Say something you wish you could say to their face.

I can still feel the ghost of your hands all over my body, and no amount of soap and water can get them off of me. Every emotion I didn’t allow myself to feel while we were dating is now flooding me and I’m so overwhelmed. Why did I let you touch me like that? I feel so dirty, so useless, so used. Why didn’t I try harder to tell you I didn’t want a physical relationship? I want to be mad at you, but my ‘no’ was so quiet. I feel like I’m going to be sick and there’s nothing I can do to make this any better.

Tonight, I found out my extended family didn’t like you. My brother’s friend took my phone and deleted the bullshit message you sent me a few weeks ago. She cropped you out of photos I look cute in. I deleted your number. I still remember it, but it’s not in my phone anymore. I’m drunk and I can’t stand you, but I miss you and I still love you. I won’t stand for you treating me like shit though.

[Kate*]

Don't hold this against me, I'm losing it and you could've done things A LOT differently.

I don't lack compassion, I disagree with a lot of socially acceptable opinions and I expect people to take responsibility for themselves and what they do to others because I've been through a lot of s***
There is nothing wrong with that, and it's no reason to attack me.

I lied about not liking those jeans. The truth is, they’re way too big. I know I wore that size in May, but I don’t anymore. I’m afraid to tell you they’re too big because then you might say something else about the weight loss. I want everyone to let it go. I’m not even thin, it’s fine.

[Storyteller.]

You don't get it. I don't know why I thought you would.

[Kate*]

You're 64, how can you not work a microwave?!

Every single one of you is guilty and knows exactly what you did and how you got away with it. Lucky for me and the rest of your victims, so does HE and I know that karma is on it's way.

“I’m alive,” I told you. “Yeah,” you said, “for now.”

That hit me harder than anything else that has been said to me about my health.

You’ve been down this road, I thought you got so much worse than where I’m at, but last night you told me people go to inpatient with the amount I eat. I thought I was eating so much more, and I am, from what I did eat for months. I thought telling you that the weight loss slowing down would prove I’m getting better, but you asked if I’ve changed any of my habits.

You said that I look like I’m dying, and I might not make it to summer. I can’t wait until summer to begin treatment because I might die before then.

I’m sorry that I’m scaring you. I’m sorry that I’m hurting you. I’m sorry if I cause you to relapse. Recovery is possible for you, but maybe it’s just not for me.

[London_grace]

You're not a very nice teacher. I just want to learn how to play and you just yell at me and make me cry. Just because you already know how to play. I wish you we're nice when teaching me.

I rung in 2017 while texting you. I was hanging out (“babysitting”) my cousins, and I remember the oldest asking me who I was texting the whole night. I wanted to send you some kiss emoji or something at midnight, but I didn’t. Tonight, I rang in 2018 with my family that loves me unconditionally. I didn’t even think of you at midnight. Here’s to a new year that you haven’t claimed in my memory.

[Kate*]

To myself: He knows EVERYTHING, including your heart and true character. He will redeem it all, so you can stop telling Him.

[Silvan]

Why do you always forget me...?

It's the third time recently that I've accidentally discovered a group of my acquaintances had forgotten about me. But this time it hurt the most, because you were the people I truly loved. Or love... actually. I missed you so much, you know? But here I see you've moved to a different forum half a year ago and nobody even uttered a word about it to me.
It really hurts, you know. Really.

"I am going to hurt you. I worry because you are so kind and trustworthy. Too kind, too trustworthy."
"I am not like that with everyone"
"Why are you like that with me?"
"Because I love you"

No, don't love me because I'll hurt you. All I ever do is hurt you. I get tired. I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I get hurt and so I push people away. I care so much about you. I do love you but I am scared. Scared for the future. Scared for you because all I ever do is hurt the people I love.

[Kate*]

Just do your job! Or, on second thought, don't. It'll be easier to get rid of you that way.

This won’t kill me, I won’tet it get that far. Just a few more pounds, and then I’ll stop.

I deserve more than that

It’s 2:39 AM and I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about you telling me that I’m dying. You said you don’t want to have to come back home in two months for my funeral. You don’t say shit like that, but you did. Are you being honest? Do I really look that bad? Or are you just trying to scare me? You said that the two of you are really concerned about me, but is that concern exaggerated because you both ended up in inpatient for your eating disorders? Or does that make your concern more valid? I don’t feel like I’m sick. I’m fine, I have to be fine. I’m not underweight. I’m not too thin. I’m okay. This isn’t a real eating disorder. I’m fine

[Kate*]

I'm trying not to be selfish about this considering what I already think about her. But, WHY is it that no matter what day, time, or length my shifts are, they ALWAYS conflict with her f***ing appointments?! And WHY do you always wait until the last second to tell me?! At least when I was miserable and had no life, this wasn't a constant problem.

I know you all want to see me fail.

I know that if I succeed than your son will look like the biggest failure ever. Maybe you should have stopped enabling him.

I will not fail.

