Non-PG13: Sex is hard!

[flippinmayonnaise]

My boyfriend and I have had sex probably about 5 times, once a month or so since we first became sexually active in our relationship. And jeez is it painful!! We use lube (which makes it better), but my vagina is very tight and his penis is quite above average, so it is hard getting "sex" to work.

He enjoys it so much, but I am in so much pain that I can only keep him in for a couple of minutes at my max. I have tried masturbating but I really can't turn myself on and touching myself brings me no pleasure, and we have a very active "non-intercourse" sex life. We're both so attracted to one another and want it to work so badly, but when my boyfriend looks down at my face during sex and sees that I'm crying from pain, obviously it's a huge turn off for him. He's stuck in this odd want-it-but-don't-because-i-don't-want-to-cause-her-pain situation and we keep trying but it's really not getting any easier.

I am in love with my boyfriend and I can't fathom the thought that sex will never work. I feel like there has to always be a solution. Any thoughts?

[taylalatbh.]

If you know that when you're going to have sex with your boyfriend, you'll be uncomfortable and in pain, then you're not going to be relaxed. It's important that you're relaxed and turned on before you have sex so that it runs more smoothly. If you're all tensed up then you'll be a lot smaller down there, and it'll hurt a lot. If you're relaxed, the muscles loosen and it becomes more lubricated so sex is a lot easier and less uncomfortable.

You need to have plenty of foreplay, until you are relaxed and comfortable. Try not to think about what has happened before, and clear your mind and enjoy yourself. In time it will become easier and more comfortable and sex with become an enjoyment for both of you. You just need to know how to relax and be intimately aroused before you have sex so that it 'works'.

Message me if you wanna talk some more. Take care

[rhapsody]

I don't know if this will make you feel better but when I first started having sex it hurt the first 10-20 times and, from what I've heard other women have had this too.

i agree with what Tayla Jay said - if you expect it to be painful then you will tighten up and it WILL be painful. Take things slow and spend plenty of time on the non-intercourse part of sex, so you will still be getting some pleasure. If things don't sort themselves out in a couple of months though, you should see your gp.

[Boobies]

This is a problem me and my girlfriend used to have x.x
You just have to relax and make sure you have plenty of foreplay (at least thirty minutes) and just take it easy, with plenty of lube.
If you lost your virginity to this guy then it's bound to hurt for a while because you're still getting used to it, but I think (and only think) that if you go a while without having it you will *ahem* 'shrink'(?) so perhaps try to have it slightly more regularly than once a month so that everything doesn't come 'undone' x.x But I don't know if this is true though, I just know that when me and my girlfriend go without for a while it hurts her x.x

[Maloo]

Originally Posted by 3.14159265358979323846264

but I think (and only think) that if you go a while without having it you will *ahem* 'shrink'(?) so perhaps try to have it slightly more regularly than once a month so that everything doesn't come 'undone' x.x But I don't know if this is true though, I just know that when me and my girlfriend go without for a while it hurts her x.x

I don't think that's true..

But what everyone else said, relax, or it's going to suck every time.

[bitesize]

Keady actually was right ~ you don't necessarily 'shrink' but you will find it easier the mroe regularly you have sex, honestly. I often find that if I haven't had sex in a while it hurts more and I'm tighter. Even a couple of weeks. So I can imagine if it's once a month it'll hurt.
I know you said you don't really like touching yourself, which is fine, but even if you're not doing it for pleasure, it can help to sort of...stretch yourself out a little with your fingers down there. Using lub in your fingers might help. I did that a couple of times when I started having sex and it did seem to help a lot. I used to be veryyy tight.
Take it slow, and remember if you're expecting pain, you'll tense up and it will hurt more. Try to relax and breathe. If you go on top you might be able to have more control over how deep he can go inside you.
Honestly though, obviously I can't tell you how often to have sex, but the mroe you have it the easier it will get (: This is actualy a problem a lot of people get when they start out, myself included, so don't worry. It'll start to feel good (:

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Okay, this is what I posted in another thread about something similar to this:

However, there is this common misconception that penetration (with objects, fingers, whatever) "stretches" the vagina and makes it "looser". That is not true at all. The vagina is a muscle. It expands and contracts, just like any other muscle. When you insert something (like a tampon) into your vagina, it expands to be big enough to hold the object (assuming you are relaxed enough for it to do so). After you take the object out, the walls of your vagina close together again.

Basically, this idea of some girls are "tight"/"loose" is just not true. If you are not relaxed and aroused enough, then you aren't going to expand enough and that will cause problems. But it has nothing to do with your physical attributes or anything like that.

And you don't "shrink" after not having sex for a while either. I think that it's easier to have sex if you have it more regularly just because you are used to it and will relax more easily (so it's more a psychological thing). Like if you drive every day, you're going to be more relaxed driving than someone who hasn't driven in three weeks.

My boyfriend and I had this same problem. It took a long time for sex to stop being painful at all. So you really aren't alone in this.

The solution is basically to just keep trying. Go slowly when you have intercourse and make sure that you are really relaxed. I find it helps if my boyfriend gives me a massage beforehand. Then just keep telling yourself calming things. Don't tell yourself that it is going to hurt because that will definitely make you tense up. Maybe get your boyfriend to talk to you as well, and distract you from the pain. Even though it's painful at first, it usually goes away as you keep having intercourse (though that's only if it is pleasurable as well).

Also, if you feel like there are any psychological issues that are affecting you (like maybe you come from a really religious family and feel guilty about sex), it might help to talk to someone about it and sort through that. Psychological issues cause us far more problems than physical ones.

[Jaguar]

I think it's ok for you to stop when it starts getting painful. Sex is for the both of you and you shouldn't continue if you're hurting. Stop and get him off another way.

I do think it'll get better, and once a month is a long time between times. If my gf goes a long time without it she still has a little pain for a while. I think if you do it often for a few days it will make it better.