Triggering: gah....frustrating

[BlackswordSteve]

So one of the most depressing/frustrating things about my life at the moment is my utter lack of willpower to get anything I really want done. This is probably the main reason I've been depressed for awhile.....ughhh its just driving me crazy. Like....I consider myself a creative person. And I'd like to be able to express my creativity mostly through writing, but also trying to do some drawing here and there and just working on my ideas in general. It took me a long time, but in the past I eventually came to the realization that that's the kind of person I would like to be and that I had the skills to do that. Creativity is such an important aspect of my life. I'm always of thinking of new characters or stories. Problem is, pretty much every time I tell myself "alright, this is it, I'm really going to take this seriously and start being the person I want to be", it never works. It would sit down to start writing a story, or to attempt to draw something, and my mind would just go blank and every nerve in me starts screaming to give up. I'd try to fight through it, and sometimes I actually do get stuff done (very rarely though), but everytime I just write or draw through those fits of angst, whatever comes out of it tends to suck and feel really rushed.

The worst part of it is feeling that my ideas could work, and that they'd be good, and then just...not being able to express them at all. I KNOW I have the ability to do it, it just....doesn't happen. I feel so helpless and useless. Not to mention everything else going on with my depression...suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, worsening social-anxienty, etc.

My life feels very out of control at the moment

Ughh. This freaking mental block or whatever it is is really eating me up inside

[Haunted]

don't worry, you don't have to finish stories in 2 hours, sometimes it takes weeks.
Look at me, I have been writing songs for more than a year but I only have 3 of them now and they aren't even complete!
I just feel like you.
Every time I say "let's write a song about (..)" I can't find the right words and I quit. I suddenly feel like I can't do anything right, I throw away my notebook and I start crying while saying to myself that I'm a failure.

I think it's normal, because when you do care a lot about something that you can't do properly everything else feels meaningless. And it gets even worse if you know you've been able do to that thing before.

I think that in your case it's just a block that will fade in time. I think you should chill out for some days and then you'll be able to write or draw better. Usually when you think too much about something it feels worse and so when you think too much about "what can I do? I don't know!!" nothing comes to your mind because you feel kind of confused and you can only think about your confusion.
Well, that happens to me.

[BlackswordSteve]

lol, but the problem with chilling out for a few days is that everytime I set out to start writing, the only thing I end up doing is chilling out

I really do hope its just a block that'll fade eventually. I'm kind of like you, I've been working on stuff for years and only have a few things to show for it. Still, its nice to hear that somebody out there at least knows how I feel about stuff like this.