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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TigerTank77 Offline
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Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 17th 2011, 08:17 PM

This article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-yvo..._b_951758.html

A French legal matter where a woman wanted to divorce her husband because he wasn't "putting out" anymore, and won 8,500 pounds as a result.

So, here's my question.

Do you believe that a partner no longer opting for sex is ok grounds for a divorce? Why or why not?


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 17th 2011, 08:52 PM

Yes. If one person in the relationship is not willing to accommodate the needs of the other, then the issue is no longer sex, it's something much more serious.
   
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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 17th 2011, 09:01 PM

Now that's a tough one...

I suppose if we were talking about a complete withdrawal of any kind of physical or emotiona intimacy - being left out in the cold, so to speak - then I would say yes, that can be a ground for divorce. However, I'm not so sure about sex itself, and the more I think about it the less convinced I become. Firstly, sex drive naturally decreases over time as a result of declining hormone levels - the peak is in the 20s if I remember correctly, and it starts to go down from the 30s onwards - so you may genuinely have cases where people have little or no sex drive as opposed to wilfully holding back from their partner. Secondly, it raises all kinds of questions about violation of consent - having sex isn't in the marriage vows or register, after all, and forcing someone to have sex regardless could be a violation of their individual liberty. Finally, as the article points out, it could be twisted into a presumption that sex is a given in marriage, which leads to all kinds of problems when you come to cases of marital rape and sexual assault. So, much as I can sympathise with the complainant in the article, and agree with Matthew's suggestion that it may point to more fundamental problems with the marriage itself, I would be very reluctant to move sex into the realms of obligation because the potential consequences could be so severe.


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 17th 2011, 09:15 PM

I don't get it... it's not about sex here at all. If they want different things on such a fundamental level, then they shouldn't be together anymore.


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 17th 2011, 09:20 PM

Well... I don't think it should be considered a crime to not have sex with your partner. Saying that would being leaning towards saying that rape and sexual assault are okay because your partner should be having sex with you; at the very least, it would give partners a way to emotionally blackmail their partners into having sex by saying "I'll report you for not having sex with me". People have the right to choose whether they want to have sex and I think it would be very wrong to take that right away.

But in terms of being grounds for divorce, I would agree with that. I mean... there would have to be some sort of guideline because divorcing someone for not having sex with you every day would be unreasonable and divorcing a partner for not being able to have sex (eg. Due to surgery) would be unreasonable, but sex should definitely be a part of marriage.



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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 03:18 AM

No, why? because you vow to "Through the good times and the bad."
Yes it's horrible to have a sexless marriage but sex is not the only good thing about a marriage.


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 06:43 AM

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No, why? because you vow to "Through the good times and the bad."
Yes it's horrible to have a sexless marriage but sex is not the only good thing about a marriage.
I think the point is that if you deny sex to your partner, you're the one causing the bad times. That's not a good idea.
   
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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 01:40 PM

I say, no. I don't think sex is an obligation in marriage- that's why we have a little thing called marital rape.

No one should "have" to have sex with someone. When someone forces you to have sex, it's non-consensual and it's rape.
   
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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 04:01 PM

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I say, no. I don't think sex is an obligation in marriage- that's why we have a little thing called marital rape.

No one should "have" to have sex with someone. When someone forces you to have sex, it's non-consensual and it's rape.
I don't think anyone is saying you should be able to rape your partner.

But what your saying is, if two people get married, and one suddenly decides that "sex is over forever", the other person HAS to deal with it?

I honestly think thats a perfectly fine reason for a divorce. People need to stop pretending sex isn't an important part of a relationship.


Often I lie wide awake, thinking of things I could make.
But I don’t seem to have the parts to build them.
I am so scared of what will kill me in the end, for I am not prepared.
I hope I will get the chance to be someone, to be human.





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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 05:14 PM

I think it can be reasonable grounds for divorce. I mean sex is an important part of a relationship. And honestly if one partner isn't willing to have sex for a LONG time, I'm talking years, they shouldn't be surprised if the other starts looking for it somewhere else. I know a couple where the wife didn't put out for 20 years and he left her for a younger woman, who had divorced her first husband who was much older because they weren't able to have a sex life. And now they are very happy together.


Now in some situations where there's kids involved I think it's not the best reason for a divorce. I read Kathy Griffin's book and her family is Irish Catholic so they didn't believe in birth control. But her grandmother didn't want a lot of kids so after like 3 kids she told her husband that she didn't want anymore kids, and he said well we aren't using birth control, so she said fine then no more sex, and he left her. And because divorce also wasn't looked highly on she told the people in her church that he died.


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 05:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TigerTank77 View Post
I don't think anyone is saying you should be able to rape your partner.

But what your saying is, if two people get married, and one suddenly decides that "sex is over forever", the other person HAS to deal with it?

I honestly think thats a perfectly fine reason for a divorce. People need to stop pretending sex isn't an important part of a relationship.
It is certainly important, but any relationship which stands or falls on the availability of the other person for sex is on pretty thin ice as it is. As I said in my first post, sex drives decline naturally with age, and there are plenty of ways to be intimate with a partner without needing sex provided both have the right mindset about it. Much as many couples may continue to have active sex lives for the remainder of their lives, many others don't. It doesn't mean one group is right and the other is wrong, and in some respects it raises the question of whether sex is being used as a convenient excuse for some to justify infidelity. That may sound a bit harsh, I admit, but on the other hand it's not that hard to keep your fly zipped if you really want to...


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If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
   
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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 18th 2011, 06:09 PM

Quote:
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I think the point is that if you deny sex to your partner, you're the one causing the bad times. That's not a good idea.
If that's the case then yes. If you deny your partner sex then there is something else that's wrong many marriages actually divorce because of that.


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Re: Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? - October 19th 2011, 03:13 AM

No, you don't owe your partner sex. But you also don't owe your partner your continuing devotion if being with them is no longer making you happy.


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