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juice242 Offline
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Age: 28

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Helping someone while in two different phases of existence - September 21st 2012, 12:39 AM

I had no idea where to put this, so I hope this is the right place!

I have been dating this guy for about 4 months and they have been the most transforming 4 months of my life. He has opened my mind to a different way of living and made me see that the way I had been living before, with no convictions, no passions, no views on the world that were wholly my own was detrimental to me and my existence as a person. He helped set me on a course to self-actualization. And I though things were perfect, until today.

Today while he was at work, he messaged me about how we need to have a discussion about making some changes in our relationship. This is what he said exactly
"i'm not interested in rushing self discovery
I very much aware that these things come in time, and that is not a problem for me
however, while i recognize these issues, feelings that I have a result are not things i am in full control of. I'm simple interested in communicating the feelings that I am having a result of this process

and then figuring out what we want to do about them
if anything
but it's better if i just tell you that stuff, and then we go forward with a full understadning
of what our expectations and needs are
as the purpose of a relationship, I have come define as two people who help each other be who they want to be
and if needs aren't be meet it leads to one of the persons not feeling like they are being pushed to be who they want to be, and stagnation and other bad stuff happens"

Through more messaging we both established that we're in different phases of our existence; I'm on a path towards self discovery while he's on a path towards self-development. I've realized that I've been using him as a crutch through this process which has been a huge, mental, emotional and even physical drain and I never realized how draining it was for him to. I never knew he didn't feel as if his developmental needs weren't being met.

He thinks that while our relationship is pretty one-sided now, the best course of action to get it balanced is for me to accomplish my discovery process before I attempt to help in. However, I feel that I have no idea how long I will be in this phase and I want to begin making this a more balanced relationship now.

So my real question is, do you guys have any advice, or even think its possible, for me to 1) Help him through his self development process even though he's a "step" ahead of me. and 2) Ways that I can include him in the process I'm going through without being a burden.

One of the main things that troubled me during our conversation was that he said that he never wanted to date a girl who he had to be her life guru and he's essentially my life guru now.

Also, I don't really have anyone in my peer group besides him to talk to these things about. We're both 20 so we're having deep existential conversations while almost everyone else we know is talking about how wasted they;re gonna get this weekend or just trying to get through college.

He also told me that his spiritual maturity has been a source of trouble in past relationships and also to him relating to his peers.

And one more thing,

since this conversation I've begun to harbor a bit of resentment towards him. Before he came along I was happy in my little bubble of ignorance. I enjoyed my friends, i enjoyed the frivolous superficial things I did, and I felt no particular need for the self introspection that he sold to me.
I feel like he opened this can or worms and he should help me fix it, which is a very selfish thought.

I'm just really worried that he'll abandon me while I'm in all this turmoil that he set in motion because of the turmoil he set in motion.

I hope someone can help, I know this isn't a typical question but I didn't know where else to go.
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Melwirth Offline
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Name: Melissa
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Re: Helping someone while in two different phases of existence - September 21st 2012, 07:23 AM

Do you plan on moving into self development? I think thats an important question to ask yourself. Will you learn about things together? I personally dont think it's a bad thing that you are at two different spots when it comes to this. as long as you arent bringing eachother down....and just a thought that I had is that if he is helping you in your process couldnt that also be a part of his self-development? just a thought.
I hope I helped a little.
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