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48thTree99 Offline
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Feedback for these poems?? - March 30th 2018, 12:05 PM

Here is a poem I wrote a little over a year ago when my grandmother passed away when I was 10.

You came in the darkness, you took me by the hand,
You lead me towards the light - towards a better land.
As we walk in the silence, memories flashed past my eyes,
I finally knew - I finally realised.

This was my departure, it was time to leave,
And hoping they could hear me, I whispered “Loved ones, do not grieve.”
For I will be happy here, happy here I’m sure,
And I was suddenly blinded by light as you opened the door.

A thrill ran through me then, as I thought in ease,
“This is really heaven!” I was cured of all disease.
It was truly beautiful here - there were streets paved with gold!
And everyone got their youth back, no one here was old!

I looked into your eyes, theshepeard of my soul.
I was truly in heaven, for I had given my all.
My pain was gone, my time had past.
I finally relaxed, peace, at last.

Does anyone else think of a loved one’s passing this way?
Wrote this one yesterday. See if you can figure out what it is about...

I cannot promise you, my love, that skies will always be blue.
Hoping and wishing that I’ll be fine will not make it true.
I cannot promise that I’ll come back, dear, after I go,
As the world is a very dangerous place, as we both very well know.

I could die over there in the dust, just another casualty of war,
But if I return I sincerely hope that you’ll reopen the door.
I may be scarred or traumatised, but I will still love you,
So don’t lose faith in me, dear one, and know my love is true.

Men are mortal and cruel and cannot survive everything,
Even though I am not yet hurt, my heart is already aching.
And though a single shot may take me away from this place,
I would be leaving in honour - not leaving in disgrace.

I know that if I go so soon your beautiful heart will break,
But if I made a difference in this world, just know it’s not a mistake.
I love you, my pretty dear, I really truly do,
So know that if I never come back, I am fighting for you.

I am trying to decide whether or not I should enter the second one in the short story and poem competition... Can anyone give me some feedback?
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Svisttt Offline
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Re: Feedback for these poems?? - March 31st 2018, 08:51 AM

I would definitely see about entering that competition- these and the other poem you posted are amazing!

"hold me
whatever lies beyond this morning
is a little later on."
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Re: Feedback for these poems?? - April 1st 2018, 04:26 PM

Great stuff! Thank you for sharing!

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Spoons Offline
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Re: Feedback for these poems?? - April 1st 2018, 11:35 PM

I agree, I think you should enter!

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Re: Feedback for these poems?? - April 13th 2018, 03:38 PM

This was lovely
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