Triggering (Abuse): remembering it -- a poem

[Jess~]

sweet nothing's
empty "i love you's"
childish butterflies in a kiss.
those are the things i should've remembered,
looking back on all of this.

awful school dance
ditching our classes
driving past cops for a joint.
this should've been the worst that things got,
why didn't i start running at this point?

six other girls
treated like a toy
which makeup covers bruises the best?
but i still fucking stayed, only to feel wanted,
to temporarily put my inner demons to a rest.

choked out of breath
no will never mean no
no matter how hard you resist.

and now this is the only thing i can remember,
looking back on all of this.

~~~
i wrote this really quickly and without much revision, so please let me know if there's any parts that sound off to you.

this was inspired on my last relationship, which was actually my first real one. it was mostly me venting about the fact that all my friends are getting into relationships, for some it's their first, or talking about their first relationships. and they got to experience all the cute, fucking gushy little puppy love things about it.
they get to remember their first relationship as something cute and childish to be looked back on with fondness and adoration.

and i look back on my first relationship, and while i should remember all that shit, instead the only thing screaming at me constantly is he raped me, my first boyfriend raped me, my first time was taken by rape.

it's not fair.
i don't get some funny, awkward story to tell about losing my virginity.
i have to deal with something that no one my age, let alone, any fucking age should be forced to endure.

[perfectlyfalling]

I am so sorry that you had to endure that. Its not fair, you're right.

"But temporarily put my inner demons to rest" is the only thing I caught that didn't flow very well. But that's just me.

Otherwise, beautiful poem that made me really sad and felt the feelings with you.
Best of luck,
Jenny

[Elision]

This is such an emotive poem. I especially loved the last two lines, they really resonate. A really beautiful piece of work, thank you for posting!

[Ennui.]

You drew me in right from the beginning!

[hocus pocus]

I agree with Eve, I really love those last two lines. Those definitely stick with me in a good way.