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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Jokes? Share yours. - October 7th 2011, 12:15 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm currently suffering from a dearth of good jokes, so I think we should have a thread where everyone can share theirs. Obviously nothing overly racist/sexist/etc. stop me if I break my own rule . Apologies if this is a repost, this one will be better because of my presence (see, I'm an ass).

Here's one, credit to the Late, Great, Townes Van Zandt (from whom my sig is also pulled)

So there's this drunk stumbling down the street. He sees a cop in the distance, walks up to him and says, "I think somebody stole my car." The cop says, "Well, where was it?" And the drunk replies "It was right on the end of this key!" "Well, why don't you go down to the station and report it, I'm sure they'll have to fill out all the proper forms and such...but before you go downtown, you should probably zip up your fly."

"Oh, man, they got my girl too."

The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 7th 2011, 03:22 PM

What's brown and sticky?



Best joke EVER

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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 16th 2011, 05:51 AM

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 16th 2011, 09:41 AM

Since it's marked non-PG-13, I'll list a few jokes, none of which are very offensive.

This first one my father told to me for years on end and I always laugh at it:
A bear and a rabbit are sitting in a forest next to each other, minding their own business eating food. The rabbit notices the bear is squirming and getting agitated. The rabbit asks the bear, "what's going on with ya", and the bear replies, "do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit calmly replies, "no I don't". The bear pauses for a few seconds then grabs the rabbit and wipes his shitty arse. LOL

A lecturer is teaching first-year medical school students about clinical observation. He lifts a large jar with a yellow-ish liquid onto the table for the students to see. He asks what is in it and a student correctly answers that it's urine. The lecturer says, "to be a proficient doctor, you must be observant and use your senses of smell, taste, touch, sight and sound appropriately". He dips his finger into the jar then licks it. The students are bewildered and the lecturer asks them to come to the front to do the same. After they all finished with a look of disgust on their faces, the lecturer chuckles and says, "none of you were observant because if you noticed, I put my middle finger in the urine but licked my ring finger".

A guy goes to the local walk-in clinic noticeably distressed. When he finally gets to see the doctor he says, "doc, you gotta help me, each time I fart there's no smell". The doctor looked perplexed and asked, "can you fart here so I can examine it?" Sure enough, the guy farted right on cue. The doctor nodded and said, "I know what the problem is, I'll be right back". A few minutes later, the doctor returns holding 2 ominous blocks and some tissues. The guy stared at the blocks and nervously asked, "w-wh-what's th-that for d-doc?" The doctor replied, "you'll see", propped open his windows with the bricks then handed the guy the tissues and said, "it's not your fart that's wrong, it's your nose".

A guy walks into a bar, has some drinks then tells the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can walk to the end of the bar and piss into this cup right here". The bartender laughs thinking the guy is drunk so he agrees. The guy walks to the end of the bar and piss flies all over the place, on the walls, tables, people, floor but none of it reaches the designated glass. The guy zips his fly up and walks back to the bartender who is laughing away and says, "alright buddy, you owe me $1,000" but sees the guy is also laughing so he asks, "why you laughing, you just lose $1,000?" The guy smiles and says, "I bet that guy at the table $10,000 I could piss all over a part of the bar and have you laugh".

Three mice are at a local bar having drinks and chatting. The first mouse decides he wants to show he's the toughest of the three, so he orders a shot of scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the table. He turns to the second mouse and says, "I'm so tough, when I see a mousetrap, I hop on it belly-up, set it off with my foot and do 100 bench presses". The second mouse smirks, orders 2 shots of scotch, gulps them down and slams the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and says, "when I see rat poison, I collect it with my bare paws, bring it back home and grind it in my morning coffee for a good strong buzz". The two mice turn to the third one and ask, "what about you?" The third mouse finishes the cheese he's eating, stretches out, sighs then says, "I don't have time for this crap, I gotta go home to fuck the back-alley cats".

Two recently-released pedophiles are walking around the neighbourhood chatting to each other and as they pass by the local church, they see a small pair of underwear on the ground. The first pedophile picks it up, smells it and says, "ahh, the scent of a seven-year old". The second pedophile takes it, smells it and says, "no, no, it's the scent of a nine-year old". The two pedophiles argue back and forth, and their noise catches the attention of the local priest who walks up and asks what the commotion is about. The first pedophile hands the priest the underwear and says, "it has the scent of a seven-year old" but the second pedophile interrupts and says, "no, it's the scent of a nine-year old". The priest smells it and says, "you're right, it's the scent of a nine-year old but she's not from my parish".

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 18th 2011, 12:10 AM


A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, God?"

Yo mama is so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
bahahahah :'D I just had to do that.

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- Bert McCracken
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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 18th 2011, 12:33 AM

What is the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 19th 2011, 12:52 AM

There was a farmer, and, one day, he had his girlfriend over. He showed her the farm, and at the end of the day, they were sitting on the fence of the cow pasture watching the sunset. Suddenly, one of the male cows starts to "have its way" with a female cow. The farmer leans in to his girlfriend and says, "Gee, I'd like to do that." His girlfriend replies, "Well, it's your cow."

This pirate with a steering wheel attached to his belt walks into a bar. The bartender is puzzles, so he asks, "why do you have a steering wheel your belt?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts."
(Say this in a pirate voice if you don't get it--it should make more sense.)
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Re: Jokes? Share yours. - October 19th 2011, 10:40 PM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink."
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slammed his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink."
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

"..And if you're perusing the social media networks, I urge you to keep your fucking opinions to yourself. If you're going ruin someone's day, ruin your own."
- Bert McCracken
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