Male Advice Preferred: worried. feeling used not sure if I should though. help me please

[Beetlejuice]

guys I need to ask you all a question. when your in the mood how absorbed are you in everything? is it like ALL you can think about?

it's just (and I've noticed this a couple of times) that while me and my bf are making out he'll guide my hand towards his penis and things like that. and I make it clear if I don't want to and I'll completly move my hand elsewhere. but then he does it again. and he's told me multiple times that it's my choice but never seems to quite let me decide.

we were just randomly stood in the kitchen and I'd kiss him buy only a pek on the lips. bit then and in a jokey way he'll like touch my boobs or ass or thighs and I'll say no and he doesn't stop first time. I have to ask him quote a few rimes for him to take me seriously. please help me out. just let me know if this is just him or whether all guys go VERY one track
minded on this sort of thing? is there something I'm
missing? something I should do? please just. I would live answers but don't know what questions to ask

[FlyingTrue]

Seems to me that this guy cares more about having sex, than you. That is the impression I am getting. Certainly I would never do anything crazy like that.

[Beetlejuice]

when we aren't doing sexual things he's absoloutly perfect. it's just when we do start it seems to be all he can think about.
I'm going to have to talk this through with him aren't I ...

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Okay, I'm not a guy, but your boyfriend is definitely not respecting you. My boyfriend does the same sort of things, like he'll try to take things further, but when I say no, that's the end of it. Guys who tell you that they can't control themselves are lying.

So yes, you probably need to talk to him about it. Tell him that you feel disrespected and that from now on, when you say stop, he has to stop right away. If he continues to do what he is doing now, remove yourself from the situation. So if he starts to touch your boobs and you say no and he doesn't stop, push him away and go stand away from him. And personally, if he kept acting like this, I would break up with him.

[flowerchild32273]

well i think you should just talk to him and tell him how you feel.. i know with my bf he does some of those little joking touches when we're not really doing anything and ill say stop but sort of giggle and not really mean it because him touching me doesnt bother me. he knows that and thats the only reason he does it. if i told him i didnt like it he wouldnt do it. also he shouldnt be forcing you to touch him if thats not what you want. you should try to be more clear about it. tell him that you dont want that. if hes a good guy he'll understand. if youre worried about him being so absorbed in the moment that he doesnt catch your signals then be more clear. next time if he doesnt stop when you move your hand away then just stop what youre doing and move away. let him know that you arent comfortable. hope it works out for you ^_^

[bitesize]

yeah, Ive been with guys like that...it just gets irritating, to be honest, Ive found. i think you should try and seriously talk to him and elt him know that the more he tries to get you to do stuff before you're ready, the less success he'll have.

[ThrashAttack]

And personally, if he kept acting like this, I would break up with him.

Thats a bit harsh id say

[Crimsonkin]

Originally Posted by ThrashAttack

Thats a bit harsh id say

I rly dont think that it is! If he isnt going to respect you then he doesnt deserve you. You should lay it all out on the table and tell him straight up he needs to change and if not then maybe it is time to part ways. I mean yeah when i get in a mood i get kinda handsy but if my girl tells me to stop i do. Its just that simple.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Originally Posted by ThrashAttack

Thats a bit harsh id say

Harsh maybe, but I'd say necessary. What happens when they get to the stage of having intercourse? She says no, and he keeps trying? Nobody should ever have to feel pressured into doing something sexually that they don't want to do, and nobody should ever have to put up with a partner who doesn't respect their decisions.

[x-gothic-princess-x]

I know im not male but i would like to let you know my views on this.

I have the same problem with my boyfriend, but not as bad as you. After telling him a couple of times he gets the messages and stoped. and its not everytime we kiss or touch that this happens. I think alot to do with it is how turned on they are at that time, but saying that its not excuss. I believe that your boyfriend is thinking more about his sexual organs then his girlfriends feelings. Have you spoken to him about this without getting to sexual? Maybe that would work... If not then I dont know what will work. A sex ban till he learns his lesson lol ?

