Triggering (Grieving): Too much

[TheQuietGirl]

Sorry about length, but I'm having a breakdown and I need to vent. And I wasn't sure what the Prefix would be so I guessed...

I'm starting to faulter. I can't hold the world anymore.
Every since I was little, I was never praised by my own parents. My dad was barely there, and my mother and my sister ganged up on me. If something good happened, or I did something well, it went unanounced. If something bad happened, i was automatically blamed. Maybe that's why I don't remember anything good that has happened, because all of the bad was pressed into my mind and took up all of the space.
Now I'm 14, and I can't handle this. My mom still gets after me, and nothing good is aloud to happen. I've had 4 years of riding experiance, and did my first show this past summer. I did extremely well for being off so long because of a major knee injury. She made a dramatic leave even before my show, leaving me crying at the stable, then showed up later. She said "good job". Luckily my sister was there with her husband and they gave me so much support. I felt weird getting praise, because I'm not used to it but it was nice. I was beaming in the car home, and my mom looks over and sees me happy. Truely happy. That only happens with horses. And she get's this...weird look in her eyes that I don't know how to describe. She starts complaining about life, and puts me down for things, then leaves me home alone..This was a weak and one day after my dog (I've had since 4) had to be put down. I only got home for a few hours before we put him down because my dad and I drove to Canada and rushed back for my dog. So being alone in the house was the worst thing imaginable.
And now I have a concussion. It's been 5 weeks, and I'm still out and not doing well. It was off a horse. Not because he was being bad, he was perfect. I jumped 4', and lost my balance so I stopped and tried to dismount. I got caught in the stirrup and fell to hang upside down, hitting my head on the ground. My parents decided, since I've fallen off this horse twice (in what, 2 years?) I shouldn't ride him anymore. He is my friend's horse and teaches me so much. My mom said she doesn't want me riding anymore. I (maybe) was going to get a horse this coming year, because my dad said maybe since I got a job to support it and I'm selling my things to pay for the actual horse. We could keep him at home.. My mom's home.
She has been telling my dad (which was been stopping him from getting one) that I'm irresponsible. That when I had hermit crabs, she cleaned the tanks because I wouldn't. She happened to not mention that she cleaned them when I was at school, so when I got home there was nothing to clean..
I'm also always strong for people. I never cry infront of people, I hate complaining (ironic while I'm writing this though, but I need to), and I keep my cool when everybody is freaking. My dog's funeral (he is burried under his fav. tree in our yard), my sisters and mom were crying. I **refused** to cry infront of people. I was just dead, and when they left I ran inside, to my room, and cried until I passed out. My friend was talking to me about how she is getting a new puppy. I was happy for her for a while, but then I had to ask for a subject change. I felt so bad but I was bawling my eyes out and just couldn't do it anymore. I feel like a horrible, HORRIBLE friend but I couldn't help it.
My mom and Dad are all worried about my concussion and how I shouldn't ride as much if at all anymore, not to mention horses to them, etc. Personally, I'm not at all worried about my brain. It'll be fine. Without horses is what is ruining me. Without my dog, I'm slowly getting more suicidle as the hours go by. My parents call me "too smart for that" and "extremely selfish" (which gets to me because of what I said before, I need to be the strong one), so they aren't worried about it. My lessons are every other week. I can NOT handle that. I need to ride every day, because I am not progressing, and we are repeating lessons. I get yelled at to appreciate it, and I do. But I can't take all of this.

At the doctors (I'm there a lot for my knee issues {ACL (2 issues) MCL, Patella and surrounding ligaments} and now my concussion.) I always wear a smile, no matter how much pain I am in.

I laugh when I'm in pain. I was with my friend and I slipped on her deck, slamming the front of my ankle into the step and falling backwards. I was laughing, and she asked if I was okay all serious. It hurt. Alot, but I said I was fine but when I couldn't walk she made me wait a bit. That always happens. People ask why I'm so bubbly in the halls, that is why. I'm hiding that my world is falling apart but I can't show it. I just..cant'.

...Thank you for letting me rant. Any advice is great but I'm kinda just shaking and having a breakdown (not good with a concussion) and i needed to tell somebody without feeling bad about bugging my friends. Now you had the option to read it. Thank you so much.

[BDF]

Lol... sounds surprisingly similar to me. In front of others I sometimes laugh so bad I could break my ribs when I'm in pain. Usually in front of people I know... in public less so.

As for the issue with your parents, again, sounds similar to me. I never felt I got enough support in terms of anything back then. Yes, they paid up, but I was under impression they just didn't understand that there's more to being a parent than paying up. My step dad was like that because he's from China (yes, I'm generalising), so it's just part of his culture I guess ingrained in his mindset, my mum was like that because of her fall out with my real dad, who pretty much didn't and refused to pay up anything, although there was a lot more to it. I dono why, but my mum became like that mostly around when I was 11 to around 18, not before that. Her and my real dad split when I was still learning to talk.

Lots of demands, little praise or reward, if any. If I failed... lol, they're drop the house on my head if they could. I couldn't lean on them for support so turned to other friends, other people outside the house (and school, didn't get along with many people there either), where schoolwork stopped being a priority. It didn't compromise my achievements actually. Instead it provided me with more balance, and just generally better mental health.

So what I think you should do... yep, is find someone you can talk to. Someone you can trust. It might be someone you know in person, or even someone on here. I don't recommend myself because I know myself to be a free radical. I'm not always a good influence on people. I still have my problems I'm dealing with and feel like they overflow onto other people sometimes.