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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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In need of feedback - January 25th 2018, 01:45 AM

I don't know if I've posted this poem before, but I did edit it a lot in terms of wording, because I've always felt like parts of it didn't flow as good as they should.

Anyway, I'd like to know your honest opinion of it! It's meant to be a silly poem and is really different from the stuff I usually write.
I'm mostly concerned about the wording, rhymes, and especially the flow of it all, especially stanzas 4, 8, 9, and 10.

The Doom of Doubloon

There sat His Majesty and the queen,
alongside the queen's beloved horse, Doubloon.
Said to have the bravery of a nightly knight
and eyes that shined just like the moon.

With a beautiful coat of snowy white silk
and a braided black mane soft as fleece,
no one could have possibly ever predicted
that this beauty would soon become the beast.

Adored by all royalty, far and wide,
dukes and duchesses, and even the jest.
No one would ever dare deny,
that the queen's horse was the best!

Fondly known by all the townsfolk,
who would show up every noon,
to shower the castle with many gifts
for their dear beloved horse, Doubloon.

He was befriended by the peasants,
who cared for him day and night.
None of them would have believed,
this horse would cause such a fright.

The moon was full, one cool crisp night,
exactly a decade after he had been born.
And suddenly Doubloon's forehead was bloodied.
By Jove; he'd grown a horn!

There through his lovely, cloudy fur,
a pointed bone, like a dagger, had torn.
And thus, the queen's horse was no horse at all,
Doubloon was a freaking unicorn.

His fur quickly became stained with blood,
as it rushed through his coat from his head.
And from then on his once beautiful ivory coat,
would forever be a bloody, rusty red.

Doubloon rampaged throughout the village,
causing quite the hullabaloo!
He awoke all the townspeople, and even the jest,
as they awed at the new horn that he grew.

However, their amazement was shortly lived,
as he pierced them with his magnificence.
They were held by horror, frozen by fear,
for he had committed his first offense.

The first was a young boy wearing rouge,
a shirt colored like a strawberry tart.
Doubloon saw this color, and his eyes lit up,
and he stabbed little boy rouge in the heart.

It soon became clear that the dear unicorn
would only attack the red colors.
Not yellow or greens nor violets or blues,
Doubloon didn't care for the others.

From there on the townsfolk screamed in terror,
it was no use to remove their red threads.
For much to their horror, (and Doubloon's sweet delight!)
this was a village full of redheads.



i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; January 27th 2018 at 09:38 PM. Reason: sorry idk why the whole thing ended up being bolded lol
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Hypothesis. Offline
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Re: In need of feedback - January 25th 2018, 02:38 AM

I really like how this flows actually and found the ending really funny! Guess everyone's gotta shave.


   
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Re: In need of feedback - January 25th 2018, 04:46 AM

I agree that it flows quite well. I didn't feel like there were only awkward phrases or awkward pauses etc.

I actually really liked this and it gave me a bit of chuckle.

Thank you for sharing


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cynefin Offline
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Re: In need of feedback - January 25th 2018, 02:07 PM

This is awesome! I love the flow and everything as it is. It's so nice to see such a silly poem.


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They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
i am the storm.
   
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.Brittany. Offline
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Re: In need of feedback - January 26th 2018, 02:26 AM

This was so well written! Keep up the amazing work!



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stronger than you seem,
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Re: In need of feedback - January 27th 2018, 06:04 PM

Thank you guys! I feel a lot better about this now lol


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
   
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Svisttt Offline
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Re: In need of feedback - January 27th 2018, 07:23 PM

Ahh I loved this! It was so fun and it flowed really well! Keep writing! <3
   
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