[Readein]

Men are hardwired to want sex that is just the way it is. When we get aroused it's hard to keep it under wraps. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I'm a virgin but when I am kissing a girl I use every ounce of self control I have to not feel her up. It's really hard to explain unless you felt it yourself. I personally hate my hormones because girls often think I'm after one thing. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. If it bothers you this much then I suggest talking to him about it. He should understand and stop if not then he is just an asshole. It's not that we always think about sex. We just can get worked up very easy.

[VitruvianDoc]

Okay, all the women here need to tone it down!

Unless you're in a guys shoes, you have no idea.

Anyways, My fiance and I have been together 5 years and will be married in a matter of days, any who males and females show love in different manners. Men will compliment you and your body, and the fact that he tries to feel you up may just be his way of showing you love. I know it sounds weird, but its just how we are. Women see love, though, as the act of making one feel special. As such, the unexpected gifts (no matter how small), telling her shes beautiful, basically anything but touch is what a girl expects.

Now what a girl needs to understand bottom line: once a man has sex or masturbates, only those with the strongest of strong wills will be able to completely stop sexual activity once in commited relationship (its exactly like eating, each time you get off, the urge slowly builds until its unbearable). I found groping helped me relieve a lot of my sexual stress when I felt pent up (since we were abstaining from sex at the time), as even masturbating to porn didn't even satisfy the urge. Now there was a point I admit I did it to excess, basically everytime I saw her, but after some inner manipulation and a lot of talking with her, things worked out. And if anything, it made us stronger as a couple as she now understood my actions as love and relief and not just using her for sex.

Now theres always exceptions, but I leave that to you to figure out. Ask him why he does what he does and see how genuine his response is.

[Algernon]

I've been with guys like that. His eyes are closed and he looks like he's having a stroke right? He keeps doing it and It's almost like you're not there and only your body is? Yeah.

Stop doing it and look and him. Tell him, "Stop putting my hand there you're not getting any."

=)

[I-Love-him]

i've also been with a guy like that, it was a nightmare and it ended up in me feeling very vulnerable and embaressed infront of him. i'm gonna answer on behalf of my boyfriend, he doesn't do that at all! and he has actualy said in the past that when guys say "it's your choice on if you want sex" but then carry on touching you and trying to turn you on then they don't truly give a toss if you want sex or not, they want it and aren't seriously that fussed if you don't want it. I agree with him to be honest.

If your boyfriend really respected you then he would stop when you say you didn't want it.

[I-Love-him]

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

Harsh maybe, but I'd say necessary. What happens when they get to the stage of having intercourse? She says no, and he keeps trying? Nobody should ever have to feel pressured into doing something sexually that they don't want to do, and nobody should ever have to put up with a partner who doesn't respect their decisions.

just noticed this post, sorry but i've got to say this is completly true. When i was with my ex, we started having sex and eventually he'd be like "you don't have to have sex if you don't want" so i'd be like "ok no i don't want it".it ended up turning into him saying "oh you musn't love me then" blah blah blah and near the end of our relationship, he'd ignore me when i said no, get straight on top of me and try so hard to get in my pants . (it wasn't rape, he was forcing me to be turned on in a way). yes men may know more about how men feel but to be honest men think in different ways to eachother (as well as us girls), it's down to you to do what you want to do, men like that need to be watched carefully, i mean i could be completly wrong, maybe he just doesn't understand when you say no or mabye he thinks your joking. on the more serious side,if you ever feel vulneralbe,thretened etc etc then i'd seriously question your relationship together.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Originally Posted by VitruvianDoc

Okay, all the women here need to tone it down!

Unless you're in a guys shoes, you have no idea.

Anyways, My fiance and I have been together 5 years and will be married in a matter of days, any who males and females show love in different manners. Men will compliment you and your body, and the fact that he tries to feel you up may just be his way of showing you love. I know it sounds weird, but its just how we are. Women see love, though, as the act of making one feel special. As such, the unexpected gifts (no matter how small), telling her shes beautiful, basically anything but touch is what a girl expects.

