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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
semiunbalanced Offline
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Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 3rd 2012, 06:44 AM

I had to write a short story for my fiction class and I'm not sure I like it. It could only be one page so I struggled with making it short... I want to leave the reader guessing on many things as well because I love leaving things open to interpretation. That being said I would love to hear your thoughts on it because I have to turn it in on Tuesday and I have to turn it in to an entire classroom of hopefully not-so-judgemental students.


She always felt like she didn’t really have a place in life, though maybe this was her place. She hadn’t done anything wrong, but she could accept it for what it was. Her mom would be furious but when was her mom not furious? Elena had sat in her room for the majority of her life wondering what it would be like to break out and be free. Her mother didn’t force her to stay there but didn’t exactly let her run off either. She was eighteen but knew that if she wanted a place to say, she would have to abide by her mom’s rules. Her only true escape was her best friend, Tyce. She relaxed into the small bench just inside the police station and tried to recall the events that had lead her there.
Tyce and Elena always went for a run right at dusk. Both of them found a certain sense of beauty in the fact that most of the people they came across preferred night or day, sunrise or sunset. It was only eleven in the morning but Elena was already looking forward to later that night when she could run and not worry about anything. How could one person be so annoying?
“Elena why are you hanging out in the living room? Go to your own room and read or something,” her mom said.
“I’m allowed to hang out in my own house mom,” she replied.
“You are so annoying and childish. Go to your room.”
It didn’t make much sense to Elena but of course hardly anything that came out of her mom’s mouth made sense. This had been going on for quite some time so she ignored it, went to her room, and texted Tyce. It didn’t take long before he was over at her house to rescue her.
“Thank God you showed up when you did. I thought I was going to murder her,” Elena said.
“Yeah no problem, but can we stop by the bank because I was kind of the in the middle of things when you texted me,” he said.
“Mhm, how far is it?” she asked.
“Not that far, it will only be a quick stop.”
Elena was too distracted to notice that Tyce had a backpack on for the first time in his entire life, and to remember that Tyce didn’t even have any type of bank account. He was the store-the-money-under-the-mattress kind of guy for as long as she could remember.
The rest of the day seemed like a blur. She had waited outside while he went into the bank and within seconds he was out leaving his backpack at her feet. He was running full speed and Elena knew it would be almost impossible to catch him.
“Wait! What are you doing?” Elena called. She opened up the backpack and discovered hundreds of dollars inside. That’s when the cop cars showed up.
“How...?” she said to herself. She didn’t have much time to figure it out but as she was looking through the backpack she found just what she needed.
“Elena! How could you possibly disappoint me like this again? What did you do this time?” Her mom jumped out of a cop car behind her as she was getting arrested. There was nothing much to say since she hadn’t done anything wrong but she didn’t want to go back home. Of course she knew her mom would fight for her but until evidence was released, Elena knew she wasn’t going to be going anywhere. She figured now was just as good a time as any to open the note she found at the bottom of the backpack just before the cops arrived.
“Stay strong and enjoy freedom for a bit. I’ll be joining you soon. Love, Tyce”
   
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Re: Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 3rd 2012, 12:54 PM

I liked this story. i think it will be very interesting if it is turned into a long story just to see what happens along the road and see how your characters change and what happens to them. I just feel that the end of the story just really blows it because you read and read and at the end you are left hanging. Its somewhat disappointing. If you want to leave it open for interpretation don't cut the story off in such an eventful place.keep on going because this story although it is great it doesn't take you anywhere. You are stuck in one place and its a lot to read but at the end the reader isn't satisfied with the ending..
You are a great writer, I like your wording and everything but this seems more like a sneak peek to a huge novel and not a short story




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 3rd 2012, 10:24 PM

I like this a lot. <3 I don't really know what else to say, but its really good! haha.
~paula


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Re: Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 8th 2012, 11:28 PM

I edited a lot so it's different now haha.

The ending is the same and it's because it was supposed to be like a short story but more of a scene instead of an entire novel. I'm only allowed to have one page hahaha. Thanks for the feedback!
   
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Re: Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 9th 2012, 02:36 AM

This is really good!




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Re: Freedom: A short story NEED FEEDBACK - September 9th 2012, 03:53 AM

When writing, you may also want to describe everything a bit better, we are left confused by what your characters look like but we can see their personalities. Dialogue was interesting also, all in all quite well done. 1 page? I suck at 1 page quotas, my short stories go for at least 10 pages :P I'm a novel-writer at heart.

Jay.


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