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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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how to disipline kids - December 19th 2010, 10:18 PM

We have a thread on kids today so what do you think is the best way to displine our kids?
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 19th 2010, 10:23 PM

I am very much against spanking.

At work we use something called Conflict Resolution, I'll be back with the detailed steps later. I think talking to kids, so they understand what they did wrong is best.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 19th 2010, 10:53 PM

I think you need different methods for different kids. You could stick me in a corner when I was little and I didn't care. I would sit there and tell stories to myself. Spank me and I would cry and cry and learn. If you spanked my brothers, they just look at you like, " That's all you got?" but stick them in the corner and they cry and learn a lesson.
Personally, I wouldn't spank my children. I don't believe in having TVs with young children in the house, so I won't be grounding them. I think that once my children are older, I will see how they are and how I should handle them.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 19th 2010, 11:16 PM

My parents always took TV away. I think it just depends on the child. Some children require a light slap every so often, or at least the threat of it (my grandmother and aunt had the "Goosie Stick" which was a wooden spoon used to spank however they never really used it). Some kids you can just send to their room for a while and once they cry it out they are better. I think you should always explain to your kids why they are getting punished.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 19th 2010, 11:32 PM

I would never ever raise a hand to my child :/ I don't see how it could work :/ You're just showing them that violence is the answer to problems and to be scared of you. I'm all for time-out and ignoring them when they're behaving badly. I'd also reward them for good behaviour. A lot of parents seem to only react to bad behaviour and not good behaviour imo.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 01:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elizabeth View Post
I think you need different methods for different kids. You could stick me in a corner when I was little and I didn't care. I would sit there and tell stories to myself. Spank me and I would cry and cry and learn. If you spanked my brothers, they just look at you like, " That's all you got?" but stick them in the corner and they cry and learn a lesson.
Personally, I wouldn't spank my children. I don't believe in having TVs with young children in the house, so I won't be grounding them. I think that once my children are older, I will see how they are and how I should handle them.
I'm a fission reaction when cornered, something almost beyond my control (I try but nah). It just doesn't work with some.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 02:19 AM

I don't think there's one answer as it varies not only with the child and the parent's views but also what the child did. If my kid told the principal to eat shit and the kid was under 10 years old, I'd talk to him and depending on the outcome, send him to his room to be grounded for 2 days. However, if my kid broke another kid's leg at school in a fight he started, I'm not going to give him a 5 minute talk on why that was bad and send him to the room to be grounded for 2 days. At the same time, violence isn't something I'd wish to use as a punishment very often.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 03:53 AM

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Originally Posted by Avada Kedavra View Post
I would never ever raise a hand to my child :/ I don't see how it could work :/ You're just showing them that violence is the answer to problems and to be scared of you. I'm all for time-out and ignoring them when they're behaving badly. I'd also reward them for good behaviour. A lot of parents seem to only react to bad behaviour and not good behaviour imo.
I respect you opinion however when it comes to spanking young kids, and I'm talking a tap on the hand or butt, it's not about violence. It's about associating the bad/dangerous behavior with pain because they are too young to fully understand why it's bad/dangerous. You should also take the time to explain it but a two year old isn't going to understand why they shouldn't run out into the street. However if every time they try to do it they get a little smack then they learn that if they do it it will cause them pain and deter them from it. Then eventually when they get older they will be able to understand the reason and will know why they shouldn't do it.

I do agree that parents should also reward good behavior to reinforce it.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 03:56 AM

It depends on the child. I honestly can't say there is a best way for every child. Whatever method of punishment is used, it has to be consistent though.
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 04:04 AM

I think beating your child's ass (literally) is wrong and abusive. However, I don't see what's so wrong about a quick, light swat, as long as it's appropriate for the situation and the kid obviously knows what they did wrong. Like one of the above posters said, there aren't really many effective ways to punish a small child who's too young to understand if you take away their toys or put them in time out. However, I've noticed that taking things away when they're older is very effective. All my mom had to do to get me to behave was threaten to take away my barbies for the rest of the day. Now she threatens to take my computer monitor. I'd say it definitely works.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 06:39 AM

I think punishment should depend on the child, "offense" committed, if it is a repeated offense, and so on. I am not at all against spanking, but it shouldn't be a "one punishment fits all" approach to punishment. My parents used it sparingly, and it was effective. It doesn't "teach that violence is the solution" as some like to say. In fact, my parents for the most part used spanking in situations where I or my siblings put ourselves in danger of bodily harm. As I said before, the punishment fit the offense. As a parent, though, it is important to never punish your child when YOU are angry. Anything that causes physical evidence of contact besides maybe a little fleeting redness is going too far IMO.

