TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts Chat Room

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Self Expression Poems, stories, artwork and similar creations are great ways to let out your thoughts or feelings. Please share your work with us here!

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hayli Offline
Life is so overrated...
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Hayli's Avatar
 
Name: Hayli
Gender: Female

Posts: 13
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: December 12th 2009

A Game Of Turture.. - January 2nd 2010, 03:35 AM

I just want feedback on my poem...thanks!




Your beauty too much to disdain.
Yet a beauty that tortures my soul.
You hostage my heart for keep.
Yet i find myself longing for more.
My heart ache, in the tormention of your deadly game.
Yet you seem to be the only cure...

Last edited by Hayli; January 2nd 2010 at 04:17 AM.
  Send a message via MSN to Hayli  
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Josh! Offline
im only dreaming
Average Joe
***
 
Josh!'s Avatar
 
Name: Josh
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Location: somewhere in the united states

Posts: 135
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: January 7th 2009

Re: A Game Of Turture.. - January 2nd 2010, 04:12 AM

its nice.
very real and the last line is killer.
only thing id change is by "turture" i think you mean "torture"

also the 3rd line seems a little awkward to me. but i dont really know if thats the way you wanted it or not?

anyways. im a fan!


you said there was nothing left out here
well i roamed around the wastelands
and i swear i found something
i found hope
i found the dreams of the believers

Click to PM me!

Click to leave me a Visitor Message!

Love Is The Movement


   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
losing touch. Offline
oh, really?..
Jeez, get a life!
***********
 
losing touch.'s Avatar
 
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 5,996
Blog Entries: 537
Join Date: January 8th 2009

Re: A Game Of Turture.. - January 2nd 2010, 09:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hayli View Post
I just want feedback on my poem...thanks!




Your beauty too much to disdain.
Yet a beauty that tortures my soul.
You hostage my heart for keep.
Yet i find myself longing for more.
My heart ache, in the tormention of your deadly game.
Yet you seem to be the only cure...
i'm not sure about the 3rd line, either.. i don't think it really makes sense?
also.. tormention isn't a word, i don't think?.. did you make it up?

i do really like the lines
"yet i find myself longing for more"
and
"yet you seem to be the only cure"
both very powerful, you should write more!. :]


..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..



   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
feedback, game, poem, turture

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2021, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.