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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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It's all my fault - October 17th 2018, 06:10 PM

I'm really trying to enjoy my day, but I can't. I want to do my work, but my head is all over the place. I'm not expecting a reply as this will end up being yet another wall of text anyway. I just want to write this out and then maybe I can focus on my work properly.

I messed up. Really bad.

The guy I've been seeing, things were going so well, but once again it has felt like I'm the bad person. In this case it was my fault. All of it. I feel like I really messed up.

He never tells me how he feels at all, in fact he never asks me anything about myself, and rarely asks how any events went that I partake in. He never seems interested in anything about me, yet has said on a number of occasions that he loves me. I get that not every man is able to show how they feel for somebody, but he doesn't give me much romantic affection at all. He can't take me anywhere because reasons, which I accept. But even when I'm down he never asks me what's wrong other than, 'You seem distant today.' and when I say I've got things on my mind, he never bothers to ask what, except once last week, in the entire time we've been doing...whatever this we have with one another. I never know if I'm really doing anything wrong, but I tell him when he's upset me because I think communication is important... but it's always a one-way street.

The only time he tells me anything is when we have a big argument. Like yesterday. He told me last Friday he was applying for Course Rep since he and I were the only ones doing the course and it looks good on a CV. I said I won't be bothering because I want to be sensible about my time. Normally I would stick to what I say, but when Sunday night I was speaking with a friend and I said I think I'll apply... but I ended up not doing it that night. I wanted to apply because I'm applying for a job that requires extensive leadership experience and having course rep under my belt would help.

The next day he showed me an email that said he got the position. I didn't even know he applied. I knew he said he was going to, but I didn't think that he was actually going to. So fault #1 - I assumed when I shouldn't have. I told him that I guess I have a competitor then, and he said that he didn't know I applied and that I should have told him. Thing was, it was something I was considering Sunday night, which was the same night he actually applied. Fault #2, I should have applied much sooner than I did as I applied the Monday morning.

So then the next part comes about when we're in the final lecture of the day and I get the email saying I've been rejected because they already have a course rep for my course, and I told him about it and he just laughed. Not only did I get bad news, he just laughs at me and I felt even worse because of it. I actually felt pretty angry. I admit I got angry towards him and I shouldn't have, but I did. So that was fault #3.

Then I wait an hour and cool off trying to pay attention to the lecture and reflect at the same time. I send him a message on WhatsApp apologising and saying that I'm not angry with him and that I love him very much etc and asked if we could talk after the lecture, just 10 minutes. He says sure. So when the lecture ends we go somewhere, and I tell him right away that I was sorry for how I reacted and that I shouldn't have, and told him that I wasn't angry with him, but the fact that the position I desperately need for my job role got ripped away from me, and it wasn't the fact it got taken from me that was the problem, because these things happen, but it was the fact HE was the one who took it. Fault #4 arrives when I tell him that earlier in that week he told me he was going to apply for disability support so he won't get marked down for his grammar, and I had to talk him out of it because he has no disability and that it's his own fault if he can't learn proper English grammar (English is not his native language), I was also pretty insulted by him considering applying at the time because n one in their right mind would want to be registered as disabled. I'm dyslexic, I don't choose to be, I have disability support but I certainly would be happy if I didn't have my disabilities. So because of him saying about this disability thing, I use it against him saying, 'How was I to know you were serious when last week you were going to apply for disability support?' He tells me he didn't because I told him not to (I didn't know he wasn't going to solely because of what I said) and I continue to say that he is very 50-50 in what he does and sometimes he says he's going to do something and then doesn't do it. (This has been true in the past and more recently) Me mentioning this became fault #5.

Suddenly he says, 'So what you're saying is you want me to step down?' And I said to him that I felt very torn because from a career standpoint, I feel I need it more than him (he already has a job which is paying for him to study over here) and that he has plenty of other things on his CV whereas I do not, but on the other side, I feel that it would be extremely unfair to ask him to do that given the circumstances and that he has every right to go for it too. I'll say this is a fault #5.5, though his question felt somewhat unfair because I never asked him if he'd step down at all, regardless of my selfish mind even thinking it, I would have never asked him to.

Then he gets on the defencive and says that he's not taking the blame and that he's done nothing wrong. Which is fair and acceptable as he is quite right. However, I never said he was at fault or that he did anything wrong. I said to him that I recognise that it was all my fault, given my actions and lack of communication before he mentioned any of this. But it seemed to go over his head, he felt attacked.

I went very silent and looked at him and said that I felt like crying. We were alone in a corridor. There was no sympathy from him, or understanding. He just said that he doesn't see the problem and is very confused. He then said he really has to go home. So I just kept looking at the floor and then he repeated that he has to go home and I said ok. He put his arm on my upper arm, stood up and took off.

