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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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Question Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 14th 2012, 10:10 AM

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So, I've been having an issue when attempting to have sex with my girlfriend. She has her own set of issues (including anxiety about sex, a tendency to tense up whenever we attempt sex, and a (we think) smaller-than-average vaginal opening), and I have an issue of my own. This has, so far, prevented us from having sex very often.

Whenever I attempt to actually penetrate her, my penis becomes soft almost instantly. I've tried this many, many times, and almost every single time, it happens. Her vagina is very tight, so I need a very firm penis to enter, which completely shuts down our attempt at lovemaking. I've never had this problem at any other time, other than attempting vaginal penetration. Oral sex, handjobs, masturbation, even cuddling or making out can cause me to have a long-lasting, sustained erection. But attempting to enter her vagina causes instant "wet noodle syndrome."

I've never had vaginal sex with anyone but her, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this stems, in part, from the fact that I just do not find vaginas attractive. The rest of the female form, sure, but vaginas just don't do it for me at all. If it helps, I'm openly bisexual and have never attempted anal sex with any partner, male or female, including her.

Does anyone have any idea why I can't maintain an erection in this one specific circumstance, or better yet, a suggestion as to how to fix it? We've tried using a cock ring in the past, which she says helps, but I haven't really noticed an improvement in my success rate.
   
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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 14th 2012, 10:33 AM

I would recommend that she do a lot more fingering and Kegal exercises to help her own opening be more easily penetrable. Have you tried using more lubricant, and having lots of foreplay before? My own partner has trouble going straight from a regular day to putting a penis inside me, there needs to be some foreplay, looking at the beautiful human form, and going into it slowly. It also helps me be more lubricated.

I also want to let you know, vaginal sex isn't everything. If you guys are happy together, and are happy doing other forms of pleasure, who cares? As long as you can both work out sexual releases and are happy at the level you get to, don't feel pressured by society to do certain things both of you have anxiety about. Other forms of sex can sometimes be as stimulating and just as fun as the plain ol' vaginal intercourse.


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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 15th 2012, 08:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
Other forms of sex can sometimes be as stimulating and just as fun as the plain ol' vaginal intercourse.
As our more than three years of dating and sexual intimacy have taught us, they sure can. But we're both really interested in being able to have vaginal sex too. The anxiety is a thing she wants to conquer, not embrace.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
I would recommend that she do a lot more fingering and Kegal exercises to help her own opening be more easily penetrable.
That's a good suggestion. I almost never penetrate her with my fingers (she usually finds this painful or unpleasant), but it might help to attempt this gently to get her body used to it. I'll talk to her about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
Have you tried using more lubricant, and having lots of foreplay before? My own partner has trouble going straight from a regular day to putting a penis inside me, there needs to be some foreplay, looking at the beautiful human form, and going into it slowly. It also helps me be more lubricated.
We definitely use a lot of lubricant, and lots of foreplay. That helps to loosen her up a bit. I've never noticed any difference for myself, though, even with tons of foreplay. No matter how excited or aroused I am, that moment where I attempt to penetrate her just makes it go limp. It's a pretty un-erotic action - trying to thrust it awkwardly inside.



A note about my body: I have a very curved penis, which makes me wonder if that could be having an effect on our ability to have sex. I'm not sure how common or rare that is, but if anyone knows anything about this, I'd love to hear if you think that might be getting in the way.



On another note, I don't have experience with any other womens' vaginas, so I'm not sure what's normal. Sounds silly to ask questions like this, but that's why I'm on an anonymous forum online, heh. So here goes:

  1. Is it weird if I'm not actually seeing an "opening?" We've managed, on rare occasions in the past, to actually have sex, so I know I'm putting it in the right place. But is it strange that it's not a visible "hole?"
  2. In vaginal sex, is it usually just a matter of slipping it inside and going to town? Or do most guys need to carefully line it up, hold it in place, and push until it goes in?
   
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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 15th 2012, 08:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by terminallyCapricious View Post
I almost never penetrate her with my fingers (she usually finds this painful or unpleasant), but it might help to attempt this gently to get her body used to it. I'll talk to her about that.
This can be done by her as well. If you are to do it, make sure your fingernails are clean, you go in slowly, and that you communicate with her for what she is comfortable with. But penetrating herself helps too, even away from you, to get herself more used to her body, and fingering with you can help you further learn the shape of her vaginal opening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by terminallyCapricious View Post
A note about my body: I have a very curved penis, which makes me wonder if that could be having an effect on our ability to have sex. I'm not sure how common or rare that is, but if anyone knows anything about this, I'd love to hear if you think that might be getting in the way.
I really can't answer this, since I am female, and really don't know about the variety of penis shape. If anybody with more knowledge of the male anatomy would like to answer, that'd be great. I think most penises have a bit of a curve. I'm not sure how much different yours is from a regular one. This might be something to bring up with a doctor.

Quote:
Originally Posted by terminallyCapricious View Post
  1. Is it weird if I'm not actually seeing an "opening?" We've managed, on rare occasions in the past, to actually have sex, so I know I'm putting it in the right place. But is it strange that it's not a visible "hole?"
Well, I'd honestly not expect that she has shown you her vagina well. Have you guys had a fun "let's look at our anatomy" party? The vaginal canal is not the easiest to find, it's below the vulva area, and is sealed together by muscles and mucus to protect it from diseases. But if you look, you'll find it. If she's not shaved, that also might hide it a bit more. If she doesn't, I wouldn't suggest she start because that'd just be another complication, but it might make it a bit more hidden.
Quote:
Originally Posted by terminallyCapricious View Post
  • In vaginal sex, is it usually just a matter of slipping it inside and going to town? Or do most guys need to carefully line it up, hold it in place, and push until it goes in?
Um, yes and no? I can't give you much more tips on this, other then experimentation. Try and see what works for you. It honestly takes a while to master a lot of this, it's not a natural skill you're born with, it takes communication. My partner and I took a while to figure out each other's bodies and further preferences. We still discover new things. It's a curse and a gift.

