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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Houseofboringx Offline
sometimes i wonder...
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Name: Kristen
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Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 07:22 AM

I apologize for the longness in advance, but I only felt that it was right... Sorry. lol.

I feel so young in comparison to everyone else, but I guess compared to everyone else I am young.

But anyways, my name is Kristen and I'm fifteen years old.
Is this the part where I try to tell you guys my life story?

Hmm... I'm gonna give it a try, I guess. lol.

But where to begin?

I guess you could say that I've been messed up ever since I was born. I didn't even have that good of a birth, to be honest. But by the age of three I was diagnosed with ADHD and was directly put on medication (Haha, pills at three was tons of fun!) but I could see how my parent's would be happy with that -- I mean, I tore through the house (I still do...) and I was jumping off the roof hyper all the time. They also diagnosed me with OCD early on because I was always trying to keep myself clean... I remember in the first grade when I would go to wash my hands at the sink that I would literally pour soap from the soap dispenser on top of my hand and wash my hair and my hands that way. It didn't seem odd to me -- I was just trying to keep clean. My hands would get so raw and it got to painful points.

I'm not quiet like that now, but I still count my steps and hate odd numbers and have lucky numbers and stuff.

It's rather ironic because I'm not one of those people that has to have everything straight, my disorganization that comes from my ADHD cancels that out, I suppose.

Anyways, they also said that I had some sensory dysfunction disorder. I guess that makes sense... I'm rather sensitive to touch and sound and having people too close to me... It just drains me. I really should look more into that, but oh well.

At one point they also thought I had Asperger, but it was never decided on whether or not I had it. Probably more so because my parent's didn't want anything else that was 'wrong' with me. >_>

Ahh, and Anxiety Disorder... Well more like Social Anxiety Disorder, I was also diagnosed with that.

Anyways, jump start alllll the way to Seventh Grade and that's when things got reallyreallyreally tough for me. I would have these spirts where I was completely at a lose for what to do and so helpless and alone and then I would have these moments or days or weeks or months or whatever where I would be so hyper all the time and I would appear insanely happy and go-lucky and all that good stuff! But then I would get into these rages... I would be put off by the most harmless comments and just start screaming and throwing things and at one point I threw a chair through my door and needless to say... We have a new door now. I would get so riled up and so upset and I just felt this anger inside of me and I had to get it out and that seemed to be a good way too... Who knows how many things I broke. I like blacked out at certain times, honestly. But usually I would end up taking off all of my clothes (To just my underwear) and end up curled up into a little ball and crying in the middle of my bed completely alone.

I had visions of myself flying... But when it went back to being depressed... I got so stressed out by my seventh grade resource teacher. I was her target. She made my school life hell and always belittled me and put me in the back of the classroom away from everyone else and she wouldn't let me touch anything and she gave me a referral and all this shiz!

Eventually I ended up telling her that she was a complete and total bitch and that I hated her and hoped she died. But anyways, at points in that class I would have to get up and run out of the class room and I would run into the nearest bathroom and go into the nearest stall and cry... Eventually instead of crying it was just cutting. I liked it. I haven't done it in forever now, though. My parent's found out and it... it wasn't good then.

I wanted to hurt myself and I did. I want to hurt myself now, actually, but I made a promise to someone.

My doctors figured I had bipolar, but at the final moment when they wanted to take me in for elevation I told them that I felt great and that I didn't need that and I regret it so much now.

After that they said I had 'depression' and gave me medication for that, but it doesn't work so I don't even know why I take it.

I still cry. I still wanna die.
Nothing's changed.

For the past year or so I've been slipping back into this ... thing and it's horrible.

I hate feeling so much pain and I hate letting people continue to hurt me. I don't stand up for myself.

At least I have someone to help me through it. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be here now.

I can't explain things better than that... When it starts to take too much energy to take my clothes off and take a shower and the fact that I don't care enough to turn the temperature of the water in the shower long enough so I get burnt... There's something wrong there.

Speaking is hard. It drains me.

I don't like people near me.

I ache for no reason.

I take pain killers to try and keep some of it at bay at times. It works, usually.

I don't sleep much. Maybe two hours a night, but I don't even go to sleep at night anyways... Can't you tell?

I'm gonna quote something else about how school has just been complete shiz for me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Post by me
And then since Kindergarten I have been hated by all of my classmates. I've had probably five friends in the fifteen and five months that I've been alive.

Imagine being in a glass room and you're the only one in there and you're sitting on the floor Indian style and you're trembling and crying and you hear all these loud-so-loud whispers of, "Ugly, Fat, Lesbo (Forth Grade Nickname, lovely, right?), Bitch, Fatso, The Tornado, Slow Poke," and etc. And you could see them through the class and they were mocking you and staring you down and making you feel so small and you were shaking and you were panicking and you were just so sad.