Shortly after collecting myself I went to a computer room close to where my lab session was going to be and tried to focus on work, when I suddenly got a message from him telling me I'm course rep now. I asked him what changed. Suddenly he exploded into what felt like a huge fury, however much he denied he was angry, and said that he felt offended when I said that he can't commit, and that usually he keeps quiet about it to not make a fuss, and some other things. Then he said, 'Just because I have a good CV doesn't mean I don't need to keep it updated. Just saying.' Along with that he said, 'Sorry if I don't show emotion. I promised myself that I will not let this relationship emotionally affect my studies'

Suddenly my heart sank like a ton of bricks. I get that he was being honest about it, but it was the biggest answer to everything or me. The whole reason why he never tells me how he's feeling, why he's never affectionate to me except those 3 hours he spends with me along on a Monday, and why he always feels so emotionally disconnected. I fully understand that he must put his studies first, I respect that... but the way that it went down.. I realised that I love him far much more than he will ever love me. He is my first true love...whereas I am not his. He has already dealt with that kind of thing whereas this is my first time dealing with it. I realised why he's so disconnected with me despite all the times he says he loves me. I'm sure in his own way he does. But he's so bad at showing it that he actually hurts me a lot.

Everything is on his terms. How much time we spend together, what we do together. When I even get to see him at all. It's all on his terms. I have no power and no say in whatever is going on between us. He controls everything and I let him. I recognise that it's a somewhat toxic relationship... but due to the way I feel about him, I just let it happen. But when he said all those things it made me realise why I only get 3 hours of his time a week. I must be so unimportant to him. I get that maybe he does want to spend more time but can't, but he never tells me how he feels or expresses anything to me that it also hurts me because I never know where I stand with him.

I know whatever this is between us is bad, it's really awful and I shouldn't let him, but love isn't logical. I can't help but let him because I would rather those 3 hours a week than none at all.

When he moved from the lab (it was empty) room to the computer room and sat in front of me, my eye was watering and I wiped it and he asked what's wrong, and then went on to say, 'Thought we were past this'. It made things even worse. I'm not some robot who can just accept a situation and move on happily. I can't just brush everything under the carpet like he seems to be able to.

Later that night he messaged me a bunch of things that were semi-hostile when I said he seemed angry and I said I think I've seen enough of it (I could have worded it better) and he said, 'My dear, you haven't seen me angry' And I was thinking....oooook? It's not like I was referring to the kind of anger where someone beats the crap out of somebody in a rage, or throws things across the room, I was referring to the fact it was the first time I had ever seen him so angry at ME (obviously rightfully so) and that was all. Then when I told him I realised I'm into him more than he is me, he later said that he's into me more than I think and that he just can't show it because 'I'm sure you can guess some of the reasons'....No? No I can't? Again he never tells me anything, and this is the second time he's tried to make me play a guessing game with him or make me out to be some sort of mind-reader. I don't know how a person is feeling/thinking unless they tell me. I said to him I'm not going to make assumptions and that either he tells me or he doesn't because I'm not a mind-reader. All he replied with was, 'Ok'.

When I previously messaged him about him taking space from me, he took it as though I was going to 'break up' with him. My friend said he had suspected for a long time that this guy thinks he and I are in a relationship.... but maybe it's just me but this is NOT a relationship. A relationship is where two people who love each other come together and take care of one another, spend time together and have romantic times together going on dates to whatever places the two like to go to, and most of all, they communicate how they feel with one another. Almost none of this is the case with him.

I still feel hurt today. Yes what happened was my own doing, and though I finally now know why he behaves the way he does with me, I can't help but feel hurt because I'm being told by him that he loves me so much etc, and only spends 3 hours a week personally with me before returning to his usual emotionless robotic self who never asks me how I'm really feeling, or bothers to ask me how my day has gone, or really knows much about me unless I tell him first, or ever asks me anything about me, or is sympathetic and/or understanding to my problems. It hurts so much.

From what happened I realised I put him first way too much. I mean, why wouldn't I? He's the first person I've ever truly loved and I wanted to give him my all. Yet all he would say to me is to 'Pull myself together and to remember why I'm here' and that 'Uni comes first'. Sure I get what he's trying to convey and he's not wrong about my priorities, but this is another time he's said similar to me, and TOLD me how I should behave. I've put so much effort into wanting to be around him and spend time with him. I would leave my phone's sound on so I could hear messages he sends to me during the night, even if it wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep. I come with him to the shop even if I don't really want to, just so I can spend time with him.

I feel like such a fool and I feel so ashamed of myself. If he's going to the library tomorrow and he's alone I will come meet him to try and ease whatever tension there is, despite him claiming nothing is wrong. Then for the rest of the week, just not see him again until the Monday lectures.

Either way I just feel so hurt. Yesterday during the 1-hour lab session my chest felt so tight that I actually felt like I was going to pass out. My vision started getting blurry and I started leaning into the computer screen. I think my lecturer noticed how bad I looked as he kept looking at me and even tried to cheer me up by making a joke with me in front of the class..not that it worked but still.

I feel so stupid for how I've acted, and how I've risked my degree for somebody who clearly can't make time for me other than 3 hours a week. Lesson learnt I suppose.


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Re: It's all my fault - October 18th 2018, 03:42 AM

You probably don't want to hear this, or believe it but i'll say it anyway.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
I was taught that relationships are built on trust, love, communication, support and that you are a team.
It doesn't sound like he supports you. And communication is key to healthy relationships.
And when there's an agreement it should you and him vs. The problem. This sounds like its you vs. Him.