Also, as I mentioned before the punishment should fit the child. Being grounded from the computer was always more effective for me, and grounding from the phone was more effective for my sister. Added chores also were especially effective in disciplining me. Some children simply do not respond to or learn from certain punishments, and as a parent you need to be ready to adapt.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 07:22 AM

It depends what the child has done to be honest, if they've done something terribly wrong than I probably will give them a single slap to the arse, for most things I'd tell them off whilst they're young and when they're a bit older I'd take away privileges.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 07:25 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisplacedDreamer View Post
It depends on the child. I honestly can't say there is a best way for every child. Whatever method of punishment is used, it has to be consistent though.
Exactly!


My little brother was a nightmare to raise. Sometimes a little spanking was even enough for get him to cooperate. There were times where he got stripped of everything in his room, and he got restricted to there.

But when it came to me, giving me a stern warning was enough.

Depends on the kid.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 09:11 PM

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It depends on the child. I honestly can't say there is a best way for every child. Whatever method of punishment is used, it has to be consistent though.
amen and it always should not vary from person to person. Example, parents should treat the child the same as the other that way they will always know the rules.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 09:32 PM

Reward for good behavior. Pavlov dog it, that's what my parents did for me.

I wouldn't raise my hand - just think that would give the kid more behavior problems.

If it was stealing money, taking drugs, etc. I'd see if there were any convicts who felt bad about what they did to show what could happen. Note - I'd make sure it was more of a learning environment than a "scared-straight" thing. I almost hit rock bottom with drugs and alcohol once and only hitting rock bottom told me things had to change - thus to me taking a step before it happens would be the better alternative if talking it out didn't work.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 09:47 PM

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Reward for good behavior. Pavlov dog it, that's what my parents did for me.
I think that can work for some kids, but on the other hand, I think there needs to be a balance. I know that for a long period of my childhood, my parents barely had to punish me at all because of this kind of reward system. It eventually caused me to become an obsessive perfectionist. I felt like I had to earn their love and pride by being the best, and I'm still struggling to let go of that problem and accept that my life can't revolve around making everyone proud of me. I'm not saying this applies to all children, which kind of takes us back to the "it depends on the kid" thing. I think it's extremely important that children are rewarded for good behaviour: otherwise, you're basically killing their self-esteem and making them feel like they can't do anything right. But like I said, I think there needs to be a good balance between punishment and rewards. Good thought, though. It seems a lot of people forget that discipline isn't all about punishment.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 09:53 PM

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I think that can work for some kids, but on the other hand, I think there needs to be a balance. I know that for a long period of my childhood, my parents barely had to punish me at all because of this kind of reward system. It eventually caused me to become an obsessive perfectionist. I felt like I had to earn their love and pride by being the best, and I'm still struggling to let go of that problem and accept that my life can't revolve around making everyone proud of me. I'm not saying this applies to all children, which kind of takes us back to the "it depends on the kid" thing. I think it's extremely important that children are rewarded for good behaviour: otherwise, you're basically killing their self-esteem and making them feel like they can't do anything right. But like I said, I think there needs to be a good balance between punishment and rewards. Good thought, though. It seems a lot of people forget that discipline isn't all about punishment.
Depends on what one means by discipline. Sending a kid to their room? Grounding them? Taking away car keys? Never said I was against that - what I said was raising my hand against them and I'd never support that. Not saying you were implying hitting kids - just furthering my post in that I didn't say no to discipline, I said no to abuse.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 09:59 PM

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Depends on what one means by discipline. Sending a kid to their room? Grounding them? Taking away car keys? Never said I was against that - what I said was raising my hand against them and I'd never support that. Not saying you were implying hitting kids - just furthering my post in that I didn't say no to discipline, I said no to abuse.
Oh, okay, I get what you're saying now. That makes more sense.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 20th 2010, 10:15 PM

my view has been posted before and its usually against the grain but i also have discussed it with my grandfather how he disciplined my mother and uncles since then..

i think id do a reward/punishment system good behavior for a week you get an allowance or maybe points towards an item you want and when you reach a certain amount you can have that item (nothing huge) but bad behavior depending on what it was will vary, between standing in a corner on your tiptoes with your finger as high as you can reach or a spanking..
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 21st 2010, 03:36 AM

It really depends on the child, and what works best with the child. I'm all for talking it out though, as I think, in the long run, that it is most effective.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 21st 2010, 08:21 PM

Treat them like adults.
If they are over 8-9 they have the ability to reason and make negotiations.
If they refuse to negotiate/listen to reason - send them to jail (I.E. Timeout).


