Subconscious Suicide?

[Robin]

Right ill split this into 2 sections the past story and current situation

Past Events

a few months back now i started falling for a friend of mines girlfriend, Naturally doing the right thing and realising i was forever falling further in love with her i confronted all of my friends and informed them i would "remove myself from the group i have and try and work out whats going on in my head" after some convincing i was led to believe its fine aslong as i dont do anything, after about a month it turns out she started to develope feelings for me....i didnt know but we were texting each other a fair bit, the occasional what i would consider "over the line" text, but most of the time just talking about plans we were making and how much we ment to each other as mates......During all of this a few small things happened
- I tried a ciggerete and she told me she hated it and made me swear never to do it again
- She became a huge part of my social life
- She and i got to a point where we were saying "we cant live life without the other"
- I fell in love with her
i was trying to do the sensible thing and just take it day by day accepting what is...is, But one day we were texting and things stepped over the line and well needles to say her boyfriend found out and was not happy at all....now after this day things get a little blurry, as i was now removed from my group of friends and ignored to this very day......Not even an explanation of what i did that wrong.

heres what i have pieced together from what has been said, She told him she was falling in love with me and didnt know what she wanted, he made her choose and she basically chose him, he then said to me "friends dont do that" and basically thats that, now as for a couple of other friends one is not talking to me because "im not the same person i used to be" which is strange as 1. he was my best friend for 9 years and 2. he had not seen me in a month or so so i have no idea how he could think that. his girlfriend hates me because "i told him to cheat on her" and "i raised my fist to her" let me just make it clear i would never do that....she got the wrong end of the stick in a bad situation, without going to deep into an explantion i confronted the girl i like and tried to ask what was going on, this girl stepped in the way and grabbed one of my hands and i pulled away with my hand clenched to try and get her off of me.....as for the "forcing him to try and cheat" basically my ex had a friend who was into him and i was joking around saying he should hook up with her.....all of this was just a joke and i never considered it serious.

A couple of my other friends have just jumped onboard and are ignoring me. Now comes the worst, all up until this point the girl i orignally fell in love with has been fighting to keep me as a mate, until about a week ago when she was just like "your lying to me......its time i let you go" now ive never lied to this girl in my life all ive done is tried to keep her safe from the bad things in this world, she knows this now she thinks im lying and wont listen to me. she says the only way for me to get back in with my group of friends is to apologise to her boyfriend, which i plan on doing because i like him.


ok so thats everything (thank you if you made it through it)

Current Events:
lets make another list:-
- 1 Speeding ticket, followed by a Speed awarness course for 4 hours and a lot of cash (to prevent getting points on my license)
- my car was broken into.....
- i had a car accident
- All my friends have left me
- lost the girl i love
- MOT on my car is due this month and if that fails im screwed as i cant get to work
- Im on sleeping pills to try and help me sleep easier as i wasnt getting any
- reduced eating
- Depression/isolation are really kicking in
- I started smoking (this was to ease the pain and give my mind somewhere to be)
- an empty and dead feeling
- I used to cry everyday because i lost it all, now i cant cry at all

now after all of that i really have felt suicidal but right now i just keep going...im just thinking "I can suffer through all of this....i just have to keep moving forward" but recently ive nearly had like 4 car accidents and made some really stupid decisions like crossing a road without looking, i realise what an idiot i was for not looking after the event had passed, its things like this that bring me to my main question


Is my body subsconsciously suicidal? is that even possible?

[Seebeyondthesurface]

I don't really believe thats possible. I think you are just depressed. But I think being suicidal you feeling like theres no other choice. And a person would be aware of feeling like this I would think. I think if anything its just the depression talking because I think suicide is a choice and you have to willingly make it.