Should I give him this letter?

[niente_]

Here I sit and remenis, holding 3 years of my past in my hands. Letters. Cards. Notes. I kept everything from you. Right from the very beginning. Right until the very end.
There’s Hannes’ email address in the box too. I snatch it and toss it on the floor. The guy who ruined everything for us. The guy who made me question myself. The guy who inadvertently made me believe it was right to break up with you. The guy who gave me a taste of what I thought at the time was “real life”, and who made me want to spread my wings. Was it a right decision? A year and a half later, here I sit, far too late, thinking “no.”
I hold the gold luxurious chocolate box in my hand, and stroke it’s soft cover. Sliding the lid open, I take one of the many pieces of paper and hold it in my hand. I hold it so gently; I fear it may disintegrate if I am not careful. I slowly unfold the paper. I see your handwriting. I read the words, and absorb each one. They say the most beautiful things in the simplest ways. They bring back so many memories.
And now I think back to this past year, and how many times I’ve watched you sit in the school common room surrounded by your friends. Ignoring me. Even hating me. I don’t blame you. If I were you, I would hate me too. You’ve grown to be such an attractive young man. I look at you and remember pulling you close, kissing your lips, exploring your broad shoulders with my hands. I miss my past so much. I’ve prayed to God to give me a real life rewind button, so that I can relive it all again, and change the ending. I know this is never possible. I yearn for it to be possible.
I rummage in the box, and find the first photo of you. Some of it has worn away. You look so different, so young. A 13 year old you. I place it next to the picture of you in the frame when you were 16. You grew up so much. But for the last year and a half, I have missed you growing. I’ve missed you laughing, crying, achieving, worrying. You look even more different in real life. But I’ve left. I may never see you again. My best friend for 3 years. My lover. My rock. My comfort blanket. Gone forever.
It hurts to think what we could have had if I had not taken that awful risk. I still wear the ring you gave me. A promise ring, we called it. Every time I look at it, it hurts. It reminds me of what I had. I deserve to hurt, because of how much I hurt you. I promise to look after it and wear it often, and to think of you.
I read more precious letters. The postcard from when you went to Singapore. “I miss you so much, I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve got your picture with me and look at it whenever I can. I’d love to take you here with me. You’d love it. I promise I’ll take you, one day.” One day never came, for anything.
I read more. Each one tightens a ball in my stomach, because you always mention life without me. “If we split up, it would destroy my heart, my soul, my life.” “I never want us to end.” “Even in death I wish to be with you.” “I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” I crushed you. I hurt you. And now I try to crush myself. I was truly awful to you. You always deserved better. But I realised these things far too late. It was too late when I realised what a truly wonderful person you were, and how kind, caring and generally amazing you were to me. For 3 years I shared a life with you, and never realised these things. Never appreciated them. Never appreciated you. Oh, how I wish I had. How I wish I had not said what I said, did what I did. I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Deep down, I know I will never find another like you. The longer I spend with someone, the more depressed I become, and now I realise it is because they are not you. They would never do the things you did for me. I know that already. I’ve been pushed around, treated badly, been ignored, been pushed in to sexual activity, felt the need to wear makeup and earrings and straighten my hair ... I never felt like that with you. You were so kind, so thoughtful. The thought never occurred to me that people could be unkind. I could always be myself around you. Even when I looked my worst, you always told me I looked beautiful. And the little things you did mean so much now, when they almost meant nothing back then. When you used to walk me home from school every day, whatever the weather, and carry my schoolbag for me. You’d give me your chocolate bar in your packed lunch every dinner time. You’d always pull me close, even when surrounded by your friends. You put up with my moods and my many changes of heart. I remember the time we went to Belgium and you bought me lots of bracelets and the necklace. You let me where your jacket when it was raining. You bought me roses. Countless number of presents. Anywhere you went, you always brought me something back. I still have them all.
You always said that if we were broke up and were apart, you would still love me and want me back. I need to know – is this true? I wish I knew.
For me right now, I should be looking at the future. Exams to take, university to go to, new people to meet and new things to do. But I can’t stop thinking about my past. You ARE my past. You are still important to me, even though I know you wish I didn’t exist anymore. It pains me to know that. To see you older, more mature, maybe happy I’m not sure, I wish I had been there for all that.
I regret the decision to break up. I regret it with every cell in my body. I read your notes and I am taken back to my past, warm and comforting. Then I open my eyes, and I am here. It’s cold and dark. I’m with him, but he’s nothing like you. This makes me feel even worse. I don’t want to do to him what I did to you. He doesn’t deserve it either.
If I am feeling like this now, 1 ½ years later, then I can’t begin to imagine what you felt.
I wish I could tell you how I feel. I know I can’t. I want to give you this letter, but I know I shouldn’t. A battle is taking place in my heart. Do I send this to you, before I leave and never get to talk to you again? Or do I keep it in the box, locked away forever with all my other memories?
Do well in life. Travel like you always dreamed of. Make your parents proud. Get married to a woman who deserves you, and who appreciates and loves you like I never did, until now.
You appear so wonderful to me right now.
I’ve had my experience of “real life”, and I don’t like it. I am sorry. I miss you. I love you. I want to be 16 again, and with you. I’m sorry. So sorry.
Sorry.

[abandoning]

oh wow!


i know exactly how you feel!!!


but him and i worked things out!


give him the letter!
you'll regret not giving it to him!

[Singing to the starlight]

Give him the letter, and tell us how it works out.

Good luck.
<3