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 21st 2010, 08:35 PM

This was the topic of another pretty recent thread, so I'll just quote my answer from that one:

Quote:
You need to tell your child what they did wrong and why, first of all. My son is one year old, doesn't completely understand what I'm saying yet and I still tell him what he is doing wrong and why. You can't just say "Bad!", give him a whack on that butt and leave it at that.

When my son is older I can't really see myself hitting him. I'll enforce timeouts, taking away toys, banning certain activities, and when he is older... grounding. I think that gets the point across pretty well. If he disobeys me, I have the authority to take away something he likes until the point gets across. From what I remember, when I was a kid/teen I really liked having things lol. When I didn't have things I was miserable and would do whatever to get my things back.

Of course this is pretty general and is subject to change depending on the severity of what happened and new ideas for forms of discipline

Right now the house is baby proofed and he doesn't get in to much trouble. But he loves to throw tantrums when he sees something he wants or I have to take away something he can't have. If he chooses to throw a tantrum I tell him "I'm sorry you are upset/angry/frustrasted, but that is dangerous for babies." I try to distract him, and if that doesn't work I walk away and let him throw his tantrum. When he is calm (which happens pretty quick because his tantrums are only for attention) we go back and play together.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 21st 2010, 08:56 PM

I don't see how people can equate spanking a child to violence. Just because I wouldn't mind "raising a hand" to my child, doesn't mean I'm some sadistic bastard who will beat my child until satisfied. I also wouldn't beat a child the same way I would beat an adult. I have the ability to restrain myself, nor would I have the audacity to inflict temporary pain on my child without having a good reason too. I would spank a child through use of negative reinforcement. If my child does something that I don't agree with and needs to be taught a lesson, then I will inflict temporary pain to teach them that what they're doing causes pain to happen. That doesn't mean I would automatically start beating my child if he/she did something wrong. No, I'd tell them what they did wrong and possibly why it's wrong, but if they did it again...they brought that on themselves. I'm the parent, and therefore it's important to establish dominance. My dad didn't establish dominance -- he rarely spanked me as a child and now, being 20 years old, I look at him as more of a friend rather than an authoritative figure. He tries to be authoritative, but it doesn't work because I don't like being dominated. It's something that I'm not used to because I wasn't taught submission as a child. The only person who had ANY dominance over me was my mother...and she spanked me plenty of times, grounded me, put me in time out, etc. In my family, spanking has worked so I see no incentive to change anything. Doesn't make my family immoral or abusive, it just means that we have a different way of teaching our kids right from wrong. It's totally an opinion thing.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 21st 2010, 08:59 PM

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Treat them like adults.
If they are over 8-9 they have the ability to reason and make negotiations.
If they refuse to negotiate/listen to reason - send them to jail (I.E. Timeout).
for a minute there I thought you seriously meant jail.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 01:52 AM

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I don't see how people can equate spanking a child to violence. Just because I wouldn't mind "raising a hand" to my child, doesn't mean I'm some sadistic bastard who will beat my child until satisfied. I also wouldn't beat a child the same way I would beat an adult. I have the ability to restrain myself, nor would I have the audacity to inflict temporary pain on my child without having a good reason too. I would spank a child through use of negative reinforcement. If my child does something that I don't agree with and needs to be taught a lesson, then I will inflict temporary pain to teach them that what they're doing causes pain to happen. That doesn't mean I would automatically start beating my child if he/she did something wrong. No, I'd tell them what they did wrong and possibly why it's wrong, but if they did it again...they brought that on themselves. I'm the parent, and therefore it's important to establish dominance. My dad didn't establish dominance -- he rarely spanked me as a child and now, being 20 years old, I look at him as more of a friend rather than an authoritative figure. He tries to be authoritative, but it doesn't work because I don't like being dominated. It's something that I'm not used to because I wasn't taught submission as a child. The only person who had ANY dominance over me was my mother...and she spanked me plenty of times, grounded me, put me in time out, etc. In my family, spanking has worked so I see no incentive to change anything. Doesn't make my family immoral or abusive, it just means that we have a different way of teaching our kids right from wrong. It's totally an opinion thing.
Even though I stated I could never see myself hitting my child, I agree that spanking in no way equals abuse. There are situations with my son where a smack on his hand would serve a lot more purpose than getting extremely frustrated and yelling at him just for him to continue doing whatever he's doing wrong. If he's not listening to what you say, like you said, dominance needs to be established somehow. I've done alright so far, but I can see why parents resort to spankings for sure.

