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Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!
Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 20th 2012, 02:25 PM
You confuse the heck out of me.
"Ignore the ramblings of the ignorant, and step on or over their crumpled bodies as you make your way to the top of the mountain. Eat upon their flesh for fuel, and, through your determination and will, banish them to obscurity and a life of complacency and self righteousness that is the hell in which they live"
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 20th 2012, 11:00 PM
Shut up and leave me alone!
"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 20th 2012, 11:21 PM
I love you so much. (I think I make posts like this on this thread wayy too much!!) I love your smile and the funny little things you say, and when we're being snuggly in bed and you say 'come here' even though I'm here already, and when you call me cute and when you touch my earrings really delicately, and the little thing you do where you rumple your hair and look sideways and when you whisper when we're on the phone, and when you randomly tell me I'm pretty even though I look a state, and when you walk a little bit ahead of me and kind of put your hand behind you for me to catch it and hold it, and the way you can put up with me dithering over earrings in a shop for literally half an hour, and the way you're so agreeable to things and you never make me feel guilty about getting my way and you're always open to compromises, and the way we can be in a big crowd of people but you'll still give me a little look, and how cuddly you are in bed and how you didn't slag me for wanting to sleep with the light on when I was feeling freaked out that time, and how you don't mind how I look without make-up and how you always notice when I have new things and when you say 'this is so you' or 'you would love this' and how you always try to pay for everything and buy me things and you always persuade me to do what will make me happy, and how you have the loveliest smiliest eyes in the world. <3
Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror, years ago
.....
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 21st 2012, 02:52 AM
I miss you, and I should've fought harder for you. I know that now, but it wont make a difference because you've made up your mind.. and that kills me because I still love you.
"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." - Jonathan Safran Foer
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 21st 2012, 04:06 AM
I think I finally realize where you fit into my life and that is absolutely no where. You are not a piece of the puzzle waiting to be put into place, that was just a silly little dream. So silly of me for thinking differently.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 21st 2012, 01:01 PM
Fuck
you
all.
"Ignore the ramblings of the ignorant, and step on or over their crumpled bodies as you make your way to the top of the mountain. Eat upon their flesh for fuel, and, through your determination and will, banish them to obscurity and a life of complacency and self righteousness that is the hell in which they live"
Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!
Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 22nd 2012, 04:46 AM
You literally upset all the people I care about and love the most. I don't think I can continue talking to you, not after this. And I'm genuinely sorry.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 23rd 2012, 04:24 PM
Please will you sit with me? I need a hug. It hurts so bad I could cry. It hasn't hurt this bad in years.
Why must it be today? Just give me a break for one fucking day. I want to make her happy and make her smile and make her feel beautiful, now I can't stay. Give me a break, seriously. This isn't fair. Please. Just please. I love her.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 24th 2012, 12:16 AM
Fucking tell me one time where I told you that you aren't good enough. ONE TIME. What? You can't? No fucking way. I think about every single word I say to you because I know what you'd do if I say the wrong thing, and now I'm in the wrong? Now I'm bad guy for saying that sexuality isn't a choice? How the hell does that put me in the wrong? You're the one who told me that I'm going to hell for being bisexual, and now you say you are. Fucking grow up, leave me the fuck alone, and stop making the girl four years younger than you be strong for you. Stand on your own fucking two feet, because I'm sure as hell not holding you up anymore.
Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
May 29th 2012, 10:32 AM
You're a nut job. Honestly. You want to be a therapist, and yet you can't even behave in your own therapy sessions.
I don't think you'll ever make it back to uni. I think you'll misbehave once too often and get sectioned. And once you're sectioned, I think you'll probably stay that way, because hospital will have all the people will who cater to your every whim the way you so clearly want them to.
You say you understand but the reality is, you don't. Not at all. If you did, it would show in what you say. All I can see from what you say is you've found a couple of small, seemingly-key points and you're sticking by them. Which is idiotic, in the least.
So no, I don't think you'll ever achieve your goals. First of all, you can't get on top of your own mental health, and secondly, I actually don't think you're smart enough or tough enough to handle a university degree.
-
I don't want to tell you the truth because I don't want to go down the same road as I did last year. Also, although I like you reasonably well enough, I don't find myself able to trust you with my confidences, especially as I know you're leaving so there's really no point building up a relationship.
This year, with a few exceptions, is following almost exactly the same pattern as last year. If it keeps up, maybe I'll tell the new person. Or my key worker. But my emotions are the same. My actions are a bit different, but who cares?
I'm not going to tell you about the drugs because then you could tell my family, and me and my family are getting along badly enough as it is. Also, I don't want to jeopardise potentially getting my license back in October. I'm pratically living for that.
I'm not suicidal. I'm not even cutting. I'm just getting stoned, which isn't a big thing, because when I'm stoned, I either play RuneScape, or paint, or read, or sleep. It's not like I go out looking for trouble or anything like that. Not in May.
I'm scared of what happens next. Last year it was around June that I started really slipping, properly. And in August there were two very, very non-lethal suicide attempts, although I wouldn't admit it at the time. Then in September it was Citalopram, and I felt good, then everybody said it was too good, so they took me off it, and in October, I parked my car in the fast lane with the lights off because it seemed like an awesome, awesome idea, and everything was great, and I fully appreciated how dangerous it was, and that's what made it great. And the truth is, the knife was in the driver's door pocket because I wanted to stab somebody, but I missed my opportunity because that particular cop spoke to me through the passenger door.
And in October, I got put under the mental health act for the first time, then on Olanzapine, and I got low fast, and I tried to hang myself - except my neck didn't break, and I wasn't suffocating because my feet were touching the ground. So I just had to climb out of the noose and accept that my garage beams simply weren't high enough.
Then there was respite. I went for a walk (albeit on the motorway) and got mental health acted and sent to hospital for the first time. I tried to run away from hospital and got put in the locked ward. After leaving hospital I had to go to sub acute. It was horrible, I hated it. The food was yuck. I realised I'd gained weight. And I got told I could either move back to my Mum's or go into shared care, they wouldn't allow me to continue to live independently. It was horrible.
I moved back to Mum's and I hated it, so I drank a bottle of paracetamol. I made the mistake of e-mailing my psychologist, thinking (hoping) she wouldn't get the e-mail until after the weekend. She got the e-mail the same day. She called an ambulance. The ambulance took me to ED, and from ED I got referred to . . . the psych ward. I was informal so I tried to leave . . . then got put under the mental health act, and back into the locked ward. I found a way to SH in the locked ward, so I got moved to a 3 bed unit which is basically locked intensive care. I hated it. Apparently I almost broke my knuckles punching things.
Eventually I got out. My at the time psychiatrist said she wanted me to stay as informal but would let me leave if I chose that. I chose to go home.
Was fine until uni was about to begin, got stressed, got scared, got low. Spent a couple of weeks in respite. Started uni. Things got worse. Had a clear suicide plan. Ended up in hospital, and, unsurprisingly, not long after arriving got moved to the locked ward. After being released at the end of March, aside from a brief altercation with the law (for which my court date is looming) I've been mostly ok.
Same as last year. Depressed at the beginning, due to stress, end up in hospital feb-marchish. Mostly ok april onwards. Now we wait. See if something more happens.
I'm scared, oh god I'm scared. I don't want to get depressed again. I don't want to get high again either.
That's why I can't tell you. I can't tell you because if I start talking, you'll find out too much, and it will prevent me from achieving my goals.