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Self Expression Poems, stories, artwork and similar creations are great ways to let out your thoughts or feelings. Please share your work with us here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Christina Offline
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Name: Christina
Age: 25
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Join Date: April 10th 2010

I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 08:56 PM

Innocence
I was told I was mature
and I thought so too.
And everything in the world
I already knew.
As I got to know him
my heart began to swell
and I knew he too
felt something for me as well.
He was older
and I was thirteen
but age didn't matter enough
to destroy such a feeling.
I didn't think anything in the world
could go wrong
and it never did because
I was never alone.
Things were never
as bad as they could be
for either of us,
not as long as I had him, and he had me.
We held hands and we kissed
and it didn't feel wrong.
We talked and we laughed
and life smoothly flowed along.
People scowled
and glared with judging eyes.
I concluded they were jealous
and my happiness they despised.
Nothing in the world
could ruin it
this was love;
this was really it.
I fell for him
and he fell for me.
He was the prince
that swept me off my feet.
But it all was shattered
when my innocence was taken away
despite my kicking, my screaming, my tears
into me he came.
I thought this was love
I thought love was real.
He laid on top of me
pushing to his appeal.
My lungs were being crushed
and I couldn't breath
this is not how I imagined
my first time would be.
When he was done
I just laid there and cried
I couldn't move
even though I tried.
I looked around the room
and he was gone
and now I realized
that I was really alone.
That he never loved me
like I loved him; it was a lie.
My innocence was gone forever
because I was so blind.
I was taken away from myself,
my innocence was ripped out of my grasp
spat on
and thrown in the trash.
My virginity
was ripped out of me
and I didn't get a say.
I am dirty; I am heartbroken
and I will never be the same.
There will never be a next time
because I can never fall in love
after what he did to me
I will forever be alone.

Feedback please..its ok, u can be harsh

Last edited by Christina; May 8th 2010 at 09:33 PM. Reason: grammatical errors
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
snappydog Offline
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Re: I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 09:04 PM

I love it. I think the feelings are much more important than any grammar or anything like that, and although there were a couple of irregular rhyme structures (you said be harsh) I think it actually adds to the poem. It's got the kind of rough feeling that grabs your heart and tears it out, and I think that it's beautiful in the kind of way that only something desperately sad can be.
You've got talent.


It's no surprise that you'll soon forget about me
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Christina Offline
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Re: I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 09:18 PM

thank you, yeah haha, i just reread it and i was like wtf?? cuz i had some grammatical errors, but thank you
   
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cryingangel Offline
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Re: I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 09:19 PM

its really good made me cry


i have a guardian angel watching over me she tells me what to do when i have no clue
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
.Brittany. Offline
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Re: I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 09:24 PM

I really liked it, keep it up!



“You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
kindlyUnspoken Offline
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Re: I Need Feedback - May 8th 2010, 10:04 PM

this is amazing. you are great at projecting what you feel. I'm amazed!
   
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