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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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sex before marriage - October 28th 2012, 11:12 PM

Hi everyone,

I fear I may be opening up a can of worms here but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I know it's a really old fashioned view but I wondered what some of you thought. I've had a very... difficult... past shall we say. After everything that's happened, I really think I want to wait until marriage before having sex with anyone again. I think sex should be something special between two people who are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. But it seems that no one else follows that view any more. I think everyone should have the choice to do what they want and it really makes no difference to me if everyone else is at it, I would never condemn someone for it. But it's really not for me. My male friend who's a virgin won't stop going on about sex and how he can't wait to lose it. He's been really winding me up today, he keeps saying "Good Luck finding a guy who'll wait until then". This upsets me. It's like we are practically forced into having sex. But I can't do it. I can't do it just because someone will leave me otherwise. This really scares me though as it seems like either I stay single for the rest of my life or I get with someone and am forced to have sex with them. I'm only 21 and I feel like everyone else my age just wants to do it on the first date practically. What does everyone else think?
   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 28th 2012, 11:15 PM

I'm 18 and while I do have a sexual relationship with my girlfriend (when we see each other anyway, we're long distance) I would have no problem with waiting however long whoever I was with wanted to. If I was in love with someone who wanted to wait until marriage, then I would wait that long. I mean, I was with my girlfriend for over nine months before we had sex (both virgins) and I know people who waited longer than that, it's just about when you're both ready. I don't agree with the idea of sex without love personally - I'm not gonna judge anyone for having meaningless sex but I wouldn't do it - but I would wait as long as my partner wanted.


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Re: sex before marriage - October 28th 2012, 11:28 PM

I wouldn't have a problem waiting until marriage if someone wanted to wait, but if not, I would be okay with having a sexual relationship with someone as long as I trusted them and had been in a relationship with them for quite a while. It is just a matter of when both of you are ready to have sex, and that is different for everyone.


   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 28th 2012, 11:29 PM

Thanks, Chris and Dez. It's good to hear there are still people out there who feel the same way or at least to the point of being able to respect a partner's decision I guess I was just shocked by my friend's response as I genuinely thought he would be one of those guys who wouldn't mind waiting. He keeps saying he thinks I'll change my mind when I meet the right person. But I don't want to change my mind. He makes me feel like I should or that I have to and I really don't feel comfortable with it
   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 29th 2012, 02:14 AM

Well, I would tell your friend not everyone is the same. I honestly thought the same way with losing my virginity to someone who was a complete douchebag in the end, but we all learn and live on. I can admit that I thought waiting until marriage to have sex again would be the proper thing, but I did fall with someone else eventually and actively made love again. It's all up to you on how you handle your body and life. Don't live up to someone else's expectations and pressures. Good luck!




   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 29th 2012, 10:55 AM

Before I lost my virginity, I had the same mind set. But, it doesn't take an engagement or a marriage for two people to love each other, does it? I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend in high school, at the age of 16. I trusted him, and in all honesty, I have no regrets towards what happened. We ended up staying together for two years afterward before we ended things (more like I found out he was cheating on me). While this might (or should have) put a damper on any kind of dating afterwards, I jumped into another relationship (and I agree it might have been too early) about a month later. Two weeks after that relationship began, we started our sexual relationship. I'm glad I didn't wait because I love sex with my boyfriend. It's fun, crazy and I enjoy it and so does he. Why should we have to wait to make a huge commitment to each other in order to enjoy what is just another aspect of a relationship? I feel no need. Granted, I've never been a religious person, and not all reasons behind wanting to wait are religious, but you see my point. We want to take huge steps together in our relationship, and the next big one is moving in together, and we have even talked about marriage. It doesn't take a pretty ring or a huge ceremony for people to commit to each other. What about those people who never wish to get married, but have been in relationships for over 10 years. A co-worker of mine has been with her boyfriend since she was about 16-17, and they are both now going to be turning 30 very soon. They have no plans to get married. Obviously, their situation is different right? They love each other, and that's all that matters.











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October 29th 2012, 06:35 PM

Sorry Shannon but I really don't see your point. I don't see how it's "just another aspect" of the relationship. Surely you cannot get any closer to a person than to make love to them? For me, I can't see why on earth I would want to share that with someone other than my husband. I want that person to make a commitment to me before I share myself so intimately.