[London_grace]

My ankle is hurting me so much because I wasn't paying attention yesterday.

I cried tonight. I stared in the mirror and looked at my body, trying to comprehend how something so large can exist. I’m too big for this world, and for the first time in years, suicide was a legitimate thought on my mind. But I can’t do that to my kids. My coworkers could do my job for me, but I know those kids love me. I know that if I killed myself, they’d never forget it. They’d never forgive me. I can’t do that to them. Suicide hurts too many people. I know how it hurts. I don’t think I can tell my counselor about this. I can’t tell her I considered suicide, even if only briefly. I’m okay. I have to be okay. I want to be okay.

You’re wrong, I’m not underweight. I don’t look underweight. I’m fine. I’m okay.

You moved the egg muffin tin and now I can’t find it so I can’t make the one breakfast I’m comfortable with. I was going to try to eat just the toast, without the egg whites and onions, but I gag just thinking about it. No breakfast today. No lunch either. No more food. No more food.

[Silvan]

Aaron.
It comes as a pleasant surprise and quite an unexpected turn of events for me that we're going ice skating together tonight.
I feel so... unreal. I expected to attend this school for the next three years, yet it seems that tomorrow is going to be my last day there. Can you imagine?
What I wanted to tell you is that indeed, I hate my class for being the people they are. But at the same time there are few people at this school whose image in my head makes me cry when I think I'll abandon them. I might not even see them ever again.
You're one of them, naturally.
It's you, Jo and Jem. The three of you, basically. The only thing that consoles me is that I might see you from time to time at the ice skating rink. I hope. I honestly hope I will.
Maybe I'll see Jo on some occassion. Maybe during the celebration in September. Fuck. January to September is almost a year.
And Jem? I won't ever talk to Jem in person again, probably. I'll miss him.
So unreal. Today, ordinary ice skating session - tomorrow, teary farewell? No.
I don't want it to be a teary farewell. After all, I'm not dying, I'm changing schools in order for my life to get better.
And I sincerely hope all the hard work you put into studying here will pay off. That you'll reach your goals without paying a price too high.
That, simply, you'll enjoy your life.
And therefore I wish you all everything the best. I'm embarking on a happy, yet completely unpredictable journey. I love you.

[lameoverachiever]

To the girl who I've been friends ever since 6th grade,
No one noticed. I was always there for you whenever you had shit going on or hád just fought with your parents, but where were you when I was having panic attacks, not wanting to get out of bed, crying so much I couldn't breathe, digging my nails into my skin to make things better? You and our friends were all I had. My family clearly doesn't care. My hope was pinned on you. And you let me down. Again.
I'm never going to be enough. I'll never be good enough for Mom, who yells at me whenever she has a chance and will always pick Peter over me. She won't let me have the meds. And I'm tired of having to fight this on my own, but I'm still trying. I wasn't enough for my father, who moved to be with his new family. He tries to be there, but I won't let him. I don't wanna ruin this relationship like I did with every other one. I'm not enough for any of you. I'm too angry and too problematic and too dramatic and cry too much.
I'm done with being everyone's second option. You have V, who's better and nicer and smarter and prettier than I'll ever be. She's your best friend now. You have an amazing family who cares and loves you, don't take them for granted. Live your life. Be happy. Don't worry about me. I'll find people who care at some point, and i'll find happiness (or I hope so).

[London_grace]

I'm so scared!

[Silvan]

To you. Again. It's always to you.
Today, something changed. I felt it and I'm absolutely sure it wasn't a delusion, I felt a change as if it was tangible. It was a change from neutral to positive. You finally seemed relaxed in my company, which honestly means a great deal to me. Your broad smile was finally genuine and you hugged me way longer than you normally do. Where did this change come from? I'm just wondering. Not that I'll complain, of course...
what a pity starting tomorrow I'll only see you occassionally. I thought our friendship could become something more. Maybe it will still be possible - quite unlikely, though. I don't know. We'll see what our lives throw at us next.

[Kate*]

Thank God you are not my direct manager, not only were you zero help, but you were a total bitch! Yes, I want to call off before the storm hits, and I am offering to still come in. I tried to give plenty of notice and it's the first time I've ever tried t call off since hire 5 months ago. I might just wait, leave a message and not come in at all if that's how you're going to be!

I’m reading this book called Life Without Ed and it’s teaching me that my eating disorder is not who I am. It treats an eating disorder as an abusive relationship, and you have to learn to separate your thoughts from “Ed’s” thoughts. I don’t know how to do that on my own. Right now, I want to go to the gym because I weigh more than yesterday and I ate too much for breakfast. Rationally, I know that is not me, but Ed saying going to the gym will make me feel better. But I still like running, so running has to be good(?). This break has been hell for my mental health. I’m glad counseling starts back up next week.

[Kate*]

One call off in 5 months for a legitimate reason is more than reasonable. And yes, I called over 11 hours ahead of time, that's called advanced notice, you're welcome.

dinner is still sitting on my bookshelf. I know I need to eat it, but I can’t.

