce. Of course, shit and hell ensued, because of his defiant character... ultimately causing us to have to flee the country to keep our money and stay together. We couldn't go back without risking my mum going to prison for a long time, and lived changing addresses often so that we wouldn't be found. UK law didn't have the power to do us any harm where we moved to, but he did. It took hiring private security firms and body guards (was cheap in the post cold-war era) to keep us safe. Most places I lived in, it felt like I didn't belong there because I was always from a significantly different culture, and people (me included) found it hard to deal with. Having racists bashing on our apartment doors at night, windows broken and graffiti saying "FuCkING BrITS GTFO" (translated). Yea, I grew up pretty angry. My mum did her best to keep me ignorant to all that shit, which was probably a good thing, but didn't work.

I don't blame my dad as much as the system. People like him exist. The job of the courts is to be objective and handle that sort of shit fairly, and above all to be immune to corruption. If they had done that, I might be a much happier person today.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.



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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 14th 2013, 01:21 AM

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It perpetuates it in the short term, yes. In the longer term, no. Because it benefits me. And the way I see it... the stronger I get, the weaker the system gets, because ultimately, I owe almost no allegiance to it. When push comes to shove, I'll just ship out and not give a damn about what I'm leaving behind, and how it might harm people who ultimately wouldn't give a shit about harming me either. People whom I care for is different. I keep my circle of friends fairly small. Quality over quantity.

Makes a lot of sense. Thank you again for this.
Wow, I'm sorry you had trouble starting at such a young age. My past was also hectic, starting at age 4 as well.
   
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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 15th 2013, 09:38 PM

I watched this earlier and thought that it was amazing. It talks about loving education but hating school. http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=plcp&v=y_ZmM7zPLyI


Things get better. Maybe not today, but it WILL get better
   
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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 16th 2013, 02:19 AM

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Originally Posted by moggeletto View Post
I watched this earlier and thought that it was amazing. It talks about loving education but hating school. http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=plcp&v=y_ZmM7zPLyI

Thank you so much, I would love to watch this!
   
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Re: love learning, dislike school - April 16th 2013, 09:39 AM

Needless to say, I cheat during exams whenever I can. It merely increases my chances of a high grade, which improves my odds in general. Most of the time I learn the materials too... but I much prefer on focusing on the materials which I find interesting or think will be useful to me in the future.

On my current degree... learning ubber tricky mathematics with multi-variable integration, differential calculus and difference equations, doesn't really fly with me. I plan to take up work in the construction industry... not as a mathematician or astro-physicist. Nonetheless, I learn the stuff, but I don't spend days of time and effort memorizing all sorts of equations and shit that I only need to pass an exam.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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