Hi everyone, this is my first entry in TH hope everyone who reads this is doing good.
I'm just thinking that I might not really get many responses back, but yeah, I just need to vent on this, I might feel better after posting this. (And also, is this the wrong forum section? I was thinking whether I should post this to Religion, Sprituality etc., but yeah)
So, first things first, I'm 21, grammar school student (yeah.. my country's educational system differs quite a lot from that of the States), and since the age of 16, I've been 100% convinced of God's existence, of Monotheism and yeah. I'm a zealous reader of the Scriptures, I fast from time to time, you get the picture. So, everything's going well actually, except for... one little thing.
These days, I'm... I'm quite insecure of whether God really loves me.
Don't get me wrong - I know how ungrateful this sounds, considering all the wars and injustice and natural disasters on earth, but... I can't help myself. I've been praying so much all these weeks.. and it's like... I don't know.
Some might get the wrong impression and think that this makes me believe less in God's existence, which is not the case. I still believe strongly in Him, but it's just....
I have so many exams going on at the moment, and it's like, becoming too much. I only have a few days left before finals, and there's no way on earth I can stuff all the matter into my mind in this short time. There just isn't. And.. I really don't get it. Why is God doing this to me? He *knows* best how many struggles I had to go through in school, how I kept on asking Him for help to get through it, it's just...
If I fail my finals, my school's gonna kick me out, and I'll be left with no diploma. grammar school is like, high school + college combined, so this means that I've been struggling all these years to finally get a degree - since I obviously have no secondary school leaving certificate - and now.. I'm just left with nothing??
Why did God let me go to this school, even? It's a private school and heck, it costs my mum so much, she's bearing it all with a smile and always brushes it off, saying, "Really, dear, it's not that much, it's worth it if you can finally get your grammar school diploma", and.... what am I supposed to do with no graduation??? I can't go to university, I can't get any good jobs in the world of work, I mean.........................??????
Why is God doing this to me?????????????????????????
I'm not saying I'm an exemplary believer (unfortunately), but I'm not a bad person either. In fact, I do think I'm quite a good person. Things that are listed as "major sins" - I've avoided them all - heck, I don't even drink alcohol o.o''
LOL this post is so gonna give off the impression of myself as a bigot......
I just don't get it, actually. There are people I know who I'd HARDLY call "good", and they have EVERYTHING. I'll be the one left with nothing at all. I'm effing 21, I haven't ever had a job, I'll flunk out of school surely, and I've kept on praying praying praying and waiting for God to answer me...
To give me a sign, to enlighten me, anything!
What on earth am I doing wrong? Doesn't God promise that everyone who believes in Him and asks for something, will get it? I mean... I'm usually the kind of person who really doesn't ask for much. Usually, I'm the kind of, "Lord, please help the poor in this world, I don't want anything for myself", kind of girl, but this....... I mean, this one's actually about my existence, right??????
I've been thinking about this, and honestly... even if I have no clue WHY God would think like this about me - this just leaves me with one conclusion: He doesn't love me. I must have done something so utterly and terribly wrong and I don't realize it. The thing is, I keep asking myself what it actually was and I just don't get it. There is no magic moment where I'm like, "Ahhhh, that was it!". I'm not trying to praise myself here - I've done my share of errors and mistakes in my life - but I've never done something so utterly wicked, in my opinion, that would make me deserve such a retribution......
Can anyone help me? I've been trying to talk to God, I've shed way too many tears on this problem, I think I've run out of tears to cry.
What can I do to make the Lord love me again?
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Re: I need a backup plan -
June 16th 2011, 11:07 PM
I'll start of just saying I'm not really much of a believer in God. Just so you know and weigh my advice with that in mind. I'll try to be as helpful as I can.
God gave people free will. He does not interfere with people's daily lives. It's not his job. He gave us, and you the power over ourselves, so use it to the best. I'd even go as far to say you'd be disappointing him by not doing so. Not meaning to sound like it's unreasonable you praying, but have you perhaps considered praying less and spending more time trying to achieve what you need/want to in life? Try to spend less time worrying about praying and whether or not God loves you, and more on your ambitions. Just try to take your mind off it, because anxiety over anything will almost always seriously affect your concentration, output, and ability to deliver to yourself and others. Perhaps in this situation it's your anxiety that's partially causing a lot of these problems, if not then most of them.
Just remember, you're in control. God isn't punishing you. From what I know, if there is a God, if he wanted to punish you for anything he'd save it until the day you pass away. Hopefully that day's far off still.
And P.S. If God did make a promise to deliver anything to anyone who believes in him and prays, there'd be chaos lol. You should watch Bruce Almighty. That movie simulates such a scenario very well.
Re: I need a backup plan -
June 17th 2011, 12:29 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. You don't need to worry about winning back God's love. He loves you already, and He has right from the beginning. It may seem as if you're all alone right now but remember that He's always there for you. Even when things are getting rough and bumpy, take comfort in knowing that He is there for you. He loves all his children, why would you be the only exception?
Finals are something you have to push through. This sounds like a really big exam and I can see why you'd feel so pressured to do well! Try to focus on studying for your exams and doing your best since that is what is important right now.
"Years ago, I knew a boy who made all the wrong choices."
Re: I need a backup plan -
June 17th 2011, 06:48 AM
I would say that the single best advice you could hear is: get up off your knees and solve your own problems, don't wait around for them to be solved by a god that may or may not exist. Religious dilemmas have been around for thousands of years; they'll wait for you to finish your diploma. Finals are both stressful and important, and if you waste time and effort praying when you need to be studying then it won't be god's fault if you fail, it will be yours. Take responsibility for your own life first and foremost, and deal with religious and existential questions when you can afford to.
Or, if you like, consider it this way. If god doesn't exist, then regardless you're wasting time worrying about it. If god does exist, and loves you, then again you're wasting your time worrying about it. If god exists and hates you, do you really think it would be because of something so trivial that you can't even think what it would be? That sounds like high-school drama, not the thoughts of a divine being. God's love or hate for you, if it's going to be conditional on anything, is going to be conditional on your character, and that's something you're helpless to change in any event. If god really does hate you for who you are, then by all rights he's a prick and doesn't deserve devotion anyway.
Simply put: if you're going to believe in the existence of a loving divine being, then actually have faith in a loving divine being. If such a being does exist, it's not going to care that you said a bad word or kissed someone with the wrong number of x-chromosomes; to suggest otherwise is pure arrogance. If you believe in a loving god and at the same time worry about things that could only matter if that god has the emotional maturity of a twelve-year old, you're wasting your time. Have faith or don't, but either way it's up to you do make the best out of the life that you have.
The atoms that make up you and me were born in the hearts of suns many times greater than ours, and in time our atoms will once again reside amongst the stars. Life is but an idle dalliance of the cosmos, frail, and soon forgotten. We have been set adrift in an ocean whose tides we are only beginning to comprehend and with that maturity has come the realization that we are, at least for now, alone. In that loneliness, it falls to us to shine as brightly as the stars from which we came.