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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gloves123 Offline
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Arrow creative wrting (feedback?) - February 21st 2016, 04:08 PM

So for my English class, I need to do some creative writing pieces. I just wrote this one, but I'm not sure if it's any good. So I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some feedback





I canít say how long Iíve been here. The days blend together at this point. Maybe it had only been weeks, but it could have been months, even years. It didnít matter, though. This wasnít the worst thing that could have happened to me. I could have been thrown out, left to rot in a trash compactor. Or I could have been left behind in the basement on moving day, lying on the freezing cold concrete for who knows how long. I could have been packed away in a box and left there, only seeing the light of day when someone felt nostalgic. Yeah, there could have been much worse situations for me to be in besides being lost at the bottom of this ditch by the side of the dirt path. At least now I can convince myself that it wasnít on purpose and there is still someone out there missing me.
It isnít so bad down here. I have lots of friends to keep me company. An old bottle of water, its contents long since turned green and murky and the label washed out from the rain and snow. A silver, chain patterned ring that still had some shine to its scratched surface. A metal, rusty lunchbox with a pale image of a superhero flying away to save the city. There were countless wrappers and old papers left down here, but those came and went with the wind. None of us could talk, but I didnít mind, all the more time to listen to passersby. Footsteps and the occasional bike zipping past were okay, but I enjoyed hearing their voices much more. You can learn a lot about a person from their conversations when they think no one is listening.
The ditch is more comfortable than you may think. Leafs make the bottom soft, and aside from the rain and snow, it can be quite peaceful. Still, there was a time when I could see him pass by me. A few days after I first came here, he came frequently, searching the ditches from the path above. But with my brown fur I blended right into the rest of the ground. After a while, he only passed me when he was walking with his friends, and then his visits grew few and far between, until he stopped all together. At least I got to see him grow up; at least he did alright without me. Sometimes I got sad thinking about it, I felt like I had abandoned him even though it was him who didnít pay attention and dropped me. At least I had landed face up, unlike the toy soldier who now would never see anything but the ground in front of his face. I appreciated that fact, and I happily watched and listened to the people who walked by, unknowing to my existence. There used to be an old man that came by for walks, he was my favourite besides the boy who lost me. He had a look to him that reminded me of that boy from who knows how long ago. His eyes held the same look, and a few times I could have sworn our eyes met once when he passed me. All that really stood out from the leafs were my button eyes, pale pink against the brown. But he had kept on walking. Eventually, he too stopped coming.
Part of me still dreamed of the boy finding me, rushing down into the ditch and picking me up, brushing off the dirt and bringing me back to the nice, warm house. His father would probably throw me in the washing machine first, but then everything would be the way it should have been. I would have my rightful place back, next to Sheldon the toy turtle, on the bookshelf, across from the fireplace. But this was my home now.
   
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Re: creative wrting (feedback?) - February 21st 2016, 06:41 PM

I like how you started this piece because it drew my attention right away. It made me wonder where the main character actually was. You also used a lot of descriptive language which is good.

Since this is for English, I do want to point out that the word should be "leaves" and not "leafs." Normally I don't like to point out typos, but you know how English teachers can get.

I actually really like this though because it is written from an interesting perspective!


   
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Re: creative wrting (feedback?) - February 21st 2016, 09:03 PM

I agree with Dez. The perspective is so amazing and creative, and the beginning is so well written too, but it all is well written.


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Re: creative wrting (feedback?) - February 22nd 2016, 02:13 AM

Like Dez and Cassado, it drew me in and painted a picture in my mind.


   
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