Few more things. Are you using a condom? This could be causing a few different things, depending on what your answer is. And two, this is a bit personal, but honestly, do you fantasize about vaginal intercourse? Is this something you wish to master, or is it something she is more interested in? I think a lot of this might be psychological on your part.


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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 15th 2012, 10:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
This can be done by her as well. If you are to do it, make sure your fingernails are clean, you go in slowly, and that you communicate with her for what she is comfortable with. But penetrating herself helps too, even away from you, to get herself more used to her body, and fingering with you can help you further learn the shape of her vaginal opening.
Ok. I know she's done a bit of this herself. She's also talked to a doctor who recommended she get a toy or something to help herself loosen up down there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
I really can't answer this, since I am female, and really don't know about the variety of penis shape. If anybody with more knowledge of the male anatomy would like to answer, that'd be great. I think most penises have a bit of a curve. I'm not sure how much different yours is from a regular one. This might be something to bring up with a doctor.
It's REALLY curved. I've seen a lot of other penises (we have a lot of parties where people end up naked - I have an interesting social life) both hard and soft, and nobody's is curved like mine. It's not something that bothers me, everyone's "stuff" looks different, and mine's no exception. Just wondering if that's what might be in the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
Well, I'd honestly not expect that she has shown you her vagina well. Have you guys had a fun "let's look at our anatomy" party? The vaginal canal is not the easiest to find, it's below the vulva area, and is sealed together by muscles and mucus to protect it from diseases. But if you look, you'll find it. If she's not shaved, that also might hide it a bit more. If she doesn't, I wouldn't suggest she start because that'd just be another complication, but it might make it a bit more hidden.
I've had plenty of opportunity to look at it, just not sure what I'm looking for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
Few more things. Are you using a condom? This could be causing a few different things, depending on what your answer is.
Yes, we always have used a condom. AND she's on the pill.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revolution View Post
And two, this is a bit personal, but honestly, do you fantasize about vaginal intercourse? Is this something you wish to master, or is it something she is more interested in? I think a lot of this might be psychological on your part.
Yeah, that's another thing I'm wondering about. To be honest I don't fantasize about sex hardly at all. I have a sexual fetish (the details of which aren't relevant to this issue), which is what I find most erotic. I often find myself fantasizing about that instead of sex, even when doing something sexual with her.

We're both very interested in doing it - in the past when we've succeeded at it, it's been very pleasurable for both of us, and it's a kind of intimacy we enjoy. It's erotic once I'm inside, basically. Just very hard to get there.
   
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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 28th 2012, 07:36 AM

You should try fingering her or has she ever used a dildo, I never have but I think that would probably help, and you should try anal and see if you can have that type of intercourse. Just sayin
   
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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 28th 2012, 05:39 PM

Good advice has already been given, but in regards to your questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by terminallyCapricious View Post
  1. Is it weird if I'm not actually seeing an "opening?" We've managed, on rare occasions in the past, to actually have sex, so I know I'm putting it in the right place. But is it strange that it's not a visible "hole?"
  1. No. It doesn't look like a gaping cavern, if that's what you mean. :P The vagina is elastic-y muscle which can be moved/pushed back when something is put inside, but it doesn't look like a hole from the outside.

    Quote:
    In vaginal sex, is it usually just a matter of slipping it inside and going to town? Or do most guys need to carefully line it up, hold it in place, and push until it goes in?
No, contrary to what you see in the movies, one of you generally has to guide it in, often with a hand.


If you say that it's fine when you're actually inside her and you get going, maybe you flop because you're subconsciously a little scared of hurting her?? The others have given good advice about how you guys can try and make things easier ~ although I know myself it is easier said than done when you have problems with tightness ~ and maybe when sex/penetration seems like it won't hurt her or make her uncomfortable, you might find it easier to stay hard. I'd say all you can do really is keep practising, lube is a big help as well. Slightly thinner condoms might also help the sensation??


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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 29th 2012, 12:54 AM

Okay, well, there's a lot of dandy advice here but you already mentioned that vaginas don't do it for you. I don't know what to tell you, bud.
   
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Re: Can't stay hard for vaginal intercourse - May 29th 2012, 05:07 PM

Having a curved penis, while not common, isn't that unusual either. I don't think it has anything to do with losing your erection.

The vaginal opening is often obscured by soft tissue so it's not unusual not to be able to see it right away. If you poke around you'll find it.

It's common to have to enter a little at a time, in stages, to let her relax and for you to spread around her natural lubrication. Since she's small it's more important.

She knows you're having trouble, so talk to her about it. It's important to be as honest as you possibly can and ask her to help you with it. You'll be glad you did.

Use another method besides condoms. They're notorious for causing loss of erection.

Lie beside her and put your dick up against her vulva and rub her with the top of it. You can even give her an orgasm that way and your dick stays hard. Don't try to get it in the first couple of times but get your ejaculation some other way. That takes the pressure off yourself to perform.

Change your frame of mind about her genital area. All girls look like that. It's her's and you love her so get used to it. Explore it, touch it, lick it if you're doing oral and tell her it's cute. Tell yourself that. Find her vaginal opening with your fingers and have a look. It's her most intimate part and she's letting you in there. Lucky you!


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