Of course their situation is different. If two people are happy with giving up a part of themselves so freely, as long as they're happy, that's great I just know for me, I wouldn't be happy unless I was married. I agree that it doesn't take a marriage for two people to love each other, but if he can't even be bothered doing that, why should I give up a piece of myself so easily, I clearly don't mean that much if he won't even do that.

Just my view though, as I said, I thought this may open a can of worms as younger people, and to be fair most older people these days just don't follow the same morals / views.

Quote:
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Well, I would tell your friend not everyone is the same. I honestly thought the same way with losing my virginity to someone who was a complete douchebag in the end, but we all learn and live on. I can admit that I thought waiting until marriage to have sex again would be the proper thing, but I did fall with someone else eventually and actively made love again. It's all up to you on how you handle your body and life. Don't live up to someone else's expectations and pressures. Good luck!
Thanks Sam. I've tried telling him that but he just doesn't get it :/

Last edited by Tigerlily.; November 1st 2012 at 06:00 PM. Reason: Merging Posts
   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 29th 2012, 08:40 PM

For me, sex is just another aspect of the relationship. I have urges, as does everyone, and I decided to act on them before I was committed to someone in the way of marriage. But, as I said, my boyfriend and I love each other so greatly, that we don't feel the need to wait. If we break up, will I regret it? No. For me, someone doesn't have just one soul mate, they have two or more. I thought my first serious boyfriend was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with, and we were even engaged at one point. But, things don't work out. And, THAT happens in marriages too. Can you honestly say for sure that your marriage will last forever? No, because nobody can.

Everyone has different opinions, and I give you kudos for waiting for the right person. I waited for the right person too, the circumstances are just different. Does that make you or I wrong? Nope.











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Re: sex before marriage - October 30th 2012, 01:23 AM

If you know that you want to marry the person you're with, and they want to marry you, then what difference does a ring on your finger and a piece of paper make? None, in my eyes.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - October 31st 2012, 12:51 PM

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Thanks Sam. I've tried telling him that but he just doesn't get it :/
You're welcome. It's okay that he doesn't get it. That shouldn't be your problem to evaluate and solve. Some people just won't. It isn't your fault and maybe it isn't his. People just view things differently. He should respect your wishes with a nod and move on. If your friend is really consuming your life about this, I would reconsider, in a mature manner, what a friend is.




   
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November 1st 2012, 07:25 AM

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If you know that you want to marry the person you're with, and they want to marry you, then what difference does a ring on your finger and a piece of paper make? None, in my eyes.
Because you don't know that. People get engaged all the time but it doesn't mean they'll actually marry. Heck I've been engaged before but we didn't marry. And yeah you can say that a marriage may also break down but it's a lot less likely. Personally I wouldn't enter into marriage lightly like some people seem to do these days.

Plus that's not really saying your opinion. Are you saying you'd wait until you "know" (term used incredibly lightly) you want to marry the person or what? x

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You're welcome. It's okay that he doesn't get it. That shouldn't be your problem to evaluate and solve. Some people just won't. It isn't your fault and maybe it isn't his. People just view things differently. He should respect your wishes with a nod and move on. If your friend is really consuming your life about this, I would reconsider, in a mature manner, what a friend is.
That's a good point about what a friend is. The other night he actually said "You're wrong", not "I think you're wrong", just "You're wrong"! I wouldn't mind so much if he said he thought because then that's just a personal opinion but grr anyway I'm winding myself up. I think we need time apart as he's really peed me off with this. Thanks for reminding me of that x

Last edited by Tigerlily.; November 1st 2012 at 06:01 PM. Reason: Merging Posts
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 12:20 PM

There is concrete research that proofs that couples who wait to have sex until marriage, have a way better chance of staying together. And your friend is so entirely wrong. I've met so many guys who shocked me by saying they wanted to wait (some weren't even doing it for religious reasons) Your friend is eager for it, because he's never had it and sex is experienced differently for men than women.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 01:09 PM

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Originally Posted by tamz View Post
Hi everyone,

I fear I may be opening up a can of worms here but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I know it's a really old fashioned view but I wondered what some of you thought. I've had a very... difficult... past shall we say. After everything that's happened, I really think I want to wait until marriage before having sex with anyone again. I think sex should be something special between two people who are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. But it seems that no one else follows that view any more. I think everyone should have the choice to do what they want and it really makes no difference to me if everyone else is at it, I would never condemn someone for it. But it's really not for me. My male friend who's a virgin won't stop going on about sex and how he can't wait to lose it. He's been really winding me up today, he keeps saying "Good Luck finding a guy who'll wait until then". This upsets me. It's like we are practically forced into having sex. But I can't do it. I can't do it just because someone will leave me otherwise. This really scares me though as it seems like either I stay single for the rest of my life or I get with someone and am forced to have sex with them. I'm only 21 and I feel like everyone else my age just wants to do it on the first date practically. What does everyone else think?
I'm going to be brutally honest here. Unless you marry a stuck up Catholic, you are going to find it difficult to find a guy who will be willing to wait till marriage to have sex with you.

