Tell Me A Joke!

[savealife723]

Rules Are Simple:

Post A Joke!

I wanna laugh.
Have fun!

I'll start...

There are two muffins in the oven.
One muffin says, "It's getting kind of hot in here!"
The other muffin says "ohboy! a talking muffin!"

Hahah.
your turn (:

[Something Clever]

Q: Which of the presidents were the least guilty?
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A: Lincoln! He's in a cent! =D

[SilentScreams]

alright, here's a joke.

(ANY MICHAEL JACKSON FANS; IT'S BEST FOR YOU NOT TO READ.

Why was Michael Jackson seen at WalMart?







He Heard Little Boy's Pants Were Half Off.

[firecracker]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
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He sold his soul to Santa
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What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
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A pool table.

[Cosmo]

What's the difference between a sack of dead babies, and a ferrari?
















I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

[Justin Bieber]

Ahhhh my favorite joke ever:

There were two muffins in an oven. The first muffin said, "Boy, it's getting hot in here." The second muffin said, "AHHHH a talking muffin!"

[emerson]

The muffin joke legitimately makes me laugh. Every time.

A few good Jimmy Carr jokes:

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Actually, they're all better when you can actually hear him telling them. Nvm.

[savealife723]

hahhaha beth!
those are goood! (:

[CanadaCraig]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn't control her pupils!!!

LOL

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Two Aerials [antennas] met on a roof, fell in love, & got married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!!

LOL

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Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

LOL


GBH - Craig!!

[MERlot]

What color is a burp?

BURPEL!

Okay, that wasn't very good. I tell it to the kids I babysit though and they laugh everytime

All the other jokes here made me smile. Thanks for that

[Justin Bieber]

What did Zero say to Eight?















Nice Belt

[firecracker]

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

[LauraB]

A husband is sitting with his wife at his 65th highschool reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging a case of Miller Lite. The wife was getting jealous that her husband was staring at the lady instead of her. So she demanded "Do you know her!?!". "Yes" said the husband calmy. "She's an ex-girlfriend of mine. We split up when we was in 11th grade. And I heard she hasn't been sober since." he said. "My god!" said the wife. "Who would think that someone could go that long celebrating?"

[losing touch.]

oh i've got some great ones :]

- i went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said 'analogue?'.. i said, 'no, just a watch.'

- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


andddd.. my all time favourite joke!!!....

two packets of crisps were walking down the street.. a taxi pulls in and says 'do you want a lift?' they say, 'no thanks.. we're walkers!' hahaaaaaa

[Fictional]

lol

There's a hotel room in New York where if you tell a lie in it, you vanish. A redhead walked in and said "I think I have the most fun." Poof! She vanished. A brunette walked in and said "I think I'm the smartest." Poof! She vanished. A blonde walked in and said "I think." Poof! She vanished.


Three women were being chased by a farmer. One was a redhead, one was brunette, the other one was blonde. They saw a truck with three empty sacks in the back, so they each jumpped inta a sack. The farmer arrived. "Where have they gone?" he mused. Then his eye fell upon the sacks. He prodded the one the redhead was in. "mew mew" she went. "It's just a sack of kittens for drowning" said the farmer. Then he poked the sack with the brunette in it. "woof woof." she went. "It's just a sack of puppies for drowning." the farmer said. then he poked the sack the blonde was hiding in. "Potato potato potato" she went.




apologies to any blondes who find them offensive :P

[Fucking Done]

When someone tells you a bad joke say

Why did the banana cross the road?

Because you were telling jokes on his side.


I love it but my friends think it's stupid, cant put most my jokes. I would offend.

[Magic.]

Three men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it?!

A blonde woman's husband comes home one day to his very excited wife. She runs up to him and says "Great news honey, I tested and I'm pregnant! And the even better news is, it's twins!!" He is over joyed but confused, "How do you know it's twins? Did you go to the doctor already?". She replies "No, the pack said 'Take two tests to be sure', and they both came back positive!!"

A fish swam into a wall ... "Dam!"

I KNOW THEY'RE BAD