Pushing your beliefs on others?

[Koharuchan]

I have a close friend who is VERY devout Christian. All her free time is spent in church. She reads the bible constantly in her spare time and is trying to memorize it, and has succeeded so far. I love her to death, and I'm a Christian too, but I'm not as devout as she is. She keeps pushing things on me and I hate fighting with her.

My boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together in a few months. She's way against this, and tried to stop me, but she gave up...for a while. Now she's pushing on me not to have sex with him until we get married and not to sleep in the same bed when we move in together. I told her when we have sex is our decision, and it led to a big argument. I am a Christian, but I'm fine with sex before marriage. She started questioning whether or not I'm really a Christian, that I can say I am all I want but if I move in with him/start having sex with him I'm not a real believer. She's pushing it on me.

Is there any way I can stop her from doing this? I'm already super stressed right now and I don't need this from her. And please don't say stop being her friend, I've known her 7 years and we've been through a lot. She's very close to me, but her words hurt.

[Le bonheur*]

Hey

It sounds to me that she's just looking out for you. I wouldn't say stop being friends with her because she seems like a good person, she just pushes too hard. I'd suggest talking to her about it. I'm sure if you tell her that you don't want her to pressure you to do, or not to do, certain things she'll understand. Explain to her that you respect her opinions but you have your own views and opinions and you'd like to live your life the way you want. She should understand that it's your life and you want to make your own decisions. If not, then I guess you're going to have a lot of heated arguements but I don't see that being the case.

[Toz]

Tell her simply and bluntly that you don't appreciate what she does, and that after all you'd been through together, you'd expect her to be a bit more accepting.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by believe.in.hope

Hey

It sounds to me that she's just looking out for you. I wouldn't say stop being friends with her because she seems like a good person, she just pushes too hard. I'd suggest talking to her about it. I'm sure if you tell her that you don't want her to pressure you to do, or not to do, certain things she'll understand. Explain to her that you respect her opinions but you have your own views and opinions and you'd like to live your life the way you want. She should understand that it's your life and you want to make your own decisions. If not, then I guess you're going to have a lot of heated arguements but I don't see that being the case.

I've tried talking to her and telling her that this is my decision and these are my plans. Then she said "And is god a part of your plans?" I told her she can't stop me from moving in with him because it's what I want and it's my decision. I told her she's fought this battle with me in the past and I don't want to fight it again. I also told her it is my choice when to have sex with my boyfriend and she can't control that. What got me pissed was her saying that I'm just saying I'm a Christian when I'm not a real believer by doing all this.

[Toz]

You could point it back at her: as a Christian, it isn't her job to judge, it is God's. So she is assuming a role she has no business doing so.

[Of Mike and Men]

Why do you think premarital sex is okay?

[ReluctantPegasister]

I apologize for being harsh, as she is not my friend, but she sounds like she is being a bad friend to you.

You are doing what you think is right- you are taking responsibilities and trying to be a good person while keeping your faith but it seems like she's just trying to get you to change your mind.

Again, I'm sorry, but good friends, especially old good friends, love you and trust your decisions no matter what. And what she is doing isn't that. She's judging you and forcing you to doubt yourself- and I may be assuming to much here, but this part, "She keeps pushing things on me" leads me to believe this is not an uncommon experience with her. Maybe she isn't really your friend after all.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

Why do you think premarital sex is okay?

I believe that sex is the most intimate and special physical act of love toward the person you love. If two people really truly love each other, then I think it's up to them whether or not to take that love to the physical level.

I know how much I love my boyfriend, and how much he loves me. As I told my friend, I believe it is up to us when to take that step. Even if we aren't married yet when we do take that step, we take that step together because we feel ready and know that we love each other very much.

[Of Mike and Men]

What is your definition of love? I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand your position. Im not speaking as someone who is judging, because I've had premarital sex even after my conversion to Christianity, but under conviction, I am now married to her because of a biblical command.