I'm so sorry he's like this. His reactions aren't your fault. Maybe talk to him about this and decide whether or not to end things with him. You deserve to be treated well, and not like some robot.

I hope things will improve.



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Re: It's all my fault - October 18th 2018, 08:10 PM

Hello

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now. I hope that writing this has helped you feel a little bit better. Sometimes when we are going through something and we can write it all down it can help us get the hurting that we have been feeling inside of us, and we can get it out of us and hopefully be okay soon.

None of this is your fault. Please do not think that. I know that when things go wrong or something happens we think it's us and it's not you. When you are dating someone and it doesn't matter how long you are with them, you always want to be able to talk with them about anything that you are going through. And they should be asking you how are you doing and know that something has you upset, angry or when you are happy. Along with doing something together or just being with each other. If this person cannot see what kind of amazing person you are, I'm sorry to say he doesn't deserve to be with you. I say that because you want someone who is always talking with you and you are talking back to him. And he is asking you all of the time what's going on, different things like that. You are always together having fun.

I'm sorry that you were in a fight. It is totally up to you if you want to date him. But like I said up above, you really want to be with someone who cares about you all of the time and if this is not the person, it is okay not to be with him. If you are not with him anymore, someone will come along and see what kind of amazing person you are and ask you out who is nice and caring and will not hurt you in this way. You can also make a pro and cons list of the things that you like and don't like and then pick one of them if you are having trouble with this. Or you can just sit down with him and tell him that you do not like how he has been treating you and ask for him to stop this and start talking with you and try changing if he can.

If you are able to go to a friend's house and get away from him for a while. Or see if you can stay with them until this calms down and you know what you want to do. You can try that too if you want to. Also when you are talking with him, I know that you are upset but, if you can try to be calm you will be able to say everything you are feeling to him so that he gets it. I know easier said than done. If you are able to talk with him just the two of you, that is better because you will not have other people jumping into this and it's just you and him talking.

Then, try doing something to get your mind off of this for a while if you can. Going for a walk or friends house or reading or funny TV shows or anything else that you enjoy doing to help you feel a little bit better. I hope that you will be okay soon. Lots of Hugs.


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Re: It's all my fault - October 19th 2018, 12:06 PM

I feel like I have given up trying to talk to him about things that happen. He just brushes them under the carpet and expects me to move on asap. I'm not like him and I can't. Plus I have a history of depression which I already told him about, I can't just let go of something emotional like that but he doesn't think about that aspect.

I did manage to talk to him yesterday and I told him I really missed him, he said he missed me too. We told each other we loved one another and so on, but I can't tell if anything he says is real anymore. Not just after what he said about emotions. I feel like I've definitely lost him, especially from this morning where I messaged him and he came across very cold. He said he wasn't going to the library and I said, 'Oh ok.' and then, 'I guess I'll see you on Monday then ' his only reply was, 'Yeah'. There was no emotion or care in anything he said. Even on closing in the chat he said, 'Ok chat later. Have a nice day'. So I said ok see you, and his reply was really delayed and finally when he did respond, his only response was, 'See ya'.

Maybe I'm overthinking things because we're both stressed, but his responses just seemed so emotionless, so uncaring, like I was wasting his time.

You are not the only person who has said he does not deserve to be with me. I bend over backwards for him and it's never reciprocated. I know that I deserve better yet I let him treat me so poorly anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doglover2 View Post
You probably don't want to hear this, or believe it but i'll say it anyway.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
I was taught that relationships are built on trust, love, communication, support and that you are a team.
It doesn't sound like he supports you. And communication is key to healthy relationships.
And when there's an agreement it should you and him vs. The problem. This sounds like its you vs. Him.

I'm so sorry he's like this. His reactions aren't your fault. Maybe talk to him about this and decide whether or not to end things with him. You deserve to be treated well, and not like some robot.

I hope things will improve.
You are not wrong. It isn't healthy. I do feel it is quite toxic and yet I let it happen.

Right now I am trying to get myself together and remind myself that he's not worth it. I know he isn't, I just have to get myself in that emotional patch to believe it too. My head is telling me all these things, but my heart is having trouble catching up.

I will just have to accept that I have lost him, and that from what was said on Tuesday, things will never be the same between us ever again. I will just have to accept what happened and what is happening and focus on myself and my work.

I am trying to see the positive side of this, which is difficult. However I do think that since he seems intent on not going to the library (which is how we 'see' one another in a regular environment, it will give me the chance to try and heal. I know it will be hard, and it will be painful, but I have been through too much and come too far to let this ruin me.... I just have to try and focus on getting myself to believe that emotionally.


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Re: It's all my fault - October 23rd 2018, 12:12 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that you have a hard time. The truth is - you deserve better. It's not the FAULT to feel this way, you shouldn't blame yourself. You have every right to be angry with him. I'm sorry, maybe this sounds harsh and you can be offended by me, but my opinion is that when you started apologizing - it was the dumbest thing you could do. You have your feelings, you have every right to feel that way, and in any circumstances, you shouldn't feel sorry for them. This isn't a healthy relationship.
   
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