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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
NorthernPike Offline
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Unhappy I really can't do this anymore... - September 25th 2015, 12:30 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am reaching out to the people at teenhelp today, because i really cannot keep dealing with this anymore. So let's start with this: Hi, my name is Zach! I am 17 years old and i live in the United States. I am currently a senior in HS.

The truth is, i don't actually know the truth to anything anymore. Everything is so confusing, and i don't feel the same as i used too. I'm not happy anymore. Now the story begins 3 years ago, when i found PMO. "PMO" is going to be used as the name for Pornography, Masturbation, and Orgasm. Anyways, this is around the time i discovered these things. Now, first of all PMO pretty much ruined my life, and i'm not exactly sure why i feel this certain way but i do. Let me explain. When i Masturbate, with our without porn (which i have strongly condemned thoughout my life as degrading towards women) i end up feeling extremely guilty afterwards. Like really badly to the point where i hate myself. I end up feeling tired and incredibly lazy. To the point where i want to do nothing and nothing at all. Next is the fact that i have a HORRIBLE, nasty, rude, awful and just plain evil and mean attitude after i masturbate. And the most concerning is why after PMO i lose ALL interest in ALL the things i love such as Football, Hockey, Food, Talking to friends, And i cannot pay attention whatsoever afterwards. Its like it blocks me from doing and watching the things i love as if they are "tainted" from my doing of PMO. Now i'm also a Christian, which makes this a religious deal too. But thats the small part of it. I wish i could go back to loving the things i do, but i hate myself for lusting and looking at girls the way i do. I want a girl because i want to love her, hug her, protect her, and treat her like she is my everything. Which brings me to my next thing,

Relationships! My only experience in relationships is online! Its sad. Im like the only senior in HS that has not ever kissed, or had a REAL girlfriend before. I got hurt badly online by many girls and it was my fault because i knew it would end up happening. I hurt many girls too... and i feel AWFUL for it. But its the past and i have to move on. You may ask "If you know to move on, then why dont you just do it?" Well... my mind is insane. Its like there is a brick wall in my way. My mind and thoughts tell me the most false and dumb things ever. Now i have to say i am not a positive person. I just live. I dont really have any self-confidence whatsoever and i start lots of drama for no reason. So there's this thought that has been bothering me for the last few weeks. My mind tells me "I'm gay" when i am 100% not gay and have never been attracted towards ANY guys. For some reason, i keep telling myself and saying "false, thats not true" but my mind keeps going back to it. It is preventing me from actually being happy, and knowing my PMO problem just makes it worse. I honestly can't even be out in public anymore because i dont know what to think of anyone and i just stare and obsess over any actions. Its like i dont know how to live anymore. I feel so much different than just a month ago.... i dont know what happened, but i want to commit suicide and have been having suicidal thoughts for the past 2 weeks because of all this. I honestly just want to be happy again. I cant do this and i dont know where to turn. :'-( im scared and im dying inside and im starting to ignore all my friends and everything. Im giving up. I cry at night. Idk what to do. :'-( im just sorry... pls help me...
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RollTheBones Offline
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Re: I really can't do this anymore... - September 25th 2015, 01:59 AM

Hey there,

Have you tried seeking professional help? I know that it could probably seem very difficult or embarrassing to do, but there are definitely people out there who have a lot of training in helping out others with issues like these. A professional counselor might have more suggestions for you.

If you don't feel comfortable going to a professional for help, I recommend that you try to come to the root of why masturbation and porn makes you feel so upset. I know that you mentioned guilt a lot, which leads me to think that you have a moral objection to it. It seems like the reason it makes you feel so badly is because you are not OK with it in principle. No one here on Teenhelp can tell you what you should think about "PMO", as you put it, so that is something that you must decide for yourself. Although it has been shown that masturbation is a natural thing to do and it is beneficial to the human body, and many people do it on a regular basis, you need to decide if it's something that you believe is OK or not.

If you come to the conclusion that it is OK, then don't feel guilty about it.

If you decide that it is not something you want to do, then try to focus on other activities that DO make you happy. Make an effort to see your friends and family so that you are distracted by the happy times you share with them. Try to find the good things in life that make it worthwhile to you. Stick to the people you love and who love you.

As for your relationship problems, I just want to tell you that you are not alone. Although it may seem that everyone else you know has had more experience with that than you have, there are other people out there who are in the same boat as you (I am one of them). Try not to stress too much about it; your time will come. Channel your energy into trying to form solid friendships with people, rather than worrying about the fact that you haven't had a "real girlfriend". Also, if other people are giving you a hard time about it, IGNORE THEM AND WALK AWAY. Your true friends do not care about your level of dating experience. Believe it or not, there are also other girls out there who DON'T CARE about your level of experience, either. There are people who love you for who you are, and people who will not judge you based on such a surface-level trait.

Again, please try to seek professional help. That is the best way for you to start feeling better. Try to make the most of your senior year and don't dwell on the bad feelings.

Think about it like you're taking a photograph with an old-fashioned camera: you can't necessarily control the subject of the shot, but you can choose which lens you want to use to capture it. You have the ability to pick your attitude about all of these different situations, and even about life in general. The end result just depends on how you decide to look at it.

Take care and best wishes to you,

"In a world where I feel so small, I can't stop thinking big"
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