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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
*Jen* Offline
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Fat - September 2nd 2009, 12:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So when I got pretty thin you tell me I was too thin and now you tell me I am fat. I can never win with you. I think you are right I am so fat it is disgusting. I am going to get thin enough this time and you are not going to stop me. When I get back to uni that is it. I am going to go to the gym all the time and won't have to eat so it will be all good. You won't be there to make me to eat or tell me what to do. This is all your fault. You know I have problems with my weight and have had eating problems in the past yet you tell me I am fat. So don't bother commenting on my weight this time when I am thin enough.

Just got to survive the next few weeks before I go back. If you try to make me eat then I will just have to get it out of me. I don't want to be this fat thing anymore I want to be thin and that is all I want.


I deserve to be starved anyway for being fat. Just ugly and fat.
   
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Re: Fat - September 3rd 2009, 01:12 PM

It will just never be enough. I will never be thin enough. People can tell me I am not fat but why care what other people think? If I feel fat then that is all that matters. No one would tell me if I was fat. I am not getting sucked into lies anymore. Just got to make sure no one picks up on anything before I get back to uni. Otherwise I will be rather screwed.

I have just eaten some noodles and all I can think about is getting them out of me. It is not like I ate many I ended up leaving half because the guilt was filling up inside me. I am just so pathetic. I am determined to be thin and will do whatever it takes to get there. Soon I will be free of my psych and no one will be there to stop me. I can just fade away and no one will care.
   
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Re: Fat - September 3rd 2009, 01:26 PM

Jen.

Don't force yourself to get thin. I bet you look fine as you are, you shouldn't let anyone, i mean, anyone, tell you your fat or anything, as long as you are happy with yourself, i bet deep down you are, then why worry? You've helped me so much recently so don't be afraid to message me if you need too! Don't put pressure on your body, eat normally, pwetty please?!?


stay strong xo
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Re: Fat - September 3rd 2009, 01:38 PM

hey hun... i can relate to wat you said.. i used to be anorexic/bulimic and i don't deny that i still have urges now and then to revert back to my old ways. but the thing is, i've tried and i've overcome my ed and i know that the life now is better! there's more to life than an ed. and ed destroys your life and will only cause you more suffering in the future... it's not worth it ruining yourself and letting the ed take control of your mind!
i know how in the midst of it all it's hard to think clearly about what you're exactly going or maybe you'll just not bother thinking about it rather than about starving yourself. but the thing is, you're a worthy human being who deserves to be free, just like anybody else!
take care hun....



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Fat - September 3rd 2009, 10:06 PM

Thank you for your replies both of you

I got past it before and just blocked out the fat thoughts to the back of my head. They were still there but just tried not to think about them because I didn't want to go back to this. But I can't stop myself going down this route. I want to be thin. I hate being fat. I am thinking about letting my psych know tomorrow. But I don't know whether it is worth it. She might try to stop me or tell someone else. If she told someone else I would be screwed. I only have 2 sessions left so there isn't really much she can do. She can't give me more sessions because I am too old now since the service only goes up to 19. She thinks I can cope on my own when we finish.. So I will and I will get as thin as I want. She won't be there to notice or stop me.

Sorry I am not really listening to anyone. But this is just all I want.
   
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Re: Fat - September 4th 2009, 05:00 AM

Hey Jen,
I know you only have a few sessions left with your psych, but I still think it's a good idea to let her know what you're going through at the moment. Dealing with your feelings you have about this may help you.

Jen, you don't deserve to starve yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy. If you'd like to lose weight, do it the healthy way. Consult with a doctor or a nutritionist who can help you make plans for how to lose the weight in a healthy way for your body. Eating disorders are not something you want to go through. It will take over your life, and it will make you miserable. You'll never feel thin enough; nothing will be good enough for you. This will effect your mental and physical health in many ways. It's just not worth it.

Losing weight the healthy way may take more time, and may seem more difficult, but starving yourself won't help you in any way, and you DO deserve to take care of yourself. I hope you're able to reach out for help now Jen, instead of waiting until it's out of control. Take care.


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Re: Fat - September 4th 2009, 08:02 PM

Thanks Moyshi.

