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TH Anonymous Offline
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Difficulties moving on from ex - October 23rd 2018, 02:32 AM

[SIZE="a"]There are a lot of things my ex partner did that were unforgivable and I am so glad I don't have to put up with it anymore. However, this was a person who helped me work through a lot sexually and they were the first person to actually work with me and put in effort to making sex enjoyable for me too. This person is the only partner I've had who made me climax.
Besides all the personal stuff, the sex was just plain amazing, the best I've ever had, and it's honestly what I'll miss the most. The temptation to hit them up for a booty call is so strong, so I'll go on dating/hookup apps to try and distract myself. But after hooking up with a couple new people, it just all feels terrible. The experiences were severely disappointing and the sex was so bad I still cringe just thinking about it. I'm afraid that nobody else will ever care about my pleasure and learning about my body the way that my ex did. I'm also pretty scared that I'll just never have such great sex again.
I'm assuming this fear isn't very rational but that doesn't make it any less of a worry. Sometimes it's enough to make me want to reconsider things with my ex. Is there anything I can do to help get over this?[/size]
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Re: Difficulties moving on from ex - October 24th 2018, 05:18 AM

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry to hear that. Rest assured, there are other people out there who will care about your pleasure.

The trouble with hook up apps is people are going for THEIR pleasure, not for yours. It isn't realistic to expect a hook up to care for your pleasure the way a partner would. Also, a partnership takes time. I internalized a lot of anxiety about sexual performance from some of my previous partners. My current partner has been excellent at helping me get over that anxiety so I can fully enjoy sex. But it took a few weeks for me to get there. But she was willing to work with me and now things are great!

This will get better. Break ups suck. There're lots of people out there. You'll find yours. Keep hunting but be persistent. It is possible to find good sex and a good relationship.

I've also heard of people going on a sex break after a break-up in order to prevent themselves from constantly comparing their new partners to their old one. So there's another thought...

Good luck!

Just keep fighting

"If you're going through hell..... keep going."

"There comes a moment in everyone's life when you must choose between resentment and joy. To be free again, joy must mean more to you than vengeance... Forgiveness is the best revenge, because when you forgive, it sets you free."


Can we find ethical insights from Lord of the Rings? You betcha!
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olegtera1 Offline
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Re: Difficulties moving on from ex - November 9th 2018, 10:46 AM

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Latte Offline
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Re: Difficulties moving on from ex - November 9th 2018, 08:27 PM

I think Alex (blueraider0) has a good point; a lot of the times, when people are seeking out connections for hookups via apps, you risk the sex being not as good because the incentive for it to be a mutually rewarding experience with someone who's essentially a stranger just isn't there.

You said your ex helped you with a lot of issues and helped you have a better sexual experience. My guess is that not a lot of people going onto these dating apps are going to take the time to guide you in the same way (for a lack of better words), if they even know that that's a thing you've been working on.

Not to mention that women in particular are more likely to have trouble with desire and pleasure during sex. Sorry if you're not a woman, but some of this can affect men too so bear with me. Any ways, so the thing is that it sounds like you had a very intimate relationship with your ex. It was more than just good sex, it was the fact that you were probably also very vulnerable with him and he was great at helping you grow into your sexuality.

There are 2 scenarios I see here. One is what I already mentioned; on dating apps, if people are looking for hookups, the emotional side isn't the same, and the investment isn't the same, and you might be having trouble connecting with people who are just in it for themselves even if you are also just in it for yourself. Two is that you need that connection and it's not coming from the person who you really want it to come from, it's not just that you're not likely to get it from a dating app hook up, you're also hurting because it's not the right person and, women in particular tend to experience sexual difficulties when such factors arise.

I'm not saying to stop hooking up, I'm just trying to challenge you to think about what the first relationship is providing you that these hook ups are not. You mention the great sex, but what specifically made the sex great for you, because that'll be different for all of us. And maybe reevaluate based on that.

I hope this helps.
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