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Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
* 
Name: Anthony
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 21
Join Date: April 12th 2011
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My Love -
February 3rd 2012, 09:13 PM
Just a poem a threw together last night..
Ah! My love for you is strong, In your face, such beauty I see, I desire to talk to you forever, Your smile gives me joy when it I see, I hunger* to dance with kisses upon you forever, Though I know that it is wrong. But my love is like a summer rain, glorious when it exists, but the rain passes, and, slowly, is forgotten. *I'm not sure about 'hunger', I'm thinking maybe 'wish' or 'desire' |
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I've been here a while
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Name: Rachel
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Location: leaving the stage in the middle of a song (Michigan)
Posts: 1,629
Join Date: July 22nd 2011
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Re: My Love -
February 3rd 2012, 09:35 PM
I really like this. It is really sweet. Great job.
 I got off track I've made mistakes Back slid my way to that place where souls get lost lines get crossed and the pain won't go away. R.I.P. Tatyana Sawka June 20, 1998- April 9, 2012 |
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New Account
 Average Joe *** 
Name: Kylie
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Location: United States
Posts: 136
Join Date: January 2nd 2012
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Re: My Love -
February 4th 2012, 01:01 AM
Very nice poem! It is incredibly sweet and touching!
 As for that one line, I'm thinking that "wish" would fit a bit better -- "I wish to dance with kisses upon you forever." I think 'hunger' is used a little out of context there, and "desire" might sound slightly off with the alliteration ("desire to dance"). Unless, of course, you like it! Keep up the good work!!    My DeviantArt [Originally Joined: April 2010 Staff Member Since: June 2010] LGBT Forum Mod Self-Expression Forum Mod Live Help Operator |
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