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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
l0stCause Offline
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why is it such an issue - February 9th 2010, 09:13 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i knwo ill prob look like an ass for this post but i was curious, why is it that ppl seem to blame all there problems on being abused? now im not talking about sexual abuse or rape(if uve had either on theese happen u have nothing but my sympathy) im talking about the ppl who get beaten as kids and use it as an excuse for y they cant function in society.
i was wondering because a friend of mine(call him bill) seems to blame the fact that he was hit as a kid for everythign from bad grades in school to failed relationships, it just seems like a lot of ppl use it as a scapgoat for y they a fuckus in there own life.
i mean i was beaten to no end as a kid broken fingers noses ribs arms cut burned the whole 9 yards yea it sucked at the time but if anything id say it makes u stronger, u survived being tortured other problems aint as bad so can sum1 please give me the other side here i just dont understand y its such a big deal in society


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Last edited by Casey.; February 10th 2010 at 01:42 AM. Reason: Marking triggering, to be safe
   
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Re: why is it such an issue - February 9th 2010, 09:17 PM

Hey there.

I am going to go ahead and move this thread to Current Events and Debates as it seems you are looking for more of a discussion and people's opinions than advice.

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to PM me.

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but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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Re: why is it such an issue - February 10th 2010, 12:45 AM

Everybody reacts to problems differently. Some people, like you, have almost no problems later in life. Once the chapter of their life that involved the abuse has passed they don't give it a second look, life goes on, water under the bridge, etc..
But some people get abused and it never leaves them, it affects all aspects of their life to the point where they don't function properly. Sometimes they become extremely shy for the rest of their lives because they're afraid that if they speak up they'll be punished severely, or that if they stick up for themselves nobody will support them, etc..
And then there's a whole lot of possibilities between the two.

Everybody is different, just because that situation didn't bother you as much doesn't mean it wouldn't bother someone else for the rest of their life.


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Re: why is it such an issue - February 10th 2010, 01:15 AM

LaFin made some good points.

But also, mental illnesses CAN be triggered by traumatic childhood incidents, whether physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, and other things too, like even growing up watching abuse happen.

I think another factor is if there is any history in your family of mental problems, though. Like, if you and "Bill" have been through the exact same stuff, but he has a member, or members, of his family with any mental health problems (OCD, Depression, Bipolar, etc., etc.), that'd make him more likely to be negatively, and functionally affected by the things that happen in his life.

But you're right, sometimes people will use such things as a scapegoat, though automatically assuming such isn't going to help. Maybe you should talk to him, and see if he's willing to try and get some help from a Doctor, Therapist, whomever else.
   
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Re: why is it such an issue - February 10th 2010, 01:33 AM

Quote:
i knwo ill prob look like an ass for this post but i was curious, why is it that ppl seem to blame all there problems on being abused? now im not talking about sexual abuse or rape(if uve had either on theese happen u have nothing but my sympathy) im talking about the ppl who get beaten as kids and use it as an excuse for y they cant function in society.
i was wondering because a friend of mine(call him bill) seems to blame the fact that he was hit as a kid for everythign from bad grades in school to failed relationships, it just seems like a lot of ppl use it as a scapgoat for y they a fuckus in there own life.
i mean i was beaten to no end as a kid broken fingers noses ribs arms cut burned the whole 9 yards yea it sucked at the time but if anything id say it makes u stronger, u survived being tortured other problems aint as bad so can sum1 please give me the other side here i just dont understand y its such a big deal in society
I see where you're coming from, and I don't think you're an ass. The truth is that being beaten isn't really different than rape or sexual abuse in the sense that they're both really dramatic things to go through...especially growing up as children. I mean, you can be devastated by that kind of stuff. And I think that devastation is something that's hard to control. I mean yes, like addictions or anything like that, but for the most part, you can make decisions on whether you want the past control your life. Some people are worse than others, but you can't expect everyone to go through something devastating and come out with no problems and everything is okay. I mean, some people can't get over it, some people control it (but once something happens that relives that experience...it triggers them and all that stuff), and then there's people like you who go through shit and come out better and stronger, which is good. Like Julz said, there's different factors when it comes to nature and nurture.

It's okay to use it as an excuse for some things, but if you really can't function in society, there's gotta be a lot more to the story.
   
