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Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 8th 2010, 05:17 AM

(I wasn't sure if this thread belonged here or Friends & Family. Feel free to move it)

Based on personal experiences, I don't like the idea of parents being unhappily in a committed relationship because they have kids. It may work for a while (or many years in my case). Eventually, the relationship between the parents starts to fall apart and it can have quite an effect on the kids even though they aren't the source of the tension between their parents.

Any thoughts/opinions on this issue?


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 8th 2010, 10:06 AM

I think if the relationship generally isn't working, then the child shouldn't have to live with in an unhappy relationship. In that case perhaps it's best they see their parents separated and happy than together and fighting.

However if it's merely a case of the relationship loosing it's sparkle, and there's no obvious hostility, than the parents still have to think of how the child will react to their family literally breaking in two.

Here's a quite moving take on the subject.
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 8th 2010, 02:25 PM

I think it's worse for the children :/ I know a lot of couples who have only stayed together for their children. There's unnecessary fights, unhappy parents and unhappy children. You can be a great parent even if you aren't in a perfect looking family.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 8th 2010, 04:44 PM

It's definitely better for children to have happy parents who aren't together than unhappy ones who are together. Besides, inevitably the unhappy parents will split up and the kids will have to deal with it then. It's easier to handle the younger you are I think, so it's better to split up as soon as you realize there is no chance of it working out.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 8th 2010, 06:24 PM

Kids pick up on whether their parents are happy or not-so parents aren't fooling their kids at all! Sometimes I believe, the parents use the kids as an excuse for their own fears of leaving the relationship (finances, living arrangements etc..)...the kids are the scape-goat for their own fears.
There is no excuse to stay together in a relationship as no one should deprive themselves of happiness...no matter what!
I also believe that people need to remind themselves of why they got married in the first place and do what they can to try to make it work before they so easily throw in the towel...
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 10th 2010, 10:42 PM

I learned about this in psychology. It's actually better to stay together for the kids unless it is an abusive relationship or very unhappy. However, you would have to take into account the happiness of the parents and that will have to be a personal decision they will make as parents. I do not feel I should judge people on whether they stay together or not because I don't know what they feel.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 11th 2010, 10:13 AM

It matters on how the parents are together because "not getting along" can be anything from sometimes making snide comments that nag at the person to abusive relationships where both parents wish the other were dead. If it's the latter, then the child would be involved and have to be around abusive parents. In that case, it's better if the child lived elsewhere or with only 1 parent. On the other hand, if it's the first situation, then despite the stress, it's not as bad and depending on the age and mentality of the child, they could be with the parents still.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 11th 2010, 11:08 AM

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It matters on how the parents are together because "not getting along" can be anything from sometimes making snide comments that nag at the person to abusive relationships where both parents wish the other were dead. If it's the latter, then the child would be involved and have to be around abusive parents. In that case, it's better if the child lived elsewhere or with only 1 parent. On the other hand, if it's the first situation, then despite the stress, it's not as bad and depending on the age and mentality of the child, they could be with the parents still.
I really disagree with this. Having parents who fight constantly, nag each other, or make snide comments at each other is not a healthy situation for a child to be in, at any age. It's unpleasant and it creates unnecessary stress for children. Plus it sets a terrible example for them of what they should expect in future relationships.

One of my friend's parents split up when she was about 15. They had been separated for a year, with her dad sleeping in a separate room, before they even told her. Even now, they are still very friendly with each other. That is what I think the best way to separate would be, especially for the children. I mean, unless there is a major issue, like an affair or abuse, I see no reason why two people who used to love each other suddenly can't stand to be in the same room.



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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 11th 2010, 05:40 PM

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One of my friend's parents split up when she was about 15. They had been separated for a year, with her dad sleeping in a separate room, before they even told her. Even now, they are still very friendly with each other. That is what I think the best way to separate would be, especially for the children. I mean, unless there is a major issue, like an affair or abuse, I see no reason why two people who used to love each other suddenly can't stand to be in the same room.
Same situation with a 7-year old would be entirely different, however. It's a tricky question.
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 11th 2010, 05:47 PM

It is not a good idea; because, I would not want them fighting all the time.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 12th 2010, 02:36 AM

My parents stayed together because of us kids and it wasn't a good idea. When two people are no longer compatible together they should not stay together. Sure a divorce is going to be hard on kids but from personal experience being forced to live in a chaotic environment is worse.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 13th 2010, 02:38 AM

If they can stay together without causing animosity and negativity to leak into their life then that is fine. In that case it is a temporary housing situation and they truly are doing it for their kids.

If, however, they act like a majority of people who "stay together for the kids" then no. They should most definitely not stay together.

Stay together or not it is a difficult situation for a child to be in. It would have to be very expertly handled if they did stay together. It would have to be expertly handled if they did not. Either way, there is a very small margin of error.



