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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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Virgil Offline
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I just need to vent - December 7th 2017, 11:48 PM

So, basically the last few days have been particularly bad for me. Of course, I've spent the last two years in a more or less constant state of depression, but things have gotten way out of control lately. My anxiety has recently become a near constant companion instead of just something that shows up every now and again. I've spent the last two days walking on eggshells around everyone because I can't shake the feeling that everyone secretly hates me. I've had nightly panic attacks in an unbroken streak since Sunday. My imaginary friends are literally my only outlet besides this rant and my poetry (and I just lost my poetry notebook today). This day was worse than most because I've been having sporadic instances of derealization and a group of LOVELY people decided to harass me in study hall, to the point where I almost had a panic attack right there in the cafetaria. My grades are slowly slipping and I can't seem to catch up. These days, I feel like if anyone so much as touched me, I'd just shatter. But at the same time, I wish they would; I'm so fricking touch starved that I have to pretend that someone is hugging me just to get to sleep. I'm so pathetic. I just want someone to love me, is that so much?! My parents sure as hell don't, not with all their verbal and emotional abuse. Then again, how the heck am I supposed to have a healthy relationship with anyone if I don't even know how a relationship is supposed to work? I'm sorry for how long this got. I'm just so scared right now, you know? So, um, yeah. Sorry again for taking up precious online space with this piece of junk.

Last edited by Virgil; December 8th 2017 at 12:04 AM.
   
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Re: I just need to vent - December 8th 2017, 05:10 PM

Please don't apologise for writing this. I'm glad that you did and I hope that it helped a bit.

Depression and constant anxiety, including panic attacks and feeling like others don't like you sounds really tough to deal with. I hope you find or can replace your poetry notebook since it sounds like your imaginary friends and poetry really help to express how you feel.

I'm sorry to hear that you got harassed in the study hall and nearly had a panic attack, especially if you are having episodes of derealisation. That's awful but I hope you know that you don't deserve to be harassed at all.

You are definitely not pathetic. I too have been touch starved a lot and I pretend someone is hugging me (I even hug myself!) to get to sleep. It's more than okay to do that, and in fact, it can be a way of showing love to yourself. Which is important in general, but especially when you feel unloved. I'm sorry to hear that your parents are abusive towards you and I understand that you worry about having a healthy relationship with someone if you've never had a sense of what a healthy relationship is. But it is entirely possible to learn, even if all you start off with is knowing what an unhealthy relationship (e.g. abusive) looks like.

It sounds like things are overwhelming for you and I'm glad that you came to TeenHelp. Are you able to open up to anyone in your life that you trust about what you are going through, even if it's just a teacher or a counsellor?

Stay strong


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Re: I just need to vent - December 9th 2017, 01:21 AM

Thank for all the kind words, Celyn! Today was one of my almost ok days. I got a new little notebook and I actually managed to get work done in school. I'm trying to enjoy the high because I know I'm not getting to sleep until after 4 and I usually crash emotionally after 10pm or so. As for the harassment, honestly I probably do deserve it. I'm a weirdo and I have no social skills, so I was probably an easy target. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who hugs them-self to sleep. And no, I can't open up to anyone. Adults have never helped me and they never will. Everyone acts so hurt and shocked, and I'm sick of having to explain myself to them. I hate talking to real life people about my feelings. It's partially why I decided to try doing it virtually instead. Anyway, thanks again for the nice words!
   
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Re: I just need to vent - December 9th 2017, 05:41 PM

Glad you got a new notebook! Totally understand about making the most of the times when you feel okay as well. No-one, not even those who struggle socially, deserves to be harassed at all.

Sorry to hear that you feel adults have never helped you. That's a real shame. And I do understand how vulnerable opening up about things in real life can make you feel too. But at the very least, I'm glad that you decided to give virtual help a go


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