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Re: why is it such an issue - February 10th 2010, 01:47 AM

I agree with Rick here. I know a girl who was raped, and it doesn't bother her at all, it happened, and now she's okay. But then I know another girl who was sexually abused, and she gets upset and it's painful for her. It hurts her so badly. Doesn't make either girl right or wrong, but they handle different situations differently. The first girl recently broke down over something else, because she reactions to situations differently.She also doesn't get why people who were raped hurt so badly, because she doesn't hurt like that, not because of being raped.

Some people will use it as an excuse, abuse, I've seen it too. But some people are really hurt by it, it's not something they can just get over.They have to work at it, and they have to work through there past. You can't just tell someone to get over something, it's not going to happen.


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Re: why is it such an issue - February 10th 2010, 04:51 AM

I agree with you, except I believe it more psychologically affects people than others. Why? Can't say. The only explanation I can think of is possibly just the breach of trust and fear that is instilled in a kid. I mean, it's the same with divorced parents. Some kiddos get completely fucked by that, others just accept and move on... of course that's much more minor that abuse, I'd think.

I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused as a kid for a while. Was fucked up for a bit, got on my feet and moved on. I excel in school, I have future plans and I do not touch drugs or alcohol because I have seen the precedent for what I do NOT want to be. I want to go somewhere in life. I am emotionally strong and passionate about what I do. Because I had a hard childhood? I don't know. All I know is I never made that excuse and I gave everything my all no matter what.


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Re: why is it such an issue - February 11th 2010, 08:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by l0stCause View Post
i knwo ill prob look like an ass for this post but i was curious, why is it that ppl seem to blame all there problems on being abused?
A few reasons. First, the abuse can and does alter one's behavior and possibly personality. To what degree and to what direction varies from person-to-person. It may not lead to any problems although it can. Second, it's backed by many, many psychological theories and so when someone uses it as an excuse, depending on the situation, they may have some rationale for it. Third, it's easier to blame others who have hurt you than yourself. If you feel you're the victim and you know the perpatrator(s), you're more likely to blame them than yourself. After using the excuse over and over, it's easier on oneself because you don't have to address the issue as it's not your fault. It's like procrastination, it's easier to lean back and have the smart kid do the work rather than you do the work.

In some cases, I do think it is a valid reason, however, there is a limit to everything. If you have poor social skills because of abuse, alright, that's fair enough. But, if you keep using the excuse without trying to improve, then you begin to have more and more blame at your feet. Likewise, if you do poor in school because of abuse, fair enough, however, if you don't try or if you resort to the same excuse, then although the abuse excuse may still be true, it's also true that doing diddly squat about it puts you to blame also.

Quote:
Originally Posted by l0stCause View Post
i mean i was beaten to no end as a kid broken fingers noses ribs arms cut burned the whole 9 yards yea it sucked at the time but if anything id say it makes u stronger, u survived being tortured other problems aint as bad so can sum1 please give me the other side here i just dont understand y its such a big deal in society
Abuse is a big deal in society because not only is it illegal but in the culture, it's frowned upon. Years ago teachers were allowed to whack students for misbehaving but now, at least in North America and Europe, if a teacher does that, they can get fired, sued, tossed in jail, the whole ten yards. The concepts of parenting change and with how they are currently, smacking the kid around until it's black and blue every day is seen in a very negative light for the people doing that while the child is seen in a sympathetic light.
   
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Re: why is it such an issue - February 12th 2010, 05:53 PM

I personally think that there is a middle ground between the two extremes. As someone who is studying psychology and counseling, I do agree that someone's psychological makeup can seriously affect the way that stimuli such as abuse and rape affect their psychological wellbeing. Some people are just more susceptible to lasting effects from such trauma.

On the other hand, I also think that our society (at least American society, I imagine most of the "developed" world is the same though) has gotten to a point where it is ok to blame your problems on everyone else and not take responsibility for them. Look how often people blame their parents for illegal or immoral actions, saying that it's because of the way they raised them, or they didn't give them enough love, etc.. There comes a point where a person has to take responsibility for their own actions. I think that sometimes people use past traumas as a crutch.

Now, like I said, I think there's a midpoint somewhere between those two.
   
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