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shades October 11th 2012 08:06 AM

Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
To A One Time Love

Dear beloved; it was not to be;
Even if you had loved me;
Even though you, dear one, I loved.
Listen, for I am bereaved.
It will not take long; listen to this;
A salute to loss, not victory.

Me; I despise the love now mauled;
Ex-loved, you I once adored.
Ring no bells; it is gone
Into the abyss; love foregone.
Even there; my love is lost.
Look not; no awaiting reward.

Ruined is my once great passion for you,
And it is soon lost; sad, but true.
Naught; save for a few lines written.
And for them? Oblivion
Shall their new home be;
Inside none will give my words their due;
No worth, as valuable as a false grin.
Gone; no regret; no sin.
Home? No, simply the broken,
Empty halls of oblivion.

Validity October 11th 2012 08:09 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
Hey there, mate!
This is excellant! The writing structure is brilliant, and I can sense emotion in this :) you have talent!

Jay.
P.S I live up the coast from Sydney :bleh: good to see people from the NSW area around ;)
Feel free to PM/VM me anytime if you'd like some constructive critiscm for I write short stories, novels and poems.

shades October 11th 2012 09:17 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
Thanks! It took me awhile to get it to it's current form :)

Haha it is pretty cool :p

Validity October 11th 2012 09:38 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
Yeah, I know how that feels :P I read over my first attempts at novels the other day and my jaw hit the ground, I was like 'no way, did I NOT know how to use full stops? And my dialogue? NO!!' haha, quite funny when you look back over something you consider your strengths, back then short stories were more my things, not full on novels :)

What part of Sydney you from? I was born in Hornsby and my family used to live in Chatswood but now I have no idea :bleh: cities confuse me!

Jay.

bellatink October 11th 2012 12:56 PM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
wow, I really liked this! It's really well written, and hits home with me having just been through a tough break up :) I wish I could write like that!

shades October 11th 2012 08:48 PM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
Hahaha yeah, looking back on your own writing is depressing :p
Haha nice, I'm from the Hills, but only moved here a few years back.

Thanks bellatink, and really sorry to hear that

Validity October 11th 2012 10:03 PM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
I know right?! Haha.
I live in Tweed now, but have lived on the Gold Coast for most of my life, only moved back to new south wales three years ago :bleh:

Jay.

Evanescent October 12th 2012 04:12 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
I like this, you have a very mature writing style.

oldaccount October 12th 2012 05:15 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
I like this a lot, and like the above poster said your writing style is very mature :) I like it!

shades October 12th 2012 11:29 AM

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 
Thank you very much! :)


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