Here is why: Let's say someone tells you that you are not allowed to eat till you get married, and you can only drink pills that keep you alive till then. Then someone else comes along and say, hey, I have a nice juicy steak for you! Would you take the steak? Of coarse you would.

Well, that is EXACTLY what it is. With most people, and ESPECIALLY males, the drive to have sex is as strong as, if not stronger than, the drive to eat. I would go as far as to say that the drive is stronger than the drive to survive. I don't know about other men, but to me the drive is MUCH stronger than my drive to survive, and I have ONE HELL OF A SURVIVAL INSTINCT. We would do basically ANYTHING for a girl in order to get sexual with her. Do you have any idea how many men gave up there dreams, their life's goal, their families, their jobs, and even their LIVES for women? I would go as far as to say half of all wars have been fought for the sake of women. Just think of Helen of Troy for instance! So, when making your decision to not have sex until marriage, take into account of what you are actually asking of the man...


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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 01:59 PM

First off, I can't get married to a woman. I guess it would be celibacy for me until the end of time?

Secondly, I would worry a lot about sexual incompatibility. What if you find out (because sexuality went unexplored) that your new husband is a furry or is into scat and can't get off without it? What if you were so disgusted by his fetishes that you couldn't your bring yourself to have sex with him? Now you're stuck. Because you're married.
If you had explored with each other before marriage, you would have known these things.

Out of curiosity, does masturbation count as sex before marriage?
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 03:47 PM

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Because you don't know that. People get engaged all the time but it doesn't mean they'll actually marry. Heck I've been engaged before but we didn't marry. And yeah you can say that a marriage may also break down but it's a lot less likely. Personally I wouldn't enter into marriage lightly like some people seem to do these days.

Plus that's not really saying your opinion. Are you saying you'd wait until you "know" (term used incredibly lightly) you want to marry the person or what? x
People get married all the time and get divorced, too. I don't see what makes it any different, other than a lot of paperwork and money spent.

No, I'm not saying I'd wait, I lost my virginity when I was 17, and don't regret it.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 06:06 PM

I'm moving this to Current Events and Debates because this is becoming more of a debate on the idea and I think it's better suited there.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 06:31 PM

This topic kind of frustrates me because it doesn't really need to be debated. It's a personal choice. If you wanna wait, cool. If you don't wanna wait, cool. I'm not gonna force my morals on to you because I happen to think differently since it makes literally no difference to my life what you choose to do sexually.




   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 06:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tamz View Post
Hi everyone,

I fear I may be opening up a can of worms here but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I know it's a really old fashioned view but I wondered what some of you thought. I've had a very... difficult... past shall we say. After everything that's happened, I really think I want to wait until marriage before having sex with anyone again. I think sex should be something special between two people who are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. But it seems that no one else follows that view any more. I think everyone should have the choice to do what they want and it really makes no difference to me if everyone else is at it, I would never condemn someone for it. But it's really not for me. My male friend who's a virgin won't stop going on about sex and how he can't wait to lose it. He's been really winding me up today, he keeps saying "Good Luck finding a guy who'll wait until then". This upsets me. It's like we are practically forced into having sex. But I can't do it. I can't do it just because someone will leave me otherwise. This really scares me though as it seems like either I stay single for the rest of my life or I get with someone and am forced to have sex with them. I'm only 21 and I feel like everyone else my age just wants to do it on the first date practically. What does everyone else think?
I don't think you are any different from anyone else, you have your own opinions and views on things, if someone disagrees then it's really their choice. It is your own body and you can do whatever you would like with it. If you want to wait till marriage then that is really awesome, if you don't then again that is really awesome. If your boyfriend wants sex and if he doesn't 'get' it and he leaves then he seems he doesn't respect you and your opinions. Are you declined in just vaginal intercourse or is it every sexual aspect as well (blow job, hand job, licking, touching, etc.,)? If your just declined in vaginal intercourse would you be open to other sexual aspects?