If you are going to spank though, remember you gotta make it sting just a little bit. I have attempted one spanking with my son just out of sheer frustration and as a last resort to get him to stop what he was doing. I guess I didn't spank hard enough because he laughed at me. Then proceeded to start hitting his own butt and laughing some more Ok, let the personal attacks begin.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:00 AM

Spanking is not used as a way to redirect bad behavior - kids get spanked because parents get pissed off. It's just a way for adults to mangage their own frustration.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:02 AM

Spanking is still legal here in the states so long as you don't use excessive force (I.E. breaking skin or leaving welts)


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:11 AM

Shouldn't be.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:22 AM

Spanking is not bad unless it is excessive. That is the way me and my sister were disaplined. We were not scared or frightened. We came out okay. We understood that it was a form of punishment when we misbehaved. And we learned to not do things from getting spanked. It is not a form of abuse and should not be looked upon as that. I myself don't think that sitting a kid in the corner will do anything. I think the child would sill act up. But again, the way I was taught not to do things was by getting a light swat on the butt. And I did learn.


   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 04:25 AM

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Originally Posted by Spider*man(girl) View Post
Spanking is not used as a way to redirect bad behavior - kids get spanked because parents get pissed off. It's just a way for adults to mangage their own frustration.
Wow well that's just a blatant statement of falsehood. I mean my parents have been PLENTY pissed at me and they never hit me, in fact what my dad does is way scarier. He has this look, this absolutely terrifying look that literally makes the blood leave my face. That's all it takes.

You have to understand that a 2 year old is not going to listen/respond to logic. When I was 2 I ran away from my mother in a mall in California. Watched her screaming for me from the shoe aisle. After I was lucky enough to be returned to her my parents got me a leash. I was explained why I had the leash, that I had run away and that was bad and dangerous, but I had a bright yellow leash. If I had a 2 year old and they tried to touch a hot stove I would grab there hand and say don't touch that it's too hot, if they tried again I would smack their hand and say the same thing. That's not taking out frustration that's protecting my child.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 07:52 AM

i think it's sad that parents resort to hitting their kids to 'discipline' them. scaring your kid into listening to you is wrong, in my opinion. i would be absolutely heartbroken if i ever thought that my child was scared of me. there are SO many other ways to discipline kids. talking to them, time out, taking away privileges, (internet, phone, etc if they're older), grounding, etc.

my parents never raised a hand to me and i've never had any problems with discipline. kids aren't stupid. from a young age they can understand right from wrong if it's explained to them. as long as rules are reinforced and they know the boundaries i don't think it's necessary to resort to smacking.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 08:07 AM

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Originally Posted by losing touch. View Post
i think it's sad that parents resort to hitting their kids to 'discipline' them. scaring your kid into listening to you is wrong, in my opinion. i would be absolutely heartbroken if i ever thought that my child was scared of me. there are SO many other ways to discipline kids. talking to them, time out, taking away privileges, (internet, phone, etc if they're older), grounding, etc.

my parents never raised a hand to me and i've never had any problems with discipline. kids aren't stupid. from a young age they can understand right from wrong if it's explained to them. as long as rules are reinforced and they know the boundaries i don't think it's necessary to resort to smacking.
Spanking the child isn't the same thing as scaring a child. If you spank a child, then they're not going to go crawl into a corner, hold their legs, and suddenly start screaming when you come near them. I know countless children, including myself at a younger age, who have been spanked by parents and yet are still capable of sleeping with them, being held by them, and being loved by them. Spanking can make a child scared of you, but we're not talking about excessive spanking that's done for no reason except to be abusive, we're talking about reasonable spanking that is done through negative reinforcement.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:11 PM

Everyone's probably going to hate me for this, but a number of years ago I was at a friends house, and we were playing donkey kong 64 (when it just came out - so awhile ago!) His little sister always screwed with us when we were playing video games, well... this one time we were about to beat a boss and she turned off the game system on us, thinking it was hilarious!
We got the rope and tied her to a support column in the basement, turned the light off and left her screaming down there for half an hour.

