Triggering (Abuse): i did something bad as a kid

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]IM STARTING MY POST WITH A WARNING: i will be discussing COCSA, an eating disorder, and, briefly, pedophilia, as well as harm/gore, if you don't like that please don't report my post, just click away. I need help, okay? Thank you.

Hey guys, so I'm a girl but, I'm like a major tomboy and I've always been obsessed with like, the concept of "boy", I don't know what it is, but I've crossdressed my entire life and even considered taking cross sex hormones at one point, I've always had a fascination with things associated with young boys and I put a lot of effort into looking like one, developed some weird thing with food trying to get to a certain weight to look more boyish, I've always had a fascination as well with male genitals and boys underwear. I guess it's like a fetish. So far, not bad, right? It gets worse.
Additionally, I've struggled on and off with sexual attraction to young cartoon boys, or envisioning myself as these boys (this is called shotacon) (nothing ILLEGAL, no nude images, always clothed, just, it's still concerning to me). This can go to the extent where, since I am an artist, I'll draw young boys, mostly in swimwear (never nude, nothing illegal, STRESSING THAT), getting hurt or hurting themselves, lots of blood, gore and guts, deep cuts. I like to draw them before and after some horrific abuse. I've stopped drawing for my own good... but i find it concerning, that i was drawing that stuff.

NOW:
This is all background information. So far, not bad, right? IT STILL GETS WORSE.
I won't go into detail for my own safety, but
I believe something was pyschologically wrong with me from a very early age, maybe from birth.

When i was around 4-6, and later, 8-9, I would molest boys my age or slightly younger. I knew it was wrong. I did it out of lust, pure lust. NOT curiosity or anything innocent like that. I targeted boys weaker than me and made sure they didn't say a word. I was caught at 9, and never did it again.

and I was never sexually abused, I did have a string of sexual relationships with older men, but that was after I molested these boys, so it doesn't explain it.
I had a normal puberty at age 10-11, so early puberty doesn't explain it.

ALL I WANT is to understand why i did it.... like, how is it possible for a 4 or 5 year old to experience sexual lust?? to abuse, without having been abused? especially a female? is it common and I just don't know??
is there some pyschological attatchment I've formed to this concept of young boys, in my mind?
how can such an attatchment present itself in a FOUR year old??

if anyone knows any books I could read pertaining to COCSA when the perpetrator hasn't had abuse occur, I would really appreciate the names of those books,
or just any sexual pyschologist's books that may pertain to my situation?? maybe like, Freud or Jung??
I am not open to seeing a therapist, however I would like to resolve my questions by understanding this subject matter more.

i have been coping well, i stopped self harming, i got a boyfriend just a year older than me, he knows about this, he still loves me
i have an american girl doll modified to look like a little boy, he is my buddy :3[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through!



This is a chart outlining some of the sexual behavior in children that is considered "normal" vs "not normal." I don't know where your behaviors fall on this chart because you can't describe graphic details, but it is possible that some of the way you acted could actually be considered normal based on this chart. The whole website where this chart can be found here. It does list some red flag behaviors like adults not being able to redirect your behavior or imitating acts seen by adults.

A lot of the information I am finding DOES talk about things like curiosity-type behaviors, though. I don't know if we can ever really get at a "why," especially for when you were 4-5, because you were so young. It's hard to really remember what happened at that age.

I'm talking in general here, but females CAN be abusers. I'm not saying that you specifically are an abuser, but I am saying that it can and does happen. It's not talked about as much or heard of as much, but it does happen.

I think the important thing is that you would not engage in these types of behaviors now. It seems as if you do have remorse for what you have done and that likely will prevent you from engaging in these types of behaviors as an older individual. Young children also don't have the impulse control that older teens and adults normally possess, so it's less likely that you would perpetrate anything because you can control and redirect your impulses.

Do you think your gender identity at all has a part in your life? I can't decide your gender identity for you of course, but maybe at one point you were questioning your gender identity and expressed/took it out in ways that weren't necessarily healthy.

I don't know if this helps at all but I just wanted to let you know that you are not a bad person. I know you can get through this!

Dez