Sex is a big choice to make, you have to take on responsibilities when having or beginning to have sexual intercourse with someone. You have to ask if 1) are you ready 2) are you prepared (condoms, birth control options, pregnancy, STI's) and 3) if something did fall under what and how would you handle it.

Why do you think you will be signal for the rest of your life? Just because someone doesn't want to engage in sex doesn't mean they will be alone. Also, if someone forces you to have sex this is called rape and it's illegal to do. No one should ever force someone into sex without his/her consent.

Yes, some guys and some girls do have sex on their first dates but that is them and how they feel as well with their personality, your not them. If anyone has a issue or questions why you are wanting to wait till marriage tell them how you feel about it, you don't have to go into details just say something like, "does it matter what I do with my sexual life?" Honestly it's no one business to know another sexual life in less they tell that person.

Please don't stress what others think of what you do with your sexual life, it's private.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 10:47 PM

I highly encourage sex before marriage, and I'm a 23 year old virgin. But to me being sexually compatible is extremely important in maintaining a long term relationship, such as a marriage. You can love someone but that doesn't necessarily mean you will be right for each other sexually. I know several marriages that broke up due to sexual incompatibility. I plan on staying married once I get married, and I would like to avoid making that commitment to someone who I might not be completely right for. So I will not be waiting, I certainly want to be in love when I lose it. But I can be in love without marriage.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 1st 2012, 11:20 PM

What about people who do not have the option of marriage? And what if you don't want to get married? I do not understand the idea that everybody SHOULD wait. You SHOULD do what you're confortable with.and you'll find somebody who wants to wait, don't worry.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 12:35 AM

How can people *not* have the option of marriage? :S Even homosexuals can have a civil ceremony but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

To the person who said I'll find it difficult to find a guy willing to wait, perhaps. But I'm not being forced into having sex just so I can be with a man. Because if that's the case, we're obviously not compatible. If a guy wants to be with me, he's got to respect the fact I don't want to, otherwise go find someone else as like you say, there are plenty of girls out there who do want to. As for anything else sexual, I completely disagree with that too. I have been raped in the past and I think that's mostly the reason I want to wait so no, I don't personally feel comfortable with doing anything else until I'm married. Incredibly personal choice though.

To the person who said "I would like to avoid making that commitment to someone who I might not be completely right for" but to me I'd much rather make that commitment first before sharing myself so intimately. There's so much more to a relationship than just sex, I really don't see why it's the be all and end all for people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snufkin View Post
This topic kind of frustrates me because it doesn't really need to be debated. It's a personal choice. If you wanna wait, cool. If you don't wanna wait, cool. I'm not gonna force my morals on to you because I happen to think differently since it makes literally no difference to my life what you choose to do sexually.
I didn't mean for this to become a debate, I was just wondering if there were actually other people like me as my friend was making me feel like there wasn't and it upset me a bit because it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. It's not something one *can* compromise on as like someone said before, someone doing it without your consent *is* rape.

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Originally Posted by Esmeralda View Post
First off, I can't get married to a woman. I guess it would be celibacy for me until the end of time?

Secondly, I would worry a lot about sexual incompatibility. What if you find out (because sexuality went unexplored) that your new husband is a furry or is into scat and can't get off without it? What if you were so disgusted by his fetishes that you couldn't your bring yourself to have sex with him? Now you're stuck. Because you're married.
If you had explored with each other before marriage, you would have known these things.

Out of curiosity, does masturbation count as sex before marriage?
masturbation is solo so why would it count as sex before marriage? :S But no, I don't do that either nor do I wish to.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 12:50 AM

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Originally Posted by tamz View Post
To the person who said "I would like to avoid making that commitment to someone who I might not be completely right for" but to me I'd much rather make that commitment first before sharing myself so intimately. There's so much more to a relationship than just sex, I really don't see why it's the be all and end all for people.
Of course there is much more to a relationship than sex. But as I said if you want a long lasting romantic relationship, sexual compatibility is a must. We all have sex drives that will eventually need to be satisfied. What if you marry someone who can't do that, you might think you'd be able to live with it but it's much more likely that someone will in the relationship will cheat. Besides marriage is not a step that everyone who wants a long term relationship wants to take. I have a friend who doesn't believe in marriage, she wants a forever, life long love, but she doesn't want to get married. A slip of paper doesn't mean you are any more in love or committed.

