vent

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Here I sit, at 11:30pm on my bed. It's so peaceful, but like, it's not. I've fallen back into Shiloh Dynasty, an artist I used to listen to all the time. I feel like I've lived this moment before, several times.
I'm scared. I don't want to grow up. I don't.
I thought I wouldn't make it here. I don't WANT to have made it here.
I didn't spend enough time enjoying the good days while they lasted. And at this point, I've ruined my chances of having the "teenage dream". I'm fat, my parents don't trust me, I can't talk to anyone outside school, I can't have the aesthetic I want.
It's nothing in comparison to what some people go through, but I'm just so unhappy.
I don't want to be here.

[Ennui.]

It's hard when we have expectations of where our lives would be and then things don't happen like we expect them to. It sucks, honestly. I'm like you, I didn't think I'd make it this far to be honest. But, we did. Both of us are still here for a reason, after all. We might not know what that reason is, but it's there.
Is there anything you can do to start building back trust with your parents? That may take some communication on your end, but maybe you can start by asking them for a cell phone if you don't have one already where you'd be able to text some of your friends from school. Then from there eventually maybe they'll allow you to have a friend over your house where you can supervise, or have an outing with a parent present somewhere. It may take some building up, and it may take time, but it's worth a shot!
I'm fat too, honestly. It doesn't mean you're a bad person just because you're fat. It doesn't make you ugly either. Fat and unattractive are not synonymous. Anyone who thinks it is isn't someone you want to be around anyway.
I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear what you're going through. It can't be easy.
You have reasons to feel what you're feeling, and you don't have to compare your life to others because we all cope with things differently.
Slow and steady wins the race and that goes for gaining trust with your parents, family and friends. I find it hard to trust people as well and it does take me a while to open up to people, but I have learned that it is ok to talk about how I feel to those close to me.

I hope I helped and if you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and I hope that after writing this that you are feeling better now. Sometimes writing down how we are feeling can help us feel a little bit better because we are able to write it all down on paper or in a blog or on this and then we can go do what we have to do. Also always try to do something to help pick you up after so that you can feel better more, reading, drawing, watching TV shows or playing games or something else that you enjoy doing. I hope you are doing okay.