My eating disorder wants to kill me, but I want to live. Please, please, please say something. Please confront me. I can't say it out loud. I can't tell you. Please, my life depends on you confronting me about my eating habits. You've been so close so many times. Please, just ask. Please.

I'm going to cut up the food you prepared for me and pretend to eat it. I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't eat it. I'm sorry.

[Silvan]

Don't forget me.

I lied. I’m sorry.

I saw a phone case that had an attachment for a fidget spinner, and I immediately pulled out my phone to send you a picture. I had taken the photo before I remembered that I deleted your number, and you unfriended me on all social media. I stood in the middle of that aisle and the world around me went silent as I heard you scream (all over again) "never talk to me again, you fucking bitch." I had to leave immediately before I began crying in public.

J asked me why we broke up, and all I could say was that I realized we were better off without each other. K intervened and called you a douche-bag (later on, in private, she would refer to you as an abusive douche-bag - I wouldn't go so far). I said that we both made mistakes, and I had to make the decision to leave because I knew you wouldn't. J said that was an extremely mature decision.

I found this photograph of me when I was five. This picture was taken on my first day of kindergarten and I look so excited. I remember that day, I remember how grown up I felt. I think I was more capable of handling life at five than I am at twenty, or at least I had more confidence at five. It hurts to look at that photograph though, because it reminds me of your little sister. I didn't ask about her post break-up because I knew it would only serve to piss you off (though you never took that into consideration when you turned pissy because you didn't get to continue a relationship with my siblings post break-up), but I miss her. I miss her a lot. And I don't know what she was told about me or why I'm no longer coming around. With how blunt your family is, I'm sure she was told that I'm a bitch that broke her brother's heart. Probably in those exact words. What did you do with the stuffed animal I made her?

Do you know that I found the flower I made you? I don't know if you left it on that desk on purpose, or if it fell out of your bag and someone moved it to the desk. But I found it. And as I held it in my hands, I began crying. Full-on crying in front of a half dozen people. Someone tried to take it out of my hands, but I wouldn't let them. I wanted to be the one to throw it away; I needed to be the one to throw it away. This little flower that took me five minutes to make, that I sprayed with my perfume and you kept on the dashboard of your car. It was so small. So meaningless. But the fact that I found it discarded is what broke me. You got rid of every part of me, even the smallest and most insignificant.

You told me multiple times that I came to the decision to break up too easily, but that's not true. It wasn't something I decided on in 90-minutes like you claim, I truthfully had been thinking about it for a month. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep in fear that you were going to break up with me. I remember when you texted me, asking me to set aside time to talk the next day. I told a friend you were going to break up with me, and realized that even if you didn't, I had to break up with you. You have no idea how much I cried that night, or how much I drank the days after, or how little I ate for a week.

Here we are, almost four months post break up and you're still in my head. Here's to the second beer I'm drinking, on a not-quite empty stomach (I've been eating more, if you care anymore). Classes start tomorrow and you won't be there because you graduated. I don't know if that brings me comfort or hurt. You graduated early for me, thinking that we would get married this upcoming summer. But that's not happening. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about running into you on campus, but I'm going to miss seeing you walk between buildings. No matter how much I deny it, I'm still in love with you. I don't want to be, and I shouldn't be, but I am.

But hey, at least I get to start back up therapy this week, so maybe that'll help? Who knows. I hope it does. I know she thinks life will be easier for me when I don't have to see you all the time, and maybe it will. Maybe sitting in my house for hours every day for the past five weeks has negatively impacted my mental health (who am I kidding, I know that it has). Hopefully, getting back to a regular school schedule will help me be less anxious and depressed.

Here's to a year that you've become another stranger. I can't say I'm happy about that, but there's nothing I can do to change it.

[Silvan]

Sleep used to be a form of escape for me, but now I see you even in my dreams. It's starting to become horrendous.

I didn’t realize you were within earshot, and I know you heard the whole conversation. You don’t have a very good poker face. You now know that I’m anorexic and lost a shit ton of weight, agumented even more by the stress of a horrible breakup. I’m honestly not concerned if you report it to the school, because the worst that can happen is that they require me to get help (which I’m already doing). If you heard the whole conversation, you heard me talk about the number of friends that know, the family members that are close to getting it, and the plans I have to get additional help. You may still be required to report since you’re an employee of the university, and I can’t be mad at you if you do. Maybe that would be the push I need to tell my parents I need to get into a program.

But I’m not any different, I’m not a different girl than the one you knew prior to finding out I have an eating disorder. I’m still a passionate future teacher that wants to spend her life serving kids. I just have to hurdle anorexia first.

[Kate*]

I wanted to be like you until you did that. Now I want to learn the skills you have, and use them for good instead of evil.

[Silvan]

I need to give up on you. I guess I should post it in a 'say something to yourself' thread rather than here.

[London_grace]

I don't care! It's a lot! I binged on food secretly in my room last night because I'm upset about mom.