i'm crying as i write this

[Pour the Teapot]

okay, so i used to be very bad and probably had depression. but then after i ruined my birthday by throwing a tantrum over NOTHING, i realized that i had to stop and i did. so of course i come downstairs to tell my mom about my change and instead of letting me talk she tells me i'm not allowed to go to spain with my school! now this was a few months short of a year ago.

and then in February, all because i refused to go to yet another bitchy shrink because my mom is convinced that if she is bad person than surely i must be too, my mom stuck me in a freakin hospital just because i didn't want to go. i'm starting to cry as i write this because it's so hard. but they put me on these meds in the hospital, and the first thing they did was make me incredibly sick, i spent the whole day just lying on the bed in the hospital, i couldn't even move enough to take my shoes off. i even threw up, i tried to make it land it the bucket but most of it got on the floor. they got really mad at me for this but it totally wasn't my fault because i couldn't move at all to even think of making it to the toilet.

so the meds are aweful. i am incapable of swallowing them with water so i have to swallow them with apple sauce which has completely turned me off applesauce. and the meds don't fix any problems (mostly because my mom is my only and biggest problem and there are no pills to fix her) (oops, here come the tears now my make-up will be ruined), they make me grouchy and irritable and the slightest thing like hitting a snag with make hairbrush or stubbing my toe (which i do daily) makes me absolutely furious and i start cussing up a storm. and it also makes my eyes do this sort of flutter thing which means i can't see for a moment, so now i'm on TWO meds, one two stop the other med from messing up my vision. i hate them but i have to take them because if i don't my mom will threaten to call the police and i didn't think she would but once she actually did call the police and they came to our house and it was horrible.

my mom doesn't even care what i think, so i'm stuck with both therapy with an idiotic threapist and DBT group which i hate so bad i could just cry (like i'm crying now) and my mom makes me do all this stuff which she claims she does for MY well being, when she doesn't even care what i think about them. i'm completely miserable and i hate her with all my heart. the kids at school are just horrified that i can't even love my own mother. she doesn't deserve my love or my respect.

and today we were talking about how her and my step-dad are going to move when i'm gone and i mentioned how that would be when i graduate high school and go to college, and my mom is like "i though you were getting emancipated when you're 16" like she was upset that i wasn't going to do that!

i hate her. i hate her with all my heart and sole. i'm sorry this is long, but i just had to rant because she treats me like crap and there's NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT becuase if i don't just let her do all this to me she says she'll call the police and have me put in a place for kids without a home. and like the policeman said when he came over, "that place is real ghetto". I hate that phrase! Hitler was the one who first used the word ghetto! and yet a policeman uses it? gosh, i'm crying so hard now. i've got to end this before my mom comes home. thanks for reading.

[Phin]

Hey, Tiger. I'm really sorry this is all happening to you. Ugh, I know how it feels to have a parent that you just aboslutely cannot stand. I used to have a lot of problems with my father, of that sort. And like your mother did to you, I was labelled the crazy one. I was labelled the one with the problem and I had to see a shrink and everything. I don't understand how it's possible that the other person is obviously so completely normal, and we're the messed up one's right? I see it as we're the young ones who have a chance to change if needed... since they're already adults, their form is set... it's just the way they are, I suppose. My take on it, keep your distance. That's all you can do, and just remember, this too shall pass. The dark today leads to the light tomorrow; there is no endless joy, yet no endless sorrow. Good luck, and feel free to PM if needed. I know what you're going through, and you can make it through this. Just keep moving forward.