Now what a girl needs to understand bottom line: once a man has sex or masturbates, only those with the strongest of strong wills will be able to completely stop sexual activity once in commited relationship (its exactly like eating, each time you get off, the urge slowly builds until its unbearable). I found groping helped me relieve a lot of my sexual stress when I felt pent up (since we were abstaining from sex at the time), as even masturbating to porn didn't even satisfy the urge. Now there was a point I admit I did it to excess, basically everytime I saw her, but after some inner manipulation and a lot of talking with her, things worked out. And if anything, it made us stronger as a couple as she now understood my actions as love and relief and not just using her for sex.

Now theres always exceptions, but I leave that to you to figure out. Ask him why he does what he does and see how genuine his response is.

You seem to think that the fact that he is groping her is the main issue? It isn't, it's the fact that he doesn't stop when she says no. Obviously I'm not a guy, and so don't have a first-hand experience, but many of us have already said that our boyfriends don't do that, so it's not something that all guys do. If he honestly feels like he can't keep his hands to himself when she asks, then he should be removing himself from the situation. Continuing when she has said no is sexual abuse, it doesn't matter what his reasons are.

I do think that she needs to talk to him first, but if he continues to do this, then she needs to leave for her own safety. And I'm not going to "tone it down" and risk that she will get hurt because she thought that "it's just how guys are" and that she couldn't do anything.

[Beetlejuice]

I've been with guys like that. His eyes are closed and he looks like he's having a stroke right? He keeps doing it and It's almost like you're not there and only your body is? Yeah.

Stop doing it and look and him. Tell him, "Stop putting my hand there you're not getting any."

=)

yeah it's just like that!

well be making out and I'll be on top and he'll guide my hand and I will completly move it away and stop kissing him.

I don't like being groped no. and he does stop after a couple if 'no's but I'd rather it happened second or first.

Men are hardwired to want sex that is just the way it is. When we get aroused it's hard to keep it under wraps. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I'm a virgin but when I am kissing a girl I use every ounce of self control I have to not feel her up. It's really hard to explain unless you felt it yourself. I personally hate my hormones because girls often think I'm after one thing. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. If it bothers you this much then I suggest talking to him about it. He should understand and stop if not then he is just an asshole. It's not that we always think about sex. We just can get worked up very easy.

and this sounds incredably like him


thanks everyone I've talked to him and it's helped alot

btw someone mentions when it gets to intercourse? we've already made love and it has always been me saying we can. like if things get really hot I'll give the go ahead by asking for a condom or something. so I'm safe with sex because he never would like that. it's just kissing and groping and using hands and things
but I've spoken to him and we have come to a compromise. I've realised that I do say no an awful lot more then everyone. and even when I don't really wanna stop. but decided we should? I don't understand why I do it. buy I'm only gonna say no when I mean it and he's gonna stop first time.

[VitruvianDoc]

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

You seem to think that the fact that he is groping her is the main issue? It isn't, it's the fact that he doesn't stop when she says no. Obviously I'm not a guy, and so don't have a first-hand experience, but many of us have already said that our boyfriends don't do that, so it's not something that all guys do. If he honestly feels like he can't keep his hands to himself when she asks, then he should be removing himself from the situation. Continuing when she has said no is sexual abuse, it doesn't matter what his reasons are.

I do think that she needs to talk to him first, but if he continues to do this, then she needs to leave for her own safety. And I'm not going to "tone it down" and risk that she will get hurt because she thought that "it's just how guys are" and that she couldn't do anything.

Notice the caveat at the bottom of that post.

Yes there is a firm line between sexual abuse and agressive sexual tendencies. But from my experience of just talking with my female peers, they see sex (majority of the time) as a mere game per say, as they don't see it as an essential part of the relationship. Therefore sex turns into a tool or a prize so that when the man acts a certain way or does something specific, kind of like training a dog, he gets sex, like giving a dog a treat. This is wrong and among the leading causes for failing marriages. I have been through relationship and counseling training and can recognize this in many relationships. Women know men desire sex, therefore to get what they want, they hold it against men. And eventually it becomes the mans fault for reaching out, getting his hand slapped, then seeking other sources for the pleasure either porn or cheating.