[Of Mike and Men]

I will also add I do not believe marriage is considered marriage just because it is recognized by the state. As I believe sufficient evidence shows early Christians were anarchists.

[Koharuchan]

Different people have different opinions on what love is. Honestly, I'm not sure how to explain what I think love is, but I know how I feel.

I feel so safe in his arms. He's the only person who's ever accepted me completely for who I am, both the good and the bad. He's the only person capable of soothing my insecurities about myself. He always listens to me rant when I'm upset and always gives honest advice and helps me in any way he can. He's incredibly loyal and makes me feel so special and beautiful. He respects my opinions and beliefs and never ever tries to pressure me into anything. He's completely content and happy just to be with me, enjoying being at my side. He holds me when I cry and he trusts me with anything and everything. We're completely open with each other, no holding anything back.

I know I love him. And I know he loves me.

[Megan1]

We're all asking you a ton of questions now, but I have another one.

When you say that you are a Christian, what is your definition of Christian?

[Koharuchan]

Someone who follows the path of Jesus, believes in god, and wants to be with god in heaven.

[Of Mike and Men]

Be careful not to cast the first stone.

If he is everything you say, and you're in love with him as much as you say you are, then why not get married?

[Toz]

I'm not sure why people are complicating the issue. Whether or not you guys get married is your decision. You came here asking for advice on how to deal with a friend who you didn't want to lose, but was pushing her views on you.

I honestly think it's time you took a stand, OP. Tell your friend that you and your boyfriend have a great relationship, and that you are only doing what you think is best. Whether or not you are worried about God in the equation is your headache. Tell your friend that if they want to remain as major a part of your life as they are now, that they should understand and respect that. I'm not suggesting you cut them off completely, but make sure they feel the effects of worrying about the sanctity of your soul over your actual friendship.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

Be careful not to cast the first stone.

If he is everything you say, and you're in love with him as much as you say you are, then why not get married?

Because he's 19 and I'm 18. Not only are we a little young to get married, but with the economy in the state it is a wedding wouldn't be easy. Weddings are expensive and we couldn't afford one even if we wanted to right now. We do want it in the future, but not right now.

And I agree with Toz, I'm being asked a lot of questions about my faith instead of being given advice. Can we please stop that? All I want is advice.

[ReluctantPegasister]

Originally Posted by Koharuchan

And I agree with Toz, I'm being asked a lot of questions about my faith instead of being given advice. Can we please stop that? All I want is advice.

I would be curious to hear your opinion of my advice (see above).

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by ReluctantPegasister

I would be curious to hear your opinion of my advice (see above).

This might get a bit long, I apologize in advance.

It wasn't too harsh, but as for her not really being my friend I honestly don't even know anymore. She keeps saying she's trying to help me and that I'm going against god and she wants to protect me by making me see that. I get that she wants to help me, but I feel like her "help" is doing more hurt. I want to end this without losing her. She was there for me in a time when nobody else was. She wasn't always this devout, she started getting super super devout in 8th grade, so it's been almost 5 years now. But anyway, I understand where she's coming from and that these are her beliefs, but she's pushing it on me way too hard.

I'm trying to make her understand this. I've told her that I'm doing what I feel is right. I do believe in god, I am a Christian, but my morals just aren't as high as hers. For example, I'm a complete gay rights activist whereas she sees it as a horrible sin and it's evil. We've fought on that before too.

It's not just me she pushes it on. She knows I have lots of friends with many different religions, and she's tried in the past to convince me to try to convert them. I told her their beliefs are their right. I can't force them to believe in something, because I don't think it's right to force your faith on others. She says she doesn't like me being surrounded by "secular influences" because apparently they're affecting me and my faith and causing me to make all these wrong decisions. I'm tired of it. We're fighting more and more lately.

Even through all our fighting, I just want to remain her friend. I can't explain how much she means to me. My life used to be a living hell, and she was the only one who was there for me. I owe her so much, but now she's making me feel bad about wanting to be with the one I love. It's so stressful.

