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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
breathe91 Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 8
Join Date: March 26th 2011

Lightbulb Would appreciate feedback please! Thanks! - March 27th 2011, 09:02 AM

My conscience bleeds freely even without your consent
Good intents and a guilty plea to reinvent your effects.
Of the aftermath, of the please come back
Of the why don't you love me with your innocent act.
Footnotes on an empty page, interchangeable smiles and a prologue of blame
With the remainder left of a one sided affair
A twisted truth with tables turned
Leaves me to think that you were the one burned
A fragile path of broken promises and responsibilities
Loosen intervals and empty apologies
Make your way into my heart and leave me there to bleed
Across a battered path of shattered glass and severed arteries
Your sinister grin sucks up most of your face
As the excuses you conjure fill my stomach to the brim
And life gives you little spaces to create in
With a red marker and you charge me with breaking and entering
You said I got under your skin, sauntered into your head and made you commit sins
Like a knife in your windpipe, you took my breath away
But time moved on and your charm began to fade
Until what was left was a shadow of your former identity
A blank stare, and a heart full of coal
Mocking glares as the pressure mocks my vertigo

The sun goes down and i pray for the dawn to break the night
A little girls life is lost and darkness bleeds for the morning light

An appeal of I'm sorry and this isn't my fault
Bloody hands wiped clean as I'm the scapegoat from this assault
This isn't something you can be redeemed from
Missing parts and open scars leave me to grieve that
I love you with every piece of this body you call a tease
And I want to leave but you're a pantomine, a witch-hunt for truth
You have so many faces, tell me which one is you
And I'll fight for you, ignore the burning storm
And plummet to the core of your evil and we'll mourn together
If it would help, we can tether the choices that made you come to this
And I'll dive into your blood stream and remove what makes you hurt
But maybe i'm too weak to be your cure you're looking for
So sing me a lullaby of reasons why and I'll try to trust of how it was and how it is when
Fowns insists sounds of love amount to this
A pearl necklace with a face of disgrace
A lifeless taste of a love that will never grow beyond this fake heart
At this rate, even heavens gate locks and a purpose unfulfilled is nothing to fear
When stains of blood is hiding within the bed sheets of the past year
And i'll ask you not to lie because sex is a disease that is killing me
But you let me fall from hopes so high, and by grace i'll die on impact
And intact was the broken locket you had given me
A single reminder of a soul that used to sing before you traded in these rusted wings

An impasse in the game of charades, I admire your crooked edges but I wihsed you would change
Through a purpose and a love that runs cold, you fumble with the killers work in a wounded sinner's world
Your lips are a masterpiece, though beauty's just a surface, you're more than skin deep
You're a wolf beneath sheep's clothes and with wishful thinking I chose the route of being sold
And believe me, if I could make you happy with an axe, I'd bleed
With bloody hands, I'd cleanse these festering wounds inside of you with helping hands and a posion IV
So you toiled with me and my face rearranged through an exchange of misery, I live to give a piece of myself away until I evanesce completely.
And this is just a hopeless motion to show you even graffiti is art, and I can't fix you but I can lead you away from the darkness within your heart.

You're never sober when the ropes are velvet, and your breath dies down til you escaped the pain; I can't escape what I thought I was supposed to help with deadened cries and foul play.

And it's inscribed in the vinyl, it's home of the livid
I try to grace every omen and praise the moments that I live in.

But regardless of your irrational savagery, the sun will rise and the night will paint the morning sky. And I was stripped of the pain when cuts became the escape I liked.

Dum Spiro Spero - While I breathe, I hope
Alis Volat Propriis - She flies with her own wings
Et Lux in Tenebris Lucet - And the light shines in the darkness
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Hiraeth Offline
Glorious raindrops
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Location: who knows anymore

Posts: 699
Join Date: October 24th 2010

Re: Would appreciate feedback please! Thanks! - March 27th 2011, 05:33 PM

Was this intended to be a rap? It reads incredibly well as one.

I'm slightly at a loss for what to say at the moment, but you make great use of imagery, and definitely rhythm.

A lifeless taste of a love that will never grow beyond this fake heart
At this rate, even heavens gate locks and a purpose unfulfilled is nothing to fear

And intact was the broken locket you had given me
A single reminder of a soul that used to sing before you traded in these rusted wings

My favourite lines. I really appreciate your sharing.

"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
  Send a message via Skype™ to Hiraeth 
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ali Baba Offline
Honesty, Loyalty, Respect.
Junior TeenHelper
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Name: Alexandra
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Ireland

Posts: 258
Join Date: August 23rd 2010

Re: Would appreciate feedback please! Thanks! - March 27th 2011, 08:05 PM

Wow, that's very deep. There is clearly quite a lot of pain behind it, but I think that always makes for better poetry. It's really, really great. You should post more of your poetry on here cause it really is good. I love that the rhyming scheme isn't perfect either, some rhyme and some don't..I always love that in a poem. Keep it up!!
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Evanescent Offline
Love Is The Movement
I've been here a while
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Name: Nicole (Nikki)
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 1,697
Blog Entries: 6
Join Date: January 29th 2009

Re: Would appreciate feedback please! Thanks! - March 28th 2011, 04:25 AM

This is beautiful, very emotional, very painful, but beautiful.

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
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