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Feel bad for leaving home - March 9th 2018, 08:26 AM

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I'm 18 in a few weeks, I'm from Ireland and i left my parents home on Monday (mum is a narc and my dad goes along with it) it was emotional abuse, it was going on for a few years and I had to go.

My younger bro (16) still lives there and i miss him so much. We are so close and we'd never be a day apart, being with him helped my depression so much and now that im not with him anymore i feel physically sick

I actually seen my younger bro yesterday, i moved in with my older brother and we went out for a walk yesterday and my brother just said 'hi' then he started trying to fight with my older bro (our mum practically divided the whole family, my younger bro is told to tell him to 'f off'and he actually said to him 'im not supposed to be talking to you' and walked away. I never got to talk to him. I feel like cr*p

My mum rang me a few times saying' WHY DID YOU LEAVE? YOU LEFT YOUR BROTHER HERE WITH NOBODY NOW. WHY ARE YOU LIVING OVER THERE NOW? she also tried to meet me in town but i declined and i felt so bad but i just couldnt. Im sick of her mind games.

I tried to respect my parents, i really did, i'd do anything for them. My older bro and sis said they went through the same thing with my parents. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

I'm currently looking for work and trying to get into college.

I barely eat anymore and take panic attacks quite regularly. I don't feel right and i dont think life is worth it anymore. Help?[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]
   
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Re: Feel bad for leaving home - March 9th 2018, 12:02 PM

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]First of all, you should not feel bad for leaving. You were obviously in a horrible situation and noone deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form. You have done what any sane person would do by removing yourself from the situation as soon as possible.

Making decisions for yourself can be hard. You know what's best for you, but it might not be what's best for others in your life and that often leads to guilt. I've been there so many times. But you have to just keep reminding yourself that this is your life and sometimes you just have to prioritise your own happiness and health. That's okay. It sounds rather negative, but ultimately you have to remember that it's you that has to walk down the paths you carve, nobody else, and you are the only person that is guaranteed to always be in your life. Relationships often end, friends come and go, and even families fall out and lose touch (as you are experiencing first hand right now). You're the only person that will definitely always be in your world, so focusing on your own happiness isn't selfish or wrong, it's what we sometimes have to do.

In terms of worrying about your brother, perhaps you can keep in touch with him as often as possible so he doesn't feel so alone if you are concerned for him? Is there anyway, that now your older brother is away from the family's influence you could convince him to try and talk to your brother again and improve the relationship? If it's possible, then perhaps your brother could come and visit you two and weekends and things so that he can also have some space from the situation and you won't have to worry and miss him as much?

In terms of your feelings and your panic attacks, I'd strongly recommend talking to a doctor or counsellor about it. It sounds to me like you might be struggling with anxiety. Talking therapy and medication could help you. I'd also suggest talking with someone else you trust about it to get support in the mean time. I'm not sure what your relationship with your older brother is like at the moment but maybe you could speak to him?

Take care.
Good luck.
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Re: Feel bad for leaving home - March 10th 2018, 03:13 AM

Hey,

You said your mom is a narc and so I am assuming you mean narcissistic. I hope that isn't the wrong assumption but one thing to remember is that abusive people are really good at playing people and part of that can be turning people against each other for their own gain. Since you moved out your mom can no longer control you. She can only control your brother and your dad. Right now your brother might feel like he has to defend her or fight with all of you for his own safety or he might not fully understand what your mom is like. It is likely he will eventually figure it out.

My mom was similar. I don't know if she actually had Narcissist Personality Disorder or just Narcissistic tendencies but she would play my siblings against me. She would intentionally make them think that she was amazingly close and kind to me and that she catered to me. Behind closed doors she was really abusive. There were plenty of reasons she did this but it was easier to control and harm all of us by dividing us. It was me against my brothers and a lot of that was because of her.

It took me a long time to really understand her abuse. My brother's are only really coming to terms with the fact that she was quite abusive towards me but they realized a long time ago that she was manipulative. I think they realized that sooner than I did.

So, I guess what I am trying to say by telling you all this is that it might take time but your brother will likely acknowledge the truth about your mom. Just like your other siblings he will have to deal with the outcome but he will, hopefully, have you to support him when that happens.

While I understand you feel guilty about leaving your brother it sounds like the environment was not healthy and you needed to leave for your own well-being. You didn't betray your brother by leaving. You had to take care of yourself. Also, the fact that you left might help your brother to walk away one day too. It might take him longer than you but seeing you leave and seeing the accomplishments you make and seeing your life improve might end up helping him acknowledge how damaging your mother is. Sometimes people learn from example so seeing you leave might end up helping him as he gets older, you know?

You can't take care of everyone. It would be great if it were possible but sometimes you have to take care of yourself.


Please take care and if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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