Here's the thing, as I said before I'm a virgin, in today's society a very old one. I am not going to jump right into bed when I finally get in a relationship. I do want to be in love, I want to be comfortable with whoever is going to take my virginity. However before entering a marriage I want to have been with the guy long enough to have an idea if our relationship can last the rest of our lives. To me that takes at least 2 years. It would be damn near impossible to find a guy willing to wait that long, especially since the engagement would probably last another year. But as I said I would want to be absolutely sure our relationship would still work if we were married, so I would not only want to have had sex with the guy, but I would want to have lived with him for a bit too.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 12:56 AM

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Of course there is much more to a relationship than sex. But as I said if you want a long lasting romantic relationship, sexual compatibility is a must. We all have sex drives that will eventually need to be satisfied. What if you marry someone who can't do that, you might think you'd be able to live with it but it's much more likely that someone will in the relationship will cheat. Besides marriage is not a step that everyone who wants a long term relationship wants to take. I have a friend who doesn't believe in marriage, she wants a forever, life long love, but she doesn't want to get married. A slip of paper doesn't mean you are any more in love or committed.

Here's the thing, as I said before I'm a virgin, in today's society a very old one. I am not going to jump right into bed when I finally get in a relationship. I do want to be in love, I want to be comfortable with whoever is going to take my virginity. However before entering a marriage I want to have been with the guy long enough to have an idea if our relationship can last the rest of our lives. To me that takes at least 2 years. It would be damn near impossible to find a guy willing to wait that long, especially since the engagement would probably last another year. But as I said I would want to be absolutely sure our relationship would still work if we were married, so I would not only want to have had sex with the guy, but I would want to have lived with him for a bit too.
And that's entirely your choice. Like it is mine. I'm not going to be raped just so I can have a guy! As I said, I didn't mean for this to become a debate, I was just upset with my friend.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 01:05 AM

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And that's entirely your choice. Like it is mine. I'm not going to be raped just so I can have a guy! As I said, I didn't mean for this to become a debate, I was just upset with my friend.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 01:09 AM

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Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Not sure why you're so confused. People are basically saying you *have* to have sex before you get married for various reasons. But I don't *want* to have sex therefore if a guy were to do it anyway, it would be rape. Ergo, I'm not going to be raped (again) just so I can have a guy...
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 01:42 AM

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Not sure why you're so confused. People are basically saying you *have* to have sex before you get married for various reasons. But I don't *want* to have sex therefore if a guy were to do it anyway, it would be rape. Ergo, I'm not going to be raped (again) just so I can have a guy...
I think you are overreacting a bit. No one is saying you are going to have to be raped to get a guy. Of course you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but you should be aware that it's not going to be easy. Granted finding the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with is rarely easy. All I'm saying is that I personally believe that sex is a too important part of a relationship that you should make such a major commitment such as marriage without making sure the sex is going to work.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 02:04 AM

You have your opinion, other people have theirs. You're kind of freaking out instead of looking at the other side of the topic.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 02:47 AM

As most people here know, I didn't have sex before marriage. I outright refused, and told my (now) husband very shortly after we started dating how I felt. It seemed weird to tell him within the first month of dating, but I didn't want to give him the impression he was going to "get some" before marriage. That way, he could "run away" from it before we both ended up getting hurt. The good thing is... He completely respected my decision and we waited a long 7 years before we got married and started having sex.

He showed me that he respected me by agreeing to not have sex until marriage and it meant a LOT to me to show me that kind of love. He loved me enough to wait and it made me love him even more.

I chose to wait for a variety of reasons with my top two reasons being:
1. My Catholic faith - Self explanatory. Sex is something I wanted to share with my husband and ONLY my husband. Not, "We're engaged, that's close enough," and not, "Oh, I think I'm going to marry him one day." I wanted my wedding night to be special - to let him know that with marriage, he was getting every part of me, body, mind, and heart.
I remember someone explaining that having sex was like giving a little piece of your heart away and it's something you can't get back once it's gone. I wanted to be able to give my whole heart to my husband.
2. Chances of pregnancy - Despite the fact that there are plenty of preventative measures a sexually active couple can take, I didn't want to take the chance that something could happen. I'm not the best at taking my birth control pills (which I'm not on for pregnancy prevention - I'm on them because I could otherwise end up being infertile). on time every night and condoms break. Plus, I'm pro-life, so Plan B and abortion are just NOT options by any means.