[Of Mike and Men]

18 and 19 isn't young to get married if you're sure you're in love. Age is just a number. People used to get married in their early teens to pre-teens. Weddings are expensive only if you make them expensive. My wife and I spent under 500$ for food, facility, dress, my clothes, and decorations... Heck, even the license. We were told by people who plan weddings for a living that our wedding was the nicest wedding they've ever been too. One.of them even said we inspired them. I'm not boasting, I'm just saying a lot what you're saying sounds like excuses.

If you're not ready to commit, realistically, and not even biblically, I don't know why youre having sex. The potential of a kid is more expensive than a wedding, and forces you int a bigger commitment.

I don't agree with your friend judging you, but by assessing what youve said, you sound like you're still in a lust stage of your relationship. I think you should heed your friends advoce. Besides even if you dont move in and quit having sex, your boyfriend will love you the same and being more respectful and mature about the situation. You then, in the process, are being wise and saving your friend in the process. I believe your friend loves you and cares for you and is just showing concern.

I'd listen to their advice.

Though, in my situation, I ended up getting married because Paul told us if we burn with passion that we need to marry. So, my advice is get married or listen to your friend until you're ready to marry.

Questions are asked to understand a vague description. Sorry. These are my opinions based on someone who has been where you are.

[Revolution]

You just need to tell her to back off. It's your life. I'm not a Christian, but in my opinion, if God exists, he's seen worse things. You're in a relationship, you're serious with him, you are of age to make your own decisions, and no so called "friend" (or random people on the internet, for that matter) can tell you if you are a good Christian or what to believe. As I've heard my much more realistic Christian friends say, it isn't up to them to judge, only God. Live your own life, and if your friend doesn't want to accept you for you, I think you'd be better off without her.

Oh, and reply, Of Mike and Men, 18 and 19 is too young for them to marry because it's their decision. As long as you're happy, whenever you got married is perfectly fine for you. I've been in a relationship for almost four years, I'm 19, I'm having sex, and we're not getting married anytime soon either. So really, it's not your place to judge. You're right about one thing, the cost of that wedding is cheaper than the cost of a baby. You know what else is cheaper? Condoms and birth control. So really, she is saving money. She's saving the money for a marriage when she is ready. Stick to the question, not judging her for her own choices.

[ReluctantPegasister]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

If you're not ready to commit, realistically, and not even biblically, I don't know why youre having sex. The potential of a kid is more expensive than a wedding, and forces you int a bigger commitment.

... Excuse me? Just because a couple has premarital sex does not mean they will get pregnant. A woman is only fertile maybe three days on average per month, and no one is stopping anyone from using birth control (of any kind, including but not limited to: condoms, birth control pill or an iud, or following the aforementioned fertility cycle to avoid getting pregnant, in addition with condoms or another method). And those are all cheaper then a baby or a wedding.

Remember before, when you said it sounding like OP was using excuses? Yeah, that sounds like what you're doing here. "Don't have premarital sex, you'll get pregnant and that'd be awful!"

To OP, thanks for responding. I'm sorry about your friend. I know what it is like to have a friend you couldn't bear to lose.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

If you're not ready to commit, realistically, and not even biblically, I don't know why youre having sex. The potential of a kid is more expensive than a wedding, and forces you int a bigger commitment.

I don't agree with your friend judging you, but by assessing what youve said, you sound like you're still in a lust stage of your relationship. I think you should heed your friends advoce.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I am committed to my relationship with him, but that doesn't mean I have to marry him yet. And I haven't said anything about my relationship that would imply we are in the lust stage. Yes, we do want to get married in the future, but right now we just aren't ready for that. Marriage is a very big step and not one to be taken lightly. That's why we're waiting a while. I feel that 18 and 19 is a bit young to be running off to the altar.

