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Self Expression Poems, stories, artwork and similar creations are great ways to let out your thoughts or feelings. Please share your work with us here!

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lost_chil Offline
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Story I'm writing - March 3rd 2009, 01:28 PM

This is a story i started writing a few days ago! I was just sitting in class and stole some paper from my teacher (SH! xD) And was day dreaming and started writing whatever came to my head, and wel, i think its not TO bad... But i wanna hear what you guys think! I need critiques (I cant spell xD) And any advice! Also... Iam guessing sence there is not a PG13+ porum anymore i have to change my wording on some stuff... Its gets graphic as in like, someone changing and washing themselves, so would i have to change that or is that fine? Hope ya'll like it!


Prelude



“Ashley, look out!” A voice screamed. Then, all of a sudden four black figures surrounded me. I screamed. “Help Me!” Before I had a chance to identify what these creatures were, I was on the ground in pain. One of the figures stabbed me in the chest with a jagged blade and tore down into my flesh, leaving nothing but blood and tears. My shirt, which I received from my great grandmother, was no more.

The fowl creatures tore it off of me. Then, they paused for a second, “Is it her?!” one of the creatures shouted. Then, the one to the left, the leader I guessed nodded. Then there was a loud ear piercing screech throughout the tunnel and they all stepped back. All I could hear was the screeches getting closer and closer as the creatures ran in terror leaving me to die.

As I lay there in terror awaiting my death, I wondered who called my name. It was a voice I did not recognize, that much I was sure of. All of a sudden a huge quake went off and the screeching came to a dead stop. The quiet started to turn my blood cold and I started to hyperventilate.

After I laid there motionless on the cold rock ground I listened carefully to make sure the creature was gone and not coming back. When I decided it was as safe as it was going to get, I realized that staying here was not a good idea. So I staggered to my feet and looked around, getting used to the darkness which they left me in.

As I did a quick glance of the area to check if it was clear I spotted a shiny metal item not too far from where I was standing. I walked up to it, “A blade?!” I whispered to myself. I picked it up with my hands to examine it more; I noticed that it was the same knife that the creatures stabbed me with, my blood still dripping off the blade. I decided not to worry about that, and tucked the knife into my jeans. I then noticed a light coming from one of the tunnels to my right. I dashed to the nearest boulder I could find to hide behind.

As I waited behind the boulder more figures started appearing from the tunnel. “They’re back?!” I screamed inside my head. Then all of a sudden, something comes up and cuffs securely over my mouth, stifling my scream of horror. As the figures got closer and entered this part of the cave they stop for a second. “They must smell my blood, crap!” I whispered to myself again.

After a few seconds, the figures proceeded with more laughter and walked to the next tunnel. The thing across my mouth loosens, and then a deep, low, calm, husky voice said “Ashley, you have to follow me, and stay quiet.” I was about to argue and question how he knew my name, but that was not important, he obviously knew what was going on, because I sure as hell didn’t. So I took his hand without thinking and we started dashing towards a tunnel with absolutely no light.
As we were running I still could not remember anything, or even how I got here, or what I was doing in a place like this. I didn’t know who I was following, just that I trusted him. I then noticed that he through a black cloak over me so I was not half naked, and what never crossed my mind was why the wound did not hurt at all through all this. I was deep in thought and then whispered to him “How am I alive? That wound was huge?!” But he did not respond. I had so many questions, but those could all wait, right now I was too occupied worrying about where the hell I was, and where the hell were we going.

After a few minutes of running he paused for a second. “Hi, my name is Jessie; we don’t really have time for introductions, so listen well.” He said swiftly, than started dashing again. All I could do was nod, which was apparently enough for him because he just continued speaking. “You are in a lot of danger; you have to get out of here. We’re preparing a ritual which should keep you safe for now, until she rips through the seal.” I am not sure what look I had on my face, but I am sure it made me look stupid. I had no idea what he was talking about!

He then continued, “Look Ashley, don’t screw this up, if she gets to you and you’re not ready she’ll kill everyone one of us!” He went up an octave on that last word. And I could see he was holding back tears but that still did not stop him from dragging me faster and faster. We were approaching a clearing and then he stopped dead in his tracks without any effort, while I stumbled and fell. He was still holding my hand so he caught me half way down, thankfully. Then, he tightened his fist and started sobbing as he fell to the ground. He than whispered something I could barely hear, but what I made out was, “It’s too late…” Than he stood up, and said “We have to hurry, we’re running out of time!” Than he grabbed my arm and again, and started dashing to a cave just on the horizon. “Where are we going?” I shouted over the gusts of wind. “Someplace safe, someplace she can’t get you.” I thought about digging for more information but decided now wasn’t the time and let it go. It was probably the best answer I was going to get anyways.