I am VERY glad I waited until my husband and I got married. Neither of us had sex prior to marriage, so it's been a learning experience for both of us - we're finding out our likes and dislikes together, and while it was definitely awkward at first, the experience of learning together has been special.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 02:59 AM

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Originally Posted by TakeTheLeap View Post
As most people here know, I didn't have sex before marriage. I outright refused, and told my (now) husband very shortly after we started dating how I felt. It seemed weird to tell him within the first month of dating, but I didn't want to give him the impression he was going to "get some" before marriage. That way, he could "run away" from it before we both ended up getting hurt. The good thing is... He completely respected my decision and we waited a long 7 years before we got married and started having sex.
There is a bit of a difference here though. You were much younger than the OP when you started dating your husband. A 15 year old, and a fellow virgin, is much more likely to be accepting of waiting until their 20s. A guy in his 20s, who most likely is not a virgin, is not likely to wait around for 7 years. I don't see any non virgin wanting to spend their 20s being celibate. You were lucky you met the guy you wanted to marry when you were a teenager, it made sense to wait, especially since married or not you've still lost your virginity at a younger age than I'm going to, and probably the OP too. And there's nothing wrong about that, but it's not easy. I just hope the OP gets that. I have a friend who wants to wait, she's 27 and still a virgin. She has been dating her current boyfriend for about 6 months, he's 33. She really really likes him, and he respects that she wants to wait, HOWEVER, he doesn't want to get married ever. But he loves her and it frustrates him that they aren't at the level of their relationship he wants to be at. Another however, when she suggested she would change her mind about waiting, he freaked out on her because apparently taking someone's virginity, especially an older virgin, is a huge responsibility. So just know it's not going to be an easy situation, I have to deal with it too I'm not looking forward to it.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 05:18 AM

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I've had a very... difficult... past shall we say. After everything that's happened, I really think I want to wait until marriage before having sex with anyone again. I think sex should be something special between two people who are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together.
I'm not going to jump to conclusions here, but do you truly believe in not having per-marital sex because that is just what you believe...or do you believe you shouldn't have pre-marital sex because...well, you've had a troubled past, experienced traumatic events (that is my assumption of course) and as a result lost trust in, perhaps, certain types of people? From what I'm getting at already is that you don't just believe that you should wait to have sex because it's just something you believe...I believe that it could be mostly fear that drives you away from engaging in pre-marital sex. I'm sure it could also be a little bit of both, but I think that if you took that fear (provided you have fear) away...you'd be a bit more open-minded about the whole thing. Right now, you say that sex should be something special -- of course, losing your virginity should be a special experience because it's something that only happens once in your life. However, do you really need to be married in order to have that special experience? Or can it be just a regular relationship between two people who feel strongly about each other? After all, marriage is all about rings and legal documents. In order to get married, you typically have to be in love (a major motivation to get married in the first place). Once you get married, is that love any different than the love you had before you actually got married and after you got married? Does a preacher say "I now pronounce you husband and wife...which means that your love for your partner has tripled in love points." Of course not. You loved your partner the same before you got married and after you got married. The only difference is that...well...you're married.

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Originally Posted by tamz View Post
But it seems that no one else follows that view any more.
Are you kidding me? You could do 5 seconds of research on the internet and you could easily find so much evidence to indicate that there still are people who believe that you shouldn't have sex before marriage. Most of them are religious people, but some people can be non-religious and still believe in not having pre-marital sex. Besides...there's bound to be someone besides yourself who believes in the same thing you do...c'mon...we're all different, but not THAT MUCH to a degree that every single one of us believes in completely different things. We can believe in the same things -- you may think otherwise because people who wait till marriage are people who don't really like to admit it in public. Especially women. I'd say women are more likely to admit that they don't believe in pre-marital sex than not believing because that would make her a whore, right? For men, it's the opposite because...let's face it...a dude not willing to have pre-marital sex seems "pretty homo." Who are women more likely to hang out with? Other women...provided she was a "girly girl" (if she was a "tom boy," it'd be a different story). Other women, of course! So the women who are openly willing to admit that they support pre-marital sex, or have actually had pre-marital sex is not significantly large...however, the changes of society are causing that audience to increase in numbers. You may not hear a lot from those people, but I promise you that there's people who believe in what you believe.