But as I said before, something like this has to be determined on a situational basis by the people themselves in the relationships. That requires open channels of unbiased and tone free talking which is also lacking in many relationships.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Originally Posted by VitruvianDoc

Notice the caveat at the bottom of that post.

Yes there is a firm line between sexual abuse and agressive sexual tendencies. But from my experience of just talking with my female peers, they see sex (majority of the time) as a mere game per say, as they don't see it as an essential part of the relationship. Therefore sex turns into a tool or a prize so that when the man acts a certain way or does something specific, kind of like training a dog, he gets sex, like giving a dog a treat. This is wrong and among the leading causes for failing marriages. I have been through relationship and counseling training and can recognize this in many relationships. Women know men desire sex, therefore to get what they want, they hold it against men. And eventually it becomes the mans fault for reaching out, getting his hand slapped, then seeking other sources for the pleasure either porn or cheating.

But as I said before, something like this has to be determined on a situational basis by the people themselves in the relationships. That requires open channels of unbiased and tone free talking which is also lacking in many relationships.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand how what you are saying relates to this situation at all. Would you be willing to explain the connections specifically?

I certainly don't see sex as a game and would never use it in that way. And it doesn't seem to me like the original poster was withholding sex as punishment or anything like that. She was uncomfortable with the advances that he was making and he wasn't respecting that. How does that relate to what you are saying about using sex as a tool?

Originally Posted by Yahoo123

I've realised that I do say no an awful lot more then everyone. and even when I don't really wanna stop. but decided we should? I don't understand why I do it. buy I'm only gonna say no when I mean it and he's gonna stop first time.

What makes you think that you say no more than everyone else? And even if you did, that shouldn't matter because this is about your feelings and thoughts, not everybody else's. But that sounds like a good compromise as long as you both stick to it .

[Beetlejuice]

yeah we are both gonna do our utmost to stick to it as we both want this relationship to work.
and I would never use it as a prize. me and my bf both see sex as important for strengthening our link and usually don't have sex for the physical aspects. we make love. if that makes sense? I love being able to connect with my bf on that level and I adore knowing that I can make him feel that good. it makes me feel amazing and all the more into the sex. he would probably do better without the actual intercourse then I would

[xander]

have you ever thought that maybe he's just playin with you? my girlfriend and i tease each other like that all the time, it never gets serious unless we both want it to, but she will just sit the look at me and grab my cock and shout PENIS! or like she'll just randomly put her hand in my pants when we're up town, in return i do things such as just grab her boobs or ass or summin like that in a random way, is it more like that? or is it he really wants to have sex with you? you should ask him. hope this helps x

[Beetlejuice]

it's knd of like that. but not quite because I don't do it back? I dunno xD I've sorted it with him now

[VitruvianDoc]

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

I'm sorry, but I don't understand how what you are saying relates to this situation at all. Would you be willing to explain the connections specifically?

I certainly don't see sex as a game and would never use it in that way. And it doesn't seem to me like the original poster was withholding sex as punishment or anything like that. She was uncomfortable with the advances that he was making and he wasn't respecting that. How does that relate to what you are saying about using sex as a tool?



What makes you think that you say no more than everyone else? And even if you did, that shouldn't matter because this is about your feelings and thoughts, not everybody else's. But that sounds like a good compromise as long as you both stick to it .

this pertains to the OP questions/comments because most of the previous posts were saying that she should cut him off all together. What she needs to do, in my opinion, is to approach is unbiased and talk about his aggressiveness and how it makes her feel, not just shut him down.

[Gidig]

Even if he is just playing with you, if you're not comfortable there is a huge problem.

When he's doing it, look straight into his eyes and say, "I'm not joking, I want you to stop" with a serious face. If he doesn't get it, then you sort of have a problem. Body language is a lot of it, so make sure you're not trying to play it out like it's okay, because it's not.

Sit him down and tell him exactly how this makes you feel. If he doesn't get it, he's not worth your time. Hopefully he really is doing it in a joking manner and doesn't understand how much it's affecting you.

Maria.