Forever alone

[Composure]

This is more of a rant than anything, hence why I'm posting it here and not seeking advice elsewhere.

Essentially, I feel like drowning my sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol, with lots of 'easy' women that really have no place in my heart or life. I want to blow up the glass that isolates me from connection with other people; but yet, I'm not that bad at connecting. People seem worried about what I think, when I make it absolutely clear that I don't care... I honestly and truly do not care what people are like.

I just want some company.
Any company. I'm so fucking alone.
People are around me, but not connecting with me. The one person I do feel I connect to doesn't seem to care. She texts constantly when I'm with her; pays no attention to me (unless she's driving or it's 5am); and just generally ignores me. It's quite sad.

Not to mention, she is the reason I feel so alone; so desperate for company. I don't want to cry out, but I don't want to go unnoticed. Do I look like I'm made of steel? I'm not impenetrable. I might seem like a heartless bastard, but I'm really just as emotional as the next guy.

When I spend time with her, I feel in company, but I feel alone at the same time. It's like she's on another planet and I'm just a pin-cushion for the pushin'.

Whatever. I just need to talk to someone, but no one's around.

[BillieGirl]

Don't drown your sorrows stand up and speak out about how you feel, if you feel isolated now why do you want to isolate your self even more?

I dont quite understand what your saying but i really want to help, i dont know why but i know for sure i want to help.

If you want to talk you can message me

Billie

[Composure]

Thanks Billie,

I think, however, it's slightly too difficult for me to explain. I don't usually sit by idly and let the world pass me by, but life seems to be filled with fear at the moment; generally, it's a fear of loneliness, but strictly speaking, it's a twisted fear that is so incredibly difficult to describe. Because of that fear, it gets me lost between the outside world and my own mind. Call me anxious and desperate, but I'm so used to having people around me and by my side - it's all I know - and when it comes down to it, I have no one right now. I have my family, but I'm too afraid to let me emotions show to them in case they judge.

In another situation, I'd be totally happy. If I could bury myself in study, I would. There is no point in me being like this, and I wouldn't be if I had something to do.

Honestly, if I told you that I was feeding off someone else's loneliness, would you believe me? But even though she might be lonely, she has people to guide her. I thought that I might be able to relate to her, and that she might be there for me, but she's disconnected from me in some ways. She's got this awkward personality, and it doesn't help me at all. She seems to ignore me, while I seem to chew up all of her loneliness. It's like it somehow transferred to me.

Six weeks ago, before her and I started talking, if you asked me if I was lonely, I'd say no. Now, for some reason, with the same people in my life, I feel more alone than ever.

But anyway. Thank you for reading/listening; it's much appreciated.

[BillieGirl]

I'm glad I read it.
Firstly, everyone has a fear but you have to get over it how ever difficult it is, take your time and try to understand what it actually is your afraid of. Is it your going to be alone when your older? or even just afraid actually leaving the house withiut company

You should speak how you feel to a friend to family they wont judge not if there truely care for you. Everyone is lonely at some stage and people get only for no reason at all even if they live in a house full of people.

If you ever need to talk PM me

Billie

[minniemouseprincess]

Im sorry sweetheart=( I don't really know what to say, but I want you to know that you aren't alone. I've known many people that feel the way you do. I want you to know that if you need anyone, i'm here for ya. It will be okay someday.