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Originally Posted by tamz View Post
My male friend who's a virgin won't stop going on about sex and how he can't wait to lose it. He's been really winding me up today, he keeps saying "Good Luck finding a guy who'll wait until then". This upsets me. It's like we are practically forced into having sex.
He speaks the truth, but you're taking it the wrong way. The probability of actually finding a guy who is willing to wait till marriage as not as high as...well, some women think it should be. There's a very valid reason why and it's all referring to that Biology. It's a fact that girls mature faster than boys -- the raging hormones are still going to be present in a lot of young girls/women, but they are probably less likely to engage in pre-marital sex because they are mature about it. On the other hand, boys take some time to mature and therefore have a higher probability of engaging in pre-marital sex. When we have lots of raging hormones, we want to satisfy those natural desires. So statistically...it's going to be harder to find a man that hasn't had pre-marital sex and/or is willing to wait till marriage. A lot of men might say it, but I assure you that it's used as a persuasion tactic. At first, it's always that they're willing to wait, and sometimes they actually plan on it. But when they actually start dating you and realize that they have a girlfriend who can provide them with sexual satisfaction, things start to suck (no pun intended). As they say...you don't know what you're getting yourself into. Your chances are going to be lower when you start requiring your partner to have certain beliefs. So yes...you're going to need luck because the odds may be against you, but that doesn't mean you're being pushed by any means. It just means that you just may need to be patient, and you should be if you plan on finding someone who is worthwhile because we may find someone to love...but that doesn't that they're someone you're going to marry. Finding someone to marry usually takes a good bit...unless you're lucky.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 08:14 AM

1. You're acting like people are attacking you for your beliefs but they are being defensive for you attacking their beliefs. You can wait until marriage, nobody is arguing with you that it is the right choice for you. It just might not be the right choice for me, your friend, or others.

2. There are people that cannot get married. Civil union is not marriage and civil union isn't even legal everywhere.

3. Not everybody wants to get married but want to have relationships. Although you don't want to do that, others do, and they have their right.

4. There are many men that are willing to wait until marriage, you'll find somebody, don't worry. I think my partner would have waited if I would have wanted to because we love each other. But we decided to just have intercourse and we do not regret it. It's a personal choice, and I'm glad you're sticking to your beliefs.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 04:34 PM

I read the first whatever posts, then skimmed the rest, but here is what I personally believe.

You wouldn't get forced into anything. If your boyfriend wants to have sex, but you don't, you tell him no & he has to respect that. If he doesn't, then he doesn't seem like someone worth dating anyways.

As far as marriage goes though, nothing in life is guaranteed. People break up all the time, people divorce all the time. Having a ring or certificate won't change that. Someone can easily cheat on you if you're married, that doesn't change just because you add a ring to the equation. There is never a guarantee.

But you have to know when YOU'RE ready, whether it's before or after marriage. I'm sexually active with my boyfriend & although we haven't been dating long enough to discuss marriage or anything, we have discussed that we both date with the intention of finding someone to marry later on down the road. We're not just dating because we're lonely or want sex; we're in love & we have every intention of getting married, when the time is right. But we're not going to say "oh just because we had sex, we have to get married". That's absolute bullshit, to be blunt. If I had said that about my last boyfriend, I'd be trapped in an abusive relationship. & Anyways, neither my boyfriend or I would have a problem with not having sex. We just happen to both want to do it & have the same morals.

I agree that sex is important & although I don't care if other people do it, I don't like to sleep around. I only have sex with people I am truly in love with & want to be with. It's all about personal preference.

But I would just like to emphasize that being pressured into having sex IS NOT the same as being raped. You have a choice, you can say no. Sure, he might break up with you, but do you really want to be with someone like that anyways? There will always be peer pressure, whether it's from your boyfriend/girlfriend or friends or family, but you have to think about what's best for YOU. If you have sex willingly before you're ready, that's on you. You can't blame society.



   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 05:52 PM

tamz, it's awesome that you want to wait until marriage and keep it sacred. I am too. Trust me, it's really not hard to find a guy who agrees with you about that. You'll be able to when the time is right. Don't give in because you think there is no one who will agree with you. Trust me, there is.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 06:33 PM

i'm completely with you..
sex is sacred and is supposed to strengthen marriage.. not the other way around..
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 07:29 PM

I have had sex and I'm not married. If someone wants to wait then fine, as long as they don't try to force that ideal on me.

If you get a boyfriend that can't respect that you want to wait then dump him. Simple as that. Because sex is obviously all he cares about.

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Originally Posted by Esmeralda View Post
First off, I can't get married to a woman. I guess it would be celibacy for me until the end of time?

Secondly, I would worry a lot about sexual incompatibility. What if you find out (because sexuality went unexplored) that your new husband is a furry or is into scat and can't get off without it? What if you were so disgusted by his fetishes that you couldn't your bring yourself to have sex with him? Now you're stuck. Because you're married.
If you had explored with each other before marriage, you would have known these things.