   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 13th 2010, 10:43 AM

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Same situation with a 7-year old would be entirely different, however. It's a tricky question.
Can I ask how you think it would be different just because the child is younger? I don't think I quite see what you're getting at.



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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 13th 2010, 11:18 AM

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Can I ask how you think it would be different just because the child is younger? I don't think I quite see what you're getting at.
A 15 year old is mature enough to understand the reasons for her parents breaking up while a younger child is not. They are more likely to handle the breakup better since they need less family support than a young child. From the teen's point of view, it's a conscious decision by their parents that their lives will be better separated; from the child's point of view it's the collapse of their family.
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 13th 2010, 11:37 AM

As a child who grew up in a violent miserable house, I totally disagree with it. What lesson are you teaching the child by staying miserable all your life?



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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 13th 2010, 11:24 PM

I think it entirely depends on how bad the relationship is. It all depends on what's better for the children. If staying together is doable and better for the kids, then do that. But sometimes separating is better for the children.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 15th 2010, 08:10 PM

I think parents should not stay together in an unhappy relationship.
My mum brought me and my siblings up fine without my dad. We still saw him and I know that if they had stayed together I would have been much worse off.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 15th 2010, 08:15 PM

Definitely not a good idea. Why would it be good for the children to see a 'fake' relationship? Especially from people who they look up to. I don't think anyone should stay in a relationship with someone they didn't love, regardless of the situation. I think it's bad for the kids because eventually, the relationship will hit the rocks and it will be worse off than before.



   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 15th 2010, 08:26 PM

I don't think it's a good idea for two people to stay together just for the sake of the children. Children pick up on vibes, like why does dad have to sleep on the couch?

It's much nicer for a child to grow up with both parents happy and not fighting around them.

My parents stayed together for us kids, and we could tell something wasn't right. They eventully split up and everything got better, they wren't fighting anymore. They got back together a year after but everything is kushty lol.





   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 17th 2010, 12:48 PM

I don't think its a good thing at all. If your not happy then its better to split up. You don't want the kids to pick up bad habits and hear all the arguing and fighting.




   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 17th 2010, 01:30 PM

I feel my parents are staying together because of me. They don't fight or even raise their voices at each other. They just seem to pass each other by. Does that make sense? I almost never spend time with both of them at the same time. Maybe during a doctors appointment or something. It's sad to me. They must have loved each other at one time. They had me. I wish they were happier together. It would make me happier too.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 18th 2010, 10:01 PM

Everything parents do should be for 'the sake of the kids'. If your stuck in an unhappy relationship, I'm sorry but too bad. (I don't mean abuse - if it's abusive you should leave).
It's much easier for an adult to deal with their parents divorce that for a child to have to deal with.

This is why you should be responsible and not get into a relationship you not able to commit to if you are going to have children.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 21st 2010, 02:56 AM

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Everything parents do should be for 'the sake of the kids'. If your stuck in an unhappy relationship, I'm sorry but too bad. (I don't mean abuse - if it's abusive you should leave).
It's much easier for an adult to deal with their parents divorce that for a child to have to deal with.

This is why you should be responsible and not get into a relationship you not able to commit to if you are going to have children.
This is what I couldn't have enough intelligence to write when I posted lol.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 21st 2010, 10:05 PM

Quote:
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Everything parents do should be for 'the sake of the kids'. If your stuck in an unhappy relationship, I'm sorry but too bad. (I don't mean abuse - if it's abusive you should leave).
It's much easier for an adult to deal with their parents divorce that for a child to have to deal with.

This is why you should be responsible and not get into a relationship you not able to commit to if you are going to have children.
That is all.
   
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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 22nd 2010, 04:57 AM

Btw - as a responsible parent you shouldn't be fighting if front of you kids anyway.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 22nd 2010, 07:18 AM

I think that parents who have a child but are not happy being together should end their romantic relationship and focus purely on making their child's life better.
I think that if you're unhappy with your partner you should be able to make a choice to be with them or to not be with them. It will do more damage to a child to have unhappy parents (which will more often than not result in an unhealthy relationship) than happy parents that are not together.

I wouldn't ever keep my boyfriend around just because we have a child together. I would want him there for support and to help raise our child, but I wouldn't make him "stay with me." I'd rather there be true love.


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Re: Parents staying together for "the sake of the kids?" - September 22nd 2010, 09:58 AM

When I was younger I wished they would divorce. Now that I am older and out I know they should have divorced.

I went through 18 years of horrible arguments, violence in between both of them, attempted suicide by one of them, things being broken, kids being hit due, getting stabbed, car being taken out and crashed, etc because they didn't divorce.

The negetivity in my house was insane and scary. I had to sleep with a switchblade next to my bed because when they get angry, they usually took it out on the kids.
   
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