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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Noah Zomby Offline
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100 Chuck Norris facts - May 4th 2011, 12:07 AM

Haha. I love these! (Warning: This post is pretty long)


1. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
3. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
4. Leading hand sanitizers claim to kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
5. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
6. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
7. Once, while having sex in a tractor0trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
8. Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bade he has never cried.
9. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
10. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight form March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesn’t swing around and hit your head; his left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.
12. Chuck Norris put the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
13. Chuck Norris once one a game of Connect Four in three moves.
14. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
15. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Power Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
16. Chuck Norris can run Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
17. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
18. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.
19. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep ever night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
20. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
21. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice our of a lemon.
22. If you spell Chuck Norris wring on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
23. Chuck Norris dies ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
24. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
25. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s fucking beef.
26. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaces by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
27. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
28. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris upper-cutted a hourse.
29. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
30. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
31. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares then down until he gets the information he wants.
32. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
33. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
34. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
35. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
36. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger; he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to love.
37. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
38. Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
39. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
40. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
41. If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
42. Chuck Norris was on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
43. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
44. Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair in his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
45. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
46. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
47. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
48. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murder in Boulder County, but the judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.
49. Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar; his shirts just get an erection when they touch his body.
50. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
51. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
52. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
53. In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by two strokes.
54. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license weapon in all 50 states to legally wear pants.
55. Chuck Norris never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.
56. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
57. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
59. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.
60. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
61. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
62. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the light on, he turns the dark off.
63. When god said “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said “Say please.”
64. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
65. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
66. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.
67. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
68. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
69. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
70. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but still Jack couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
71. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley.
72. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Jeep.
73. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
74. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
75. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
76. A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
77. Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
78. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
79. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.
80. Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simple says, “Now.”
81. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that not even he can lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
82. Piñatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
83. Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a Cyclops between the eye.
84. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
85. Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”
86. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
87. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.
88. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
89. Chuck Norris used to beat the shot out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
90. A rouge squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can’t find bigger, better nuts than that.
91. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
92. Before Chuck Norris was born; the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected with a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
93. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry.”
94. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is.
95. Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
96. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
97. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
98. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
99. Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one if his to Lance. With just one of Chuck’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
100. Someone tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Risk something, take back what's yours.
Say something that you know they might attack you for.
Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before.
Like it's stupid standing for, what I'm standing for.


When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die.

Your voice is your own, I can't protect it.

You'll have to sing.
A verse no one has ever, known.
Don't be afraid.
Cause no one ever sings, alone.
Love all.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Kitty. Offline
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Re: 100 Chuck Norris facts - May 8th 2011, 03:56 AM

These are hilarious.
  Send a message via MSN to Kitty.  
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Noah Zomby Offline
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Name: Noah Mohandas Tanner
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Posts: 218
Join Date: April 12th 2011

Re: 100 Chuck Norris facts - May 8th 2011, 08:24 PM

I know! They're awesome!


Risk something, take back what's yours.
Say something that you know they might attack you for.
Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before.
Like it's stupid standing for, what I'm standing for.


When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die.

Your voice is your own, I can't protect it.

You'll have to sing.
A verse no one has ever, known.
Don't be afraid.
Cause no one ever sings, alone.
Love all.
   
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