Out of curiosity, does masturbation count as sex before marriage?
Just pointing out because I am a furry. A furry is someone who is into cartoon animals. Not someone who dresses up in an animal costume and has sex in it. That is a common misconception. Yeah it happens, people have their fetishes. But that is not what a furry is about.
   
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 08:33 PM

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I'm not going to jump to conclusions here, but do you truly believe in not having per-marital sex because that is just what you believe...or do you believe you shouldn't have pre-marital sex because...well, you've had a troubled past, experienced traumatic events (that is my assumption of course) and as a result lost trust in, perhaps, certain types of people? From what I'm getting at already is that you don't just believe that you should wait to have sex because it's just something you believe...I believe that it could be mostly fear that drives you away from engaging in pre-marital sex. I'm sure it could also be a little bit of both, but I think that if you took that fear (provided you have fear) away...you'd be a bit more open-minded about the whole thing. Right now, you say that sex should be something special -- of course, losing your virginity should be a special experience because it's something that only happens once in your life. However, do you really need to be married in order to have that special experience? Or can it be just a regular relationship between two people who feel strongly about each other? After all, marriage is all about rings and legal documents. In order to get married, you typically have to be in love (a major motivation to get married in the first place). Once you get married, is that love any different than the love you had before you actually got married and after you got married? Does a preacher say "I now pronounce you husband and wife...which means that your love for your partner has tripled in love points." Of course not. You loved your partner the same before you got married and after you got married. The only difference is that...well...you're married.
I think it's a combination of both - the fear and the genuinely believing it. My mother always brought me up to believe you shouldn't have sex before marriage but when I was a teenager I willingly slept with my boyfriend who I thought I loved at the time and he turned out to be someone who later went on to rape me. A part of me thinks that if I'd just listened to my mother's advice, it wouldn't have happened as we would have broken up long before then. Of course, it could have happened any way, we may (unlikely) but may have gone on to marry and *then* he went on to rape me so it's a daft thought but I can't help but wonder. I do also wish I'd waited for other reasons too, not just because of the rape. With my Mum bringing me up to think that, it's always been ingrained in me deep down. I'm also starting to believe in the bible and God's word a lot more than I used to. I'm still unsure what to believe on that front but I suppose part of wanting to wait comes from that. I guess I can't totally rule it out, if I was with someone who I loved and I felt comfortable and it felt right, who knows, maybe we would. But, I don't want to be going in to a relationship with someone with them thinking there's a chance we may, there's a chance they can convince me otherwise, or not so much convince me, I don't know, do you get what I'm getting at though? Because if I do still decide I want to wait until marriage, it would feel like I'd lead them on and I'd much rather someone know and be able to make that decision from the off.

Anyway, I'd love to be able to reply more but I must dash, friend's 21st bday party Please know though guys that I do not judge people who do choose to, even if it may have come across that way in earlier posts, I do apologise. I know it will be a hard road but it's one I'm prepared to take. If other people want to have sex, be that in a loving committed relationship, one night stands or anything else, that's entirely their choice. As long as they're happy, then that's great, because what's more important than happiness.

Take Care
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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 09:51 PM

I'd find it hard to wait until marriage, but by all means, if someone said they weren't ready to have sex, or they wanted to wait a specified period of time (with an option to renew), and I actually cared about this person, I would respect that view.

I don't really see what all the fuss is about in this thread. Is there some sort of social trend that I'm missing?


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Re: sex before marriage - November 2nd 2012, 11:20 PM

It all comes down to personal choice and opinion in the end - aside from general issues of legality, whether to have sex before or after getting married is not a question with a right or wrong answer. It's down to what the individual in question is comfortable with, and that takes priority over all else. Certainly, no one should feel pressurised into having sex by their peers, nor should they feel they need to act in a certain way sexually to keep up with expectations. For the record, I am a virgin out of choice but I have no qualms with others my age (or younger) choosing to have sex - that is their decision, and none of my business anyway, so as long as they do so in as safe a manner as possible I have nothing really to add on the subject. Obviously if they're putting themselves or others in danger by their conduct, that raises different issues again, but generally I take the view of each to their own.


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Re: sex before marriage - November 6th 2012, 08:42 PM

Its all what you believe. For me, my opinion is based on how my partner and I feel in the relationship. I am actually very proud of your decision. It is a hard commitment to make, so do not let anybody tell you its stupid because it is not at all. Stay strong with your opinion and your feelings.


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