I managed to tell my psych even though I was so worried. She lied to me though. I am fed up of peoples lies and I am not being sucked into them anymore. She was really concerned and told me I was hurting myself and making myself physically and mentally unwell. But hey one more session then I won't be seeing her again. I will be free.

I just wish things were different.
   
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Re: Fat - September 5th 2009, 01:58 AM

Aww Jen! Don't do this to yourself honey. It isn't worth it. YOU are the one who determines if you are pretty or not. You ARE pretty. Just see it, believe it. Don't starve yourself. Don't purge. If you want to to be thinner, then exercise, do it healthily. Don't get too thin either. Please. PM me if you need me.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. But no matter, I'm here for you.

<3
   
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Re: Fat - September 5th 2009, 04:05 PM

Thank you, I love youu. Thanks for being there
   
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Re: Fat - September 5th 2009, 07:00 PM

Jen, I don't actually want to focus too much on whether you're 'fat' or 'thin' because I actually believe you that it doesn't matter too much about what other people think, it matters what you think and what you see. You know from being stuck in a pattern of an eating disorder that even when you're dangerously thin you can still see yourself as being 'too big' or 'too fat'. When you're ill with those thoughts you can't see the damage that you're doing to yourself, both mentally and physically but that doesn't mean that that damage isn't there and isn't being done. Not only is it damage there and then, but it can have permament effects too. I don't think you're fat, Jen. I happen to think you're a beautiful young woman, inside and out. We don't talk as much as we used to, which I miss, but that doesn't mean I don't care. Back from the old T4M days, and you'll always mean a lot to me.

You say that you wish things were different, and I wish things were different for you too. I wish you could see the brilliant person that you are, the pretty outside with the caring inside, the young woman with so much potential who is destined to go far. Please keep talking to your psych until your sessions end, be honest with her, and heck, why not even dare yourself to tell her that you wont be able to cope without her and see if she can put you in touch with anyone else who can help support you after your sessions end. You deserve that support Jen.
   
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Re: Fat - September 6th 2009, 01:04 PM

Thank you Ellie. You are so lovely. I miss talking to you; it has been way too long! Catch up needed soon! I might try and tell my psych that I can't cope on my own like you said. But I just feel like it means I am weak and stupid for not being able to cope on my own. I can't help thinking that once I lose her I can just do what I want and no one will be there to stop me. It is amazing how one persons comments can hurt so much but when they are meant to care and be there...it hurts so much. And how someone can mess your head up so much.
   
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Re: Fat - September 6th 2009, 01:13 PM

I definitely agree about the catch up :]

And you're right about how much one person's comments can affect you. It isn't fair for someone to do that to you though. Someone who truly cares shouldn't make you feel this way, and you don't deserve to feel this way either.

I can understand what you're saying about feeling weak etc, but telling someone that you can't cope is actually a pretty darn brave thing to do! If anything I think it actually shows strength. Feelings are such personal things and it sure isn't easy to let someone else see them, what part of being able to do so is weak? We all have fears, we all have pain, we all go through difficult times -- none of it makes us stupid, it makes us human!

You said that once your sessions end you'll be able to do what you want, and you're right, maybe you will. But is it really what you want? Do you really want all of the pain, hurt and heartache that you know comes with an ED? Do you want to get stuck in that pattern again? You might get away with living like that for so long but soon enough you'll find that you're stopped, even if it's not by people who care it'll be by your body giving up. You deserve help Jen, and people can give it to you as well. Don't let that one person win, you're the one who deserves to succeed.
   
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Re: Fat - September 6th 2009, 05:17 PM

Thank you again Ellie You are so right in what you say. But the thing is I have told my psych that I don't know whether I will be able to cope on my own and she says that she believes I can. People just always expect me to be strong and cope with all the crap life throws at you. But you know what it isn't as easy as that. I am fed up of trying to meet up to peoples expectations and failing.

I don't want all that but I want to be thin. I just wish people wouldn't make comments like that because it just messes up my head Why do people have to be so horrible. If it was someone who I wasn't close to then it wouldn't matter but the fact is I am. How am I meant to just pass it off. I don't feel able to. It wasn't just said once either. If I wasn't fat then it wouldn't have been said. I feel like it is all my fault for being fat.

Last edited by *Jen*; September 6th 2009 at 05:23 PM.
   
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