She never turned off a game system again - TO THIS VERY DAY!

Oh yes - the parents were not home.


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smitten View Post
Everyone's probably going to hate me for this, but a number of years ago I was at a friends house, and we were playing donkey kong 64 (when it just came out - so awhile ago!) His little sister always screwed with us when we were playing video games, well... this one time we were about to beat a boss and she turned off the game system on us, thinking it was hilarious!
We got the rope and tied her to a support column in the basement, turned the light off and left her screaming down there for half an hour.

She never turned off a game system again - TO THIS VERY DAY!

Oh yes - the parents were not home.
i like this idea
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:45 PM

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Originally Posted by The ANTI-Troll View Post
i like this idea
it was so horrible of us to do, but we only had to do it once, and I mean - enough was enough!


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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 03:59 PM

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Originally Posted by Smitten View Post

it was so horrible of us to do, but we only had to do it once, and I mean - enough was enough!
meh my sister used to put me in a trunk and set on it for a couple minutes if i got on her nerves :P
   
  (#37 (permalink)) Old
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 05:45 PM

I agree with the others who have said it depend on the child/parent and what the child did. For some children, the thought of getting 'spanked' is scary enough, but really, its just a short sharp shock, whereas removing their favourite toy for 3 days is a long and drawn out process, and they won't want to be naughty because they lose out for 3 days, rather than just getting a smack which may not even hurt for a minute
Also it depends on how strong the parent is, because for example, my half brother will have sworn or been disgusting and he will get a warning "one more time and no burger king" he will do it two or three more times, each time recieving a "one more time and no burger king." More often than not, he will get burger king. But sometimes he will be told "Right NO burger king" He will scream the place down, so what do his parents say "If you sit quietly you get burger king" An hour later, we go out for lunch and what does he get...burger king? YEP
I think that punishment is effective...because they miss out on something they really wanted! But parents have to stick to it! And they have to be strong enough to stick to it, but try not to make it too unfair especially for younger children, for example, say the child kicked their sibling, and was told "you are not having ice cream for a week" There isn't really anything wrong with this.

If children object to doing everyday things, for example they wont eat their tea, they won't go to bed when told, they refuse to go to school etc...then the punishment really needs to be something to encourage them to eat, sleep or go to school. For example if they won't go to bed, tell them they cannot go outside until they have had 10 hours of sleep (for example - or however long that child needs, may be 12 hours) so if they won't go to bed untill 11pm, then they cannot get up in the morning until 9, and if they do, they aren't allowed outside until they have had the full 10 hours in their bed. If they won't eat...dont feed them Offer them food, leave it there for as long as you want! They will eventually eat...if they dont eat for a whole day then well you'd have a problem and thats different, but most kids will eat! This is assuming they are just being fussy.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 05:52 PM

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Originally Posted by thebigmole View Post
If I had a 2 year old and they tried to touch a hot stove I would grab there hand and say don't touch that it's too hot, if they tried again I would smack their hand and say the same thing. That's not taking out frustration that's protecting my child.
Let them touch it, they wouldn't do it again. It's a valuable learning experience. Same goes with knives, let them use them, they'll only cut themselves a few times.
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 05:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3.14159265358979323846264 View Post

Let them touch it, they wouldn't do it again. It's a valuable learning experience. Same goes with knives, let them use them, they'll only cut themselves a few times.
i like this logic...

i try to use it when my sister drops her kid off and we have to turn off any electric heaters we have "cause he might touch it" if he touches it once he wont again
   
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Re: how to disipline kids - December 22nd 2010, 10:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smitten View Post
Everyone's probably going to hate me for this, but a number of years ago I was at a friends house, and we were playing donkey kong 64 (when it just came out - so awhile ago!) His little sister always screwed with us when we were playing video games, well... this one time we were about to beat a boss and she turned off the game system on us, thinking it was hilarious!
We got the rope and tied her to a support column in the basement, turned the light off and left her screaming down there for half an hour.

She never turned off a game system again - TO THIS VERY DAY!

Oh yes - the parents were not home.
So what's your point?


To you, everything's funny. - -
I'd give all I have, honey. - If you could stay like that.
Stay this little. - - I won't let nobody hurt you.
Just try to never grow up. - - Never grow up.
   
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