Also, of Mike and Men, I'd like to ask you. What have I said that sounds like me making excuses? Are you talking solely about my desire to wait a while before marriage, or is there something else I've said that sounds like excuses? I'm not trying to be rude, but it really isn't your place to say when I'm ready to marry. And please don't accuse me again of "not being able to realistically or biblically commit." I personally found that comment a bit rude and unnecessary.

[Of Mike and Men]

I didn't accuse you of being unrealistic. Nor did I say she would get pregnant. I have no.need to make excuses. It's not my life.

[Toz]

This thread is going all over the place.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

I didn't accuse you of being unrealistic. Nor did I say she would get pregnant. I have no.need to make excuses. It's not my life.

If you're not accusing me of being unrealistic, then what did you mean when you said "If you aren't ready to commit realistically or even biblically you shouldn't be having sex?"

[Of Mike and Men]

I will respond more later because I'm busy. But let me clarify to OP, when I say lust, I don't mean in the traditional sense as in you only want to have sex, I mean it.differently.

[Of Mike and Men]

Reread what I said and consider the punctuation.

[Koharuchan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

Reread what I said and consider the punctuation.

At the very least will you tell me this? If by lust you didn't mean we only want to have sex with each other, what did you mean?

[Gymnophoria]

Alright everyone, time to get back on topic. This thread is not about arguing or questioning the OP's faith. She wants advice on what to do about her friend pushing religious beliefs on her. Please try to keep it that way.

[Of Mike and Men]

Originally Posted by Koharuchan

At the very least will you tell me this? If by lust you didn't mean we only want to have sex with each other, what did you mean?

Feel free to PM me if you want to know my opinion and explanation for this. I'm going to refrain from this thread as overall, my opinion isnt welcomed here

[Megan1]

Originally Posted by Koharuchan

Someone who follows the path of Jesus, believes in god, and wants to be with god in heaven.

I know you said for people to stop questioning you and just give you advice, but I feel the need to address this, because it may help you to understand where your friend is coming from. However, while reading what I am about to say, please know that I don't agree with the fact that your friend keeps pushing it on you over and over again and won't leave you alone about it. The bible says to preach the truth once and then move on if the person doesn't accept it, not to keep harassing them. With that in mind, I would like to say....

The bible defines a Christian like this: It's someone who was a sinner (which we all are), and realized that they fall short of perfection. A Christian knows that they couldn't get to Heaven because of their lack of perfection, and so they need to have their sins gone in order to get there. They know that God is the only one powerful enough to take their sins, and that He did this by sending Jesus to die on the cross and take the punishment for us- and then rose Him from the dead 3 days later to defeat our sins. A Christian is someone who believes that and received that gift by having a change of mind (repentence) and choosing God rather than your old life once and for all.

What I assume your friend is concerned about, is the fact that if someone is a Christian, they have the Holy Spirit inside of them...so they have the desire to obey God. Yes they will still mess up sometimes, but sin will disgust them and they will recognize sin as sin. When she sees you doing things that go against the bible (pre-marital sex, for example), she doesn't see the Holy Spirit in you (not saying it is or isn't there, but she's not seeing it), so she is worried that you may not really be saved. Now, please know that I'm not saying you are or aren't....I don't know you or your beleifs well enough to determine that. People still mess up and sin even after they are saved, so sinning doesn't automatically mean you aren't a Christian. However, I'm pretty sure that your friend is simply concerned because she feels like if you are a Christian, God would have given you the desire to obey the bible that says to be intimate only with your husband.

I don't really have any "advice" other than to respond to your friend calmly because she is doing it because she cares- she's just coming off a little too harsh. Maybe just kindly remind her of the bible verse that says to preach the gospel once and then move on if they aren't accepting of it. That way, she won't continue to push the same subject all the time. Please remember though that she really does care and just wants to see you in Heaven.

[dr2005]

I have to say, this thread has taken more twists and turns than the River Nile...

Anyway, to the original question: it is tricky because on the one hand I can see how hurtful you find your friend's opinion on the subject, but on the other hand I can see how you don't want it to be the breakdown of your friendship. The best thing you can do really is to say to her that you respect her opinion on the subject and how her beliefs lead her to that opinion, but that your relationship with God is different to hers and has led you to your opinion instead. No one's relationship with God is exactly the same as another person's, and belief does not lead to a uniform set of opinions. We're still individual human beings at the end of the day and we all view things from a different perspective - and as a case in point, look at how many different branches of Christianity there are in the first place. Her point of view on the matter is no more right or wrong than yours, it's just different, and if your beliefs have led you to this conclusion then she should be able to accept that. If she doesn't, remind her it's God's call to make and not hers.

Hope some of that helps and take care.

[jenpiglet17]

Originally Posted by Koharuchan

I have a close friend who is VERY devout Christian. All her free time is spent in church. She reads the bible constantly in her spare time and is trying to memorize it, and has succeeded so far. I love her to death, and I'm a Christian too, but I'm not as devout as she is. She keeps pushing things on me and I hate fighting with her.

My boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together in a few months. She's way against this, and tried to stop me, but she gave up...for a while. Now she's pushing on me not to have sex with him until we get married and not to sleep in the same bed when we move in together. I told her when we have sex is our decision, and it led to a big argument. I am a Christian, but I'm fine with sex before marriage. She started questioning whether or not I'm really a Christian, that I can say I am all I want but if I move in with him/start having sex with him I'm not a real believer. She's pushing it on me.

Is there any way I can stop her from doing this? I'm already super stressed right now and I don't need this from her. And please don't say stop being her friend, I've known her 7 years and we've been through a lot. She's very close to me, but her words hurt.

In answer to this, I'd tell her that as much as you appreciate her friendship and understand she is so devout in her religion, that it's your life to lead, not hers. You're the one who makes the decisions in your life. People can try and try to tell you what to do, but you have the choice. She seems to not understand distance & respect in this matter.
As for the whole getting married thing, as long as you're super sure, go ahead! I got engaged when I was 19, fiance' was 20. Our wedding is next year, so I'll be 21 for it, and we have had enough time to save up enough money for a dream wedding, not a half-a**ed one put together in a hurry. We also don't believe that it's wrong to have sex before getting married, because we really care about each other & know we'll be together for the rest of our lives. To each his own. But I think people should respect your beliefs, even if they don't agree. Everyone's entitled to an opinion.

[thebigmole]

You must have a very close relationship with this girl, because by the sound of her I wouldn't be able to be around her for very long. Anyway I suggest telling her that she just needs to stop. That's it's you life, your relationship (not just with your boyfriend but with God as well) and that she needs to lay off your decision. And tell her that if she can't do that she will lose you (even if you don't really mean that say it it will help wake her up).

[Sythan]

Originally Posted by Of Mike and Men

Why do you think premarital sex is okay?

Because it's not wrong. Realistically, scientifically, sex before marriage is normal, sex when you're a teenager is normal, sex when not in a relationship is even more normal.

@OP

Tell her to back off. She has her own personal religious opinions, hint at the phrase "Personal opinions", and you have your own. She cannot say that you aren't a Christian because your actions don't meet her paranoid and demented thoughts about simply moving in together and sharing the same bed with your partner. If someone was telling me that, I'd stop talking to them altogether, I don't need someone breathing down my neck about my actions when it has nothing to do with them and doesn't effect them in any way.

Good luck!

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Even though you have a long friendship and strong bond together, you have to tell her to cut back, otherwise it will only increase. Try telling her that what you do is your life and she should respect that. In the event telling her that fails, then be more forceful, although to be honest, I'd probably get annoyed and tell her if she won't fuck off, then I'll grab her bible, grease it up real nice, turn it sideways and shove it up her candy ass. That should get your point across.

Alternatively, you can tell her she's being a hypocrite as she is declaring you are not a real Christian since you're not following the bible to the letter but neither is she through her actions.

To be honest, you must have more patience than a saint because if I were in your shoes, I'd end the relationship as she's being more of a pain in the butt than anything else.