Then there was the shoving and the kicking and the tripping and the laughing! People find it so hilarious when they trip the fat loser kid and I don't know what's so funny about that. People find it funny to call me a dyke and people find it funny to through me against walls and to put their hands against my hips and people find it funny to take their cars and drive it across pools of water that are right in front of me that then splash up onto me and get me soaken wet and then they present me with this evil grin - this all-knowing grin.

People like to put gum in my seat so when I go to sit down I get it all over me and people like to put paper in my hair and laugh at me and people like to throw pennies at my head and then take pictures of it and record the conversation afterwards and forward it to all of their friends.

People love to remind me that I have nobody; That I'm alone and that I deserve it and that nobody likes me. People like to remind me of the fact that I would be better off dead and that I would be doing the world a favor.

Nobody is happy with me. Nobody, except her. But can I really just rely on her? That isn't fair! But I have nobody else.
That was all going on while I was dealing with this... lol. It was just great.

I'm at fault for most things.

I wish I'd never been born because then my dad wouldn't have such and shizzy job...I'm the reason he took it, anyways. It was so he could get more money to support me and if I hadn't been born my sister would've gotten the attention she needed and maybe she wouldn't have ended up the same way she is now? I don't know.

I've ruined a lot of things and my family makes sure I don't forget that.

I can't wait until I'm seventeen. I'm dropping out and running away. I just can't deal with it all. lol.

Hmm... I think I'm done rambling. I bet nobody read this cause it's huge, but if you did... Congrats, Dude!

Ohohohoh! Wait.

Just so you know... if you read all of that you should feel honoured... You see I have these walls built around me and nobody is allowed in there... I don't open up to people. I don't tell people how I feel; I don't even know what feel really means. What does sad really mean, anyways? But anyways... You just basically got my whole life story, or a part of it... Nobody besides her knows about this... I can't and don't have anybody else to tell this to, so yeah.

Anyways, now I'm done... Finally, right? lol.


QUIT WORK,
MAKE MUSIC !
this is but one simple question,
but i wanna know if you can
even answer it.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
AltimaGurl2004 Offline
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 07:39 AM

I can't sit here and tell you everything will be ok but I can tell you things do get better. Nothing is ever perfect even when you have no troubles in life to worry about. I feel bad that you have gone through all that in your life but people do care even when you think you are alone. I've gone through a lot in 23 years of life but my story is different. If I could tell you one thing is that at your age things are the hardest but its nothing you can't get through. Just remember nothing lasts forever all the hurt and the pain fades it doesn't completely go away but it does make you stronger. Everything you do in life is an experience and it will only make you grow and learn.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Bibliophile Offline
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 04:55 PM

Hello there, welcome to TeenHelp.
I feel bad reading through that, I'm sorry that you went through so much at such a young age. We are all here, and we all understand, so if you ever want to talk about it know that we are here.
If you feel like dropping me a PM go ahead, I will always reply, the link is in my signature.
If you have any questions let me know!
Marie.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Trickmatic Offline
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 05:46 PM

Hey Kristen :]
Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm glad you decided to share your whole story with us, and I'm sure there are people on the site that can help and support you.
I did read it all, and it is okay to let your walls down so that people can help you out. :]
I do hope you find the site helpful, and if you need anything at all PM me. Even though it's just through text, it's okay to have your voice heard here if you need help :]

- Vincent
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Power Cosmic Offline
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Outside, huh?
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 06:20 PM

Hey Kirsten...
I'm so sorry to hear that lifes been so hard for you =( I really feel for you..

Welcome to TeenHelp though, I'm Janos, I hope we can help you with stuff, or at the very least, give you a support network that you know will be here for you and stuff.

Be sure to check out
How to Use the Forums
and
Obtaining Advice and Support
Those threads are quite useful for the basics of the site. If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask me, 'kay?
I hope you stick around!




"My one desire is for peace -- peace for everyone"

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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Naomi. Offline
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 07:29 PM

hiya
i read it all
it is so sad what happened to you! and so young!
i am often in chat and stuff, if you ever need to talk, i am here, drop me a pm/vm
xoxox



Dream ♥

   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
lOkita Offline
hes so ughh brah
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Re: Long intro... - April 23rd 2009, 09:24 PM

hey!
welcome to TH!
i read part of your life..and its good that you wrote it.
ive got a wall around me too and i normally dont talk about feelings either
if you wanna talk [about anything] you can pm me or post a comment on my page watever you want cause i will answer

and your parents seem so mean lik who says that stuff to their child..well mines would..

you'll get through it..
and TH people will help you through it. :] we've got your back no matter what..
lol its sounds lik ive known you for lik years lol :P


thats new boyz
We were given:Two hands to hold.To legs to walk.Two eyes to see.Two ears to listen.But why only one heart?Because the other was given to someone else.For us to find.



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