Walking disaster; the eternal loneliness of the messenger

[ThePunkAlien]

I don't why I'm posting this. Just a rant... life's not fucking fair!

Today I saw my therapist and we started to get more into the core of the matters. My history - abandoned by my parents before I was born. My old man ran away, my mom gave me away. It made all my scars rush back to the surface. He even had to stop to change directions because it was 'heavy' to talk about; I barely restrained from crying like a child. To get help though, I need to tell him - that's where we should focus, risking another psychotic breakdown.

Jesus Christ, I really feel like I'm fucking breaking apart! Why the fuck did this need to happen to me? It's just not fucking fair!!!

If anyone has the answer please tell me... because I can't figure it out.

Ever since I was a kid I've feared abandonment from everyone around me and getting close to anyone because of the risk of being abandoned. I don't even fucking know who I am! I'm a walking disaster. I have no direction. I have film, but other than that - I know nothing. I just want my Dad back to help guide me, I want to know if I'm doing what's right...

I have adoptive parents, but that's not the same thing. I'm nothing like them, which in a way makes me feel worse and even more alone. I see my friends and they're all "chip off the old blocks." not me, I don't have a block. It's like I've been left here without a guide map that everyone else has. Why do things need to be this way? Why do i always have to feel alone? I just... it really fucking sucks... even around my friends, around my adoptive family - I feel this eternal loneliness. I just - I hate it.

I thought getting to know more people would help me. Having a girl, even as a friend. And yeah - she's helping me, she's making me more confident around girls than I've ever been before. But, I thought that would be a cure - you know? Like that would save me. I'm still here sitting alone, a broken mess - a throw away looking for some way out of this rubble I call a life.

The most hilarious part is my future is already here even. I'm over at Warner Brothers, I'm moving to California soon where I have more friends already than any other time in my life - and I'm still a wreck. And by future, I mean a film with the son of an academy award winner. At my age... that's just - everything should be right and good huh? not at all... but, what should I be expecting? Look at all the famous bands out there - they still have abandonment issues (Deryk from sum 41, good charlolette (also left by their fathers))... so you can be on top of the world, but that doesn't equate having your father in your life. Having a family.

It's not too much to ask for, is it? That I could know my parents and I could be with them so I wouldn't feel so alone. Everyone else has that. I'm on this quest where I'm constantly placed in the right time, at the right place and it seems like this is what I get in return for the pain and sorrow. That I'm one of your many "messengers" to deliver you songs, films, shows and everything else. I get to do what I love, what I turned to to survive, in exchange for being a broken mess. It's like Shia Labeuf calls it - Hollywood is land of the broken; guess that's partly why I feel at home there. Spielberg has even admitted to being haunted by the demons of his shattered past; another kid who's father left. The population seems to consist of those with damaging pasts. It's also funny that people get surprised of what paparazzi catch celebrities doing - because if you look at most of their histories and just as normal people (not "oh they have this all this money, they should be perfectly happy!" outlook) - it's actually not that surprising since it's a symptom to the madness of coming from a broken past that most - once you look into it, have. Money doesn't change things, it doesn't heal (as Bono calls it) the "god shaped hole."

Why are some people isolated out of the norm? Why were we chosen? Granted with gifts, given a shattered past and ever-going pain, to become a messenger. I think I'd trade it all up to not feel so alone. The thing is - when your parent/s disappear from your life or if you've never met them, feels like something is stripped from you too. I'm just another bastard son of the lost generation trying to find his way as a walking disaster sprouting out stories from all my fears and demons that I have to constantly fight to survive.

I also know there's something more to this because where I am - working on a film with the son of an academy award winner, interning at Warner Brothers with a promise of a job when a spot opens up - I got a lot of it through luck; being at the right place at the right time along with hard work. A hand has always been guiding me along, that's why I'm not scared about my future... I already see the pieces coming together. Might be because we have what is needed - shattered people never give up and use that to motivate them & reach people; would explain why a high percentage of the film and music industry seems to consist of those with bad pasts. I'm not mad about that messenger side of it, just why these tragedies in life have to seemingly be a part of the equation; can't there ever just be a break from all this pain?

Being the hyper-sensitive type makes living hard and acting relatively easy. I feel everything in a major way. No matter how hard I try, nothing is casual for me. In terms of living a comfortable life, that's a disaster. In terms of acting, it's a fantastic way to be. To be a true actor, I honestly believe that you need to be broken-hearted. My own past has been rich in pain.

- Shia Labeuf

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain, watch me fall apart

- Three Doors Down

"I think every film I make that puts characters in jeopardy is me purging my own fears, sadly only to re-engage with them shortly after the release of the picture. I'll never make enough films to purge them all."

Steven Spielberg