Just as we were reaching the cave Jessie stopped right in his tracks again, and knelt down. Then he said “I am terribly sorry for all this, but there is no time to explain right now, but soon I promise.” Then he started shaking, and a deep, loud, hallow growl was building up inside him. Then he let out a huge roar, and was engulfed in a huge gust of wind. When I looked back Jessie was no longer there, instead was a wolf creature. Where had Jessie gone? Who was this wolf? What’s going on? WHO is coming after me? Why am I here? All these things came back to me, but all I could do was run forward towards the cave Jessie told me to await in. What awaited me I had no idea… But it would not be pleasant or easy. “But I have to find Jessie!” I screamed to myself in tears. So I kept going towards whatever awaited me inside this cave. No matter what, I was not going to stop till I got my questions answered.

When I arrived in the cave it was just a bunch of ruins and old sculptures of mythical creatures. One that caught my eye was the one of this 3-headed dog called Cerberus. I kept walking and came across these huge doors. I decided to go through and figured I was going the right way. As I came through the door I noticed it was very well lit, I also noticed a group of people in white cloaks gathered around the center. I approached them and they all greeted me the same, “We have been waiting for you, Ashley.” “Jessie must have told them my name”, I said in disbelief to myself. None of this can be true. ”You’ve been waiting for me?” I said confused. “Yes, Ashley, we have waited for 300 years for you to come” 300 years?! What?! How is that possible?! I am only 17! “Well, what do you want? What is all going on here? Why am I here? Where is here?! Where is Jessie?!” I was in tears now. “Ma’am, Jessie is fine, he promised he would tell you soon, trust him.” They tried to reassure me. “But as Jessie has said, there is no more time left, we have to hurry to the chamber!”

And with that they picked me up and next thing I knew we were standing in a center of a symbol, than we were in another part of the cave I assumed. “Quick! Put her on the pedestal!” “What’s going on here? Who are you people?! How did we get here?! There are no doors!!” I was screaming at them expecting answers. All of a sudden one of the tiny men picked me up with no effort and put me on the pedestal and gave me a medallion. “Show that to Uncle Seth when you find him! He will be of great help!” Then they were all chanting something in the corner of the room, while I laid there in the center, in confusion. Then my eyes got heavy and I slumped over. I was not in a very dark and cold place, all alone. I kept screaming “Jessie?! Where are you?” In tears, after a while of no one replying I gave up, and wondered where I was. A burst of heat just nailed me like an on-coming bus, and I could see light coming towards me slowly. I could move now, so I got to my feet and stared closer, and noticed that it was a ray of red beaming out of a gate of some kind. Within seconds millions of locusts swarmed out of the gate and I was carried with the beam wherever it was heading. But I would never forget…


*EDIT* Might BUMP every once and a while cuz i REALLY need feed back from you guys so please! Negative comments allowed! I need ALL feed back!*











We May Be Miles Apart. But Your Always Closer To The Moon. And Brighter Than The Stars

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Last edited by lost_chil; March 3rd 2009 at 06:21 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
lost_chil Offline
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Re: Story I'm writing - March 10th 2009, 07:42 PM

*Bump* Would like any feed back at all please











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Re: Story I'm writing - March 10th 2009, 08:16 PM

O hey!, I read this some time ago, and forgot to post. So I will post now. I really liked it, and I am going to plead (yes PLEAD) with you to continue and maybe even write the entire story. It is sort of a pet peeve of mine to be told a part of a grea story (be it a movie, book, play, anything). So, I would really like you to continue. With that said, you really have a great start here, and I am very impressed!


PM me if you ever need anything. I am always around and wanting to help.
   
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lost_chil Offline
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Re: Story I'm writing - March 14th 2009, 10:18 PM

... Bump? I need a few more comments before i post Chapter 1 later on tonight, or if this is just a waste of mine and your time











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Re: Story I'm writing - March 14th 2009, 10:50 PM

Its not a waste of time, keep writing it, its great seriously, i think people will wanna read more!
x
   
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Re: Story I'm writing - March 15th 2009, 12:01 AM

i liked it! i think you should defiantly keep writing


"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."



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between refusal and failure.


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Re: Story I'm writing - March 15th 2009, 01:04 AM

you need a lot more description, perhaps constructing some actual scenes would be good. you should also work on your pacing.
   
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