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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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Jess~ Offline
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Can't climax during sex.. - January 30th 2017, 01:44 AM

I "lost my virginity" last year in March, due to a rape. The first time I had consensual sex was later that year in September.
Since then I've had a total of two sexual partners (of course not counting the rapist) and had sex with them both for a total of about 20-30 times.

I haven't climaxed a single time during any of those sexual encounters.

I've definitely come close, sure, but I don't know why I can never go all the way.
In a way, it's almost like my body shuts down during sex and I really can't feel much. The only time I really "feel" anything is when it hurts, like if he's thrusting so hard that it hits my cervix and causes me to feel a lot of pressure. I like the feeling, so the issue isn't that it's hurting me, but I just wish I could feel without it being so rough 100% of the time.
For example, when he slows it down, from what I've heard and read, it's supposed to feel good... but I just don't feel anything. And the constant roughness can tire us both out pretty quickly.

When my sexual partner touches me in certain places, even just breasts or nipples, I still don't feel anything except when he causes pain on them.
But I've found that when I touch myself on my own, I feel everything.
This makes me feel bad, because I've told him I don't feel sensitive in certain areas (like the nipples) when in actuality, I do. Just not when I'm with someone else.

What hurts to think about is that I'll never know for sure if this is because of the rape. Because I have really nothing to compare this to before that happened, except for the minor things I did with the rapist guy. (We were friends with benefits for awhile before it happened, but we had a strict agreement of oral only, and nothing farther.) And I really don't like thinking about doing stuff with him.
Now that I do think about it, I believe I was a lot more receptive to pleasure before it happened, just he was too selfish a person to actually spend a long time trying to make me climax. So even though I never came with him, I definitely felt something.

Now I just don't.

So I think part of the problem is probably from the rape, and I have no idea how to fix that. The more comfortable I get with my current partner and the more I start to like him, I think the better we are with each other in bed.

But whenever he tries to rub my clit or something, he just does it so rough that it hurts and almost feels too good that it's painful. I've told him not to do it so rough but he was just like, "But you like it rough." because he can obviously see that I don't respond unless he's going really rough.

And it just sucks, because it's like I'm shaping my sex life to be this way. It's not my fault I don't feel anything, but I don't know how else to react when I can't feel anything.
idk if that makes sense.

Also, in my first relationship with the rapist, it was all about him because, like I said, he was extremely selfish. I actually used to be a hella dominant person, and could never see myself being submissive in bed. Until he made me that way. He would always hit me because I could never make him cum. (Little did I know, I wasn't actually the problem... the problem was he was too dry to cum after fucking 6 other girls I didn't know he was cheating on me with, every day.) He would always force me to suck his dick when I didn't want to, when would never spend more than a couple seconds returning the favor on me.
I guess I just kind of learned, since I would obviously never cum because he would never let me, I could only get as much pleasure as possible out of trying to please him. It's fucked up, but it's just how I learned to have sex I guess.
And then the rape made that all so much worse.

So I guess I've just learned to put the guy first, and I think, even though I don't want it to be that way, that's how I act so my sexual partners have just adapted to that and expected to be the main ones being pleased.

With my current sexual partner, the first time we had sex I was only on top for a few minutes. Now, there have been times where we've had sex and I've only been on top. And I don't think it's because he's a selfish guy, I just think it's because of the way I've learned to treat sex.

I very well could try to turn it around and ask him for things, but I just don't even know how to do that. I feel like I've kind of lost my voice. If something hurts to the point where it's unbearable, I just take it. I might try to get away, but I won't say stop. Because I've learned that words like "stop" and "no" mean nothing. In fact if they mean anything, it's just "keep going" and "yes".
The time I feel the most pleasure during sex is from getting head, but my current partner has only eaten me out once. And even though I want it, I don't know how to ask. And when I say that, I mean I really can't even find the right words and be able to say them clearly and loudly enough to be heard. I've tried, but I just mumble. Like I literally can't have a voice anymore.

It's sad but I think I've just kind of accepted that my only source of pleasure is going to come from seeing how much I'm pleasing my partner. Even now that I know it wasn't my fault I couldn't bring my first partner to climax, I still see that as some kind of validation. Like maybe I'm not so terrible in bed as I've been taught to feel like I am.
I just wish I could be normal.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: Can't climax during sex.. - January 31st 2017, 04:00 PM

It's really normal for those with vulvas to not climax from penile/vaginal sex. Most of your nerve endings are in your vulva and your clitoris, not in your vaginal walls. There are some, but not that many. Most of the pleasure you get from sex comes from the rubbing of the vulva on the partner. So what you're experiencing is pretty normal.

I'd really try different communication tactics with your partner to help you both find positions that work better for you, or request other activities (such as oral) rather than feeling obligated to only please him. Sex is still enjoyable (the feeling of fullness you describe) so it's fine to do that for him, but you deserve an equitable (or at least more equitable) division of pleasure-it's perfectly acceptable to request what you want! Most partners want to please the other person, you said it yourself that you don't think he's selfish, so even if it's a bit awkward at first, communicate what feels good! Tell him what you prefer, and if you're still learning, ask him about experimenting to find positions that feel better, or utilizing toys to stimulate other parts during sex.

I'd also consider having a conversation with him about your past with assault and that it's difficult for you to communicate "no" and "slow down." Assuming that he's a good person, he'd want to know that, and he'd want to be able to help you through these situations and ensure what no actually means no (or establishing a safe word to mean that).

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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Re: Can't climax during sex.. - February 2nd 2017, 07:22 AM

I realize that the only way I'll be able to tell him how to help me out is if I communicate with him, but what I was saying was that I literally don't know how to do that. I seriously feel like I don't have a voice, and when I do try to talk it's like I physically am unable to.
I'm guessing that just comes with comfort, but I really don't even know how to start that conversation.

And yes, we've talked about the rape. He actually was raped as well, which has given us something to bond over, in a screwed up kind of way. It's just reassuring that someone else knows exactly how I feel, and that we have each other for support.
I do want to tell him more about the details, like how the effects of it were amplified due to it being with a person who was also abusive to me and that I was a virgin and stuff like that. I'll try to talk to him about the rape.
Thanks for the advice.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
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