they were wrong (until they weren't) - a very long poem
they told me that it would hurt
in every possible way there is to feel pain. physically. emotionally. mentally. it would all hurt me so badly. the thing is, i didn't feel the hurt. not as it was happening not that day not even for a few weeks. in fact maybe i'm still waiting to feel the real hurt because honestly, i'm kind of okay. i'm bruised. i'm sad. i wish it never happened. but i'm not dying. i know it's not the end of the world. and i think i really could be okay someday. which brings me to my next point of when they told me i would never be perfectly okay again. but did i even start out perfectly okay? obviously if i had, i wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. but let's pretend i was perfectly, 100%, absolutely happy with myself and with my life when it happened. and then what? am i just supposed to die of pure depression from this? am i supposed to cry over something that already happened? something that i can never fix? they tell me things like "you'll never trust men again" or "you'll have to let your future partners know what makes you uncomfortable" or even "a lot of victims have trouble even looking at their own bodies again. they find themselves dirty disgusting t a i n t e d." so am i supposed to, what, just drop all the amazing friendships i have with males in my life? supposed to be scared of being with another guy?? what if i'm not uncomfortable with physical contact with another human being? what if it's being touched and cuddled and being held close that helps to heal me? that helps me to feel safe?? am i dirty and disgusting and tainted now? because of one mistake? this one mistake that i didn't even make but too many people say it's my fault and my problem alone. or is that just what the world is going to make me believe of myself? see, they told me that it would take a piece of my heart that it would steal a part of me away from myself forever. if anything, it gave me a bit of myself back. it was a wake up call. i fucked up and if i ever want to change my life around i'm going to have to accept that it happened admit that i shouldn't have been in that situation anyway learn from it and move on. everyone says that the first time is the most special time. how many times have you heard them say "you only lose your virginity once" ? the shitty thing is that it's true; they're right. and he stole my first time from me. he stole it right out of my hands. ... if i could've stopped it in anyway possible.. don't you think i fucking would have??? and all i hear them saying now is that i should've stopped it sooner. i shouldn't have been messing with him in the first place. that i could've done something. that if i just listened to them months before and cut it off for good, this. never. would. have. happened. well i'm sorry i can't see the fucking future. i'm sorry i didn't have many alternatives (and that i'm too good a friend to take the alternative that someone offered me.) obviously i totally wanted this to happen. that's why i let it. that about sums up your logic, your reasoning on why i convinced myself that doing something so stupid was okay yeah? well i'm glad you can read into my mind so that i won't have to explain to you how utterly fucked up it was in there that made me need someone like him in my life. i'm not stupid. of course i knew he wasn't good for me. of course i knew i could cut him off at any time. so i apologize for not using my psychic abilities (which i so obviously have) to see that this would happen. because it was so blatantly self-evident, wasn't it? aren't i such an idiot for not immediately knowing that a guy, who had always, ALWAYS, asked for a straight-up "yes" before, would ignore my many "no" "no" "NO"'s. but back to them and how wrong they are. they tell me how only whores do this or only sluts do that. then label me one of those right then. or at home they say how i could never be one because who could ever be attracted to me, right. right?? and maybe that's why it happened in the first place. because even though i knew he didn't love me -- that he would never love me or that he would never care; what he did make me feel was wanted. for once in my life i finally felt attractive. i felt desired by somebody. i finally had this sense that somebody actually wanted me around and that they wanted to do anything they could to keep me around. i had nothing, and i held on to this something -- to this knowledge that he wanted me -- and it was all i had to hold on to in order to stop feeling so pathetically ugly. so horrendously and horribly fat. and disgusting and revolting. * * * and that's the one thing they didn't get wrong. because they told me that he wanted me. but that all he wanted me for was my body. and that all he wanted it for was sex. i guess they finally got one right. congrats. |
Re: they were wrong (until they weren't) - a very long poem
There is no set way to respond to something like this. Your experience is individual and unique and it won't be exactly like anyone's experience because it is yours. Hope you're hanging in there. :hug:
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Re: they were wrong (until they weren't) - a very long poem
Hey Jess! :hug:
This is so very touching! :hug: I hope you're okay, stay strong! :) Let me know if you need anything, I'm always here for you! :hug: Take care! :) See you around! :) Love. - xx |
Re: they were wrong (until they weren't) - a very long poem
I really like your style of writing!
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Re: they were wrong (until they weren't) - a very long poem
